"h lays part of the responsibility for his having an a on me."
LL,
Hate to tell you this girl, but that's true. Hell You know this: "Whenever a person has an A, there is something missing in their M" Rather than try to fix it, they look outside! Now, it's up to YOU to fix it! I've identified my shortcomings in our M, and have promised myself to fix them IF W ever comes home, which I doubt at this point. Your H IS home, don't chase him away AGAIN!!!!!!!
"no tony what would hurt me is to find out that he's been lying all along about what that r was..."
OK how's this: "LL, I'm sorry I lied to you, we had wild and crazy sex 15 times a week, and I still love her and see her"
Now does that make you feel better? Hell no, it would kill you. Of course he lied to you. To protect you LL, because he cares. How do you think he feels living with that guilt?
"gee if I were to decide that I want more sex and more fun socializing and h just wasn't providing it would it be his fault if I went elswhere for it?? I don't think so...so then how is it fair of him to place partial blame on me for his affair? "
Nothing is fair LL, you know that. How many times have you heard it: "love is a decision" And yes, I think it would be his fault!!!!His fault for wanting you to do it, and your fault for doing it. That's why YOU have to make things work!
"before falling asleep I did let h know that I was sorry for letting things get the way they did last night...h said it was ok and tommorow would be a new day"
Good for you, and good for H. That was definitely a positive. H sounds like a DB'er
"I have to be responsible for myself...the feelings that I have are my own."
Think about that!
THE WALL! Why do women do that? Why do women build walls? If they think it will protect them from hurt, why are you hurting? Tear the wall down LL! My W has the same problem. She built a wall, never let me in, now she's gone! I just hope she keeps up the wall w/OG!
Quote: OK how's this: "LL, I'm sorry I lied to you, we had wild and crazy sex 15 times a week, and I still love her and see her"
Now does that make you feel better? Hell no, it would kill you. Of course he lied to you. To protect you LL, because he cares. How do you think he feels living with that guilt?
asside from where you say he's still seeing her...I could live with it...as long as I got some wild and crazy sex say 5x a week.
Quote: THE WALL! Why do women do that? Why do women build walls? If they think it will protect them from hurt, why are you hurting?
h built up the wall...h never let me in...h chose to shut down on me...walk away..I didn't build the walll h did...I've just put one up to protect myself from HIM!
NO YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITH IT LL, IT WOULD ONLY DRIVE YOU NUTSER!
I know a gentleman who wasn't having much sex with his W, thought he found someone else, and wanted a D. Guess what? I KNOW he wasn't having sex with OW, she just understood him, and wasn't that horny herself!!!!!!
Quote: NO YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITH IT LL, IT WOULD ONLY DRIVE YOU NUTSER!
I know a gentleman who wasn't having much sex with his W, thought he found someone else, and wanted a D. Guess what? I KNOW he wasn't having sex with OW, she just understood him, and wasn't that horny herself!!!!!!
Sex is not the main reason for an A!!!!!
do you not understand that part of the problem is that I "think" he may have done something with her and he will admit to nothing...not even a kiss...a passionate embrace...
obviously my h is not a sex fiend...his drive is low...he's not a "typical" guy (I guess I'm more the typical guy than he is) so it is plausable that nothing actually ever did happen between them.
if h were to come out and tell me he had crazy passionate sex with her on a regular basis it would kinda shock me but what the hell...give me some of that too and we'll move on.
I will not take responsibility for his choice to seek comfort outside our marriage...I would not blame him if I did the same...I would have no right to do so...it would be MY choice and my choice alone...sure he could give me more of what I want and need...but it would be MY OWN ISSUES AND INSECURITIES that would lead me to have an a not his doing or not doing.
I will accept my role in the breakdown of the r (and do my best not to point blame at h for my reactions) but I will not accept responsibility for HIS actions..no way no how!!
Quote: Sex is not the main reason for an A!!!!!
I'm very aware of that tony...I may be young but I'm not naive...I've lived a little.
but sex usually does come into play at one point or anther in an A.
but then again there is the line that ow fed me (more of her passive aggressive cruelty) "it wasn't physical LL, I know you'll never believe us..it just wasn't like that...anyone can have a physical r" gggrrrr.
I don't think men really understand how women feel about the whole sex thing...sure I wouldn't be happy to know my h was screwing around but if it were just physical that'd be a whole lot easier to swallow then knowing that they had an emotional connection that there were feelings of love involved. I'd rather he went out...got drunk and went off with some little tramp than to have had this long drawn out emotional connection with another woman..one that made him grumpy and groutchy toward me..one that made him feel so guilty that he couldn't be around me.
I suppose none of this really matters anyway...what h has learned (I hope) is that despite the fact that things don't always go perfectly he does love me and I him...and we can enjoy eachother and will get better and better at doing things the right way as time goes on.
so....
back to the positives...
1. it's a beautiful sunny day
2. talked to h some today already (ok stinky that I called but whatever) and he was friendly
3. emt class tonight
4. the airconditioners will be put in soon (thank god)
son again asked daddy if he was comming to his house today...made me cry...I think it upset h too (I mentioned it to him yesterday and that it saddens me that son still asks...it's a reminder of a time when he wouldn't come everyday) h responded to son.."yes son, I come home everyday and it's OUR house" that made me cry even more...luckily it was a nextel convo so h couldn't hear me and I was able to get off the phone quick enough without mention of it but he knows anyway.
oh well...I suppose the summer will be a little tough after all this time last year h wasn't home and was in full d mode...but we're making a new year and new memories...I'm really looking forward to h being home on the 4th...last year I lit off firworks (yes they are legal here) in the back yard and got son up out of bed to watch..it was cool..but I felt bad for h because he missed it...this year he will be a part of it though and that is what I will remember!!
Quote: How do you deal with the day to day when nothing seems to be happening?
you make things happen for yourself...get out and do things for you and enjoy life...take a class...join a club or start a club ( I started a book discussion group) get things going on in your life to keep you busy but make sure they are things that you enjoy.
Quote: I am trying to show that I can get on with my life. Does that show him that I am okay with how things are and prevent him from moving forward? And if I bring up MC now, will that show him that I am still waiting for him? It seems there is no good answer.
it shows him that you are an independant individual and that you wont crumble just becuase he doesn't know what he wants...
I wouldn't mention mc to him at this point..it's pressure..
Quote: He is calling every night and asking what are we doing. I am getting further into the hole of depression. I find it hard to get up and get moving. I think about the sitch all the time. I don't know how long I can go on.
the fact that he is calling is a good thing...but the fact that you are finding it hard to get up and go about your life is not...I assume the we is you and the kids? if so...the plan to do things with them...enlist a friend or another mother in your area to do things with..plan activities and field trips and get out and go live life.
Quote: I pray all the time and the only message I receive is to wait and be patient.
that damn patience stuff...I swear they should sell it in pill form someone would make billions...yes lot's and lot's of patience...I must ask..when you do pray what is it you are praying for? when I would pray...I didn't pray for me other than to ask for strength...I most often prayed (or asked god) for h to find whatever peace he was searching for.
For the last 30 years, I have spent the 4th of July with my W and kids at our family reunion in Daytona Beach watching the fireworks. This year I will be all alone while W is in Daytona Beach w/OG
tony...for 14 years I spent every fourth of july with h somewhere...last year was sons first look at fireworks and here in our own back yard to boot...h missed it...just saying it's sad is all...he missed a lot of firsts...I didn't share with him dd's first steps as they were taken while I was "dark", I didn't share sons first fireworks with him because he choose to go to a party with his brother instead and then apparently went home to sleep alone by 10pm...sad sad sad for him. I enjoyed last fourth of july..it was a very good day for me...I was simply reflecting on what h missed by being a doofis!!
and why wont YOU be going to the reunion with your two kids??????????????????????????????????????????????????
I am going to the reunion and the PEPSI 400 at Daytona(S19 works for Coke) with my kids, but I will still be alone! D,S both bringing BF/GF and bald, ugly, lonely, old Dad! Will WAW show up???????She lives there now w/OG. This is going to be real rough!
LL I knew what you were you were trying to say, but don't look back, look forward, you are in a much better place than me and a million others on this BB!
Quote: I am going to the reunion and the PEPSI 400 at Daytona(S19 works for Coke) with my kids, but I will still be alone! D,S both bringing BF/GF and bald, ugly, lonely, old Dad! Will WAW show up???????She lives there now w/OG. This is going to be real rough!
it doesn't have to be..you can enjoy yourself and your family and just relax. I actually went to some of h's extended families functions without him during our seperation (mil insisted as did uncle) I did ok and that wasn't even "my" family.
Quote: but don't look back, look forward, you are in a much better place than me and a million others on this BB!
now you're starting to sound like my h...I know I know look ahead...don't dwell in the past...
as rafiki says....what does it matter it's in the past.
from the lion king when he (rafikki the baboon) hit's simba on the head, simba asks, why'd you do that?
guess I really need to get back to letting go of the past...I have taken to litterally those who don't understand history are condemed to repeat it...
I suppose I am still looking for some elaborate explenation for all this...truth be told..I don't need one to move on...the what's and why's and all that really don't matter what matters is the here and now..the what is the what will be.
son again asked daddy if he was comming to his house today...made me cry...I think it upset h too (I mentioned it to him yesterday and that it saddens me that son still asks...it's a reminder of a time when he wouldn't come everyday) h responded to son.."yes son, I come home everyday and it's OUR house" that made me cry even more...luckily it was a nextel convo so h couldn't hear me and I was able to get off the phone quick enough without mention of it but he knows anyway.
tony...for 14 years I spent every fourth of july with h somewhere...last year was sons first look at fireworks and here in our own back yard to boot...h missed it...just saying it's sad is all...he missed a lot of firsts...I didn't share with him dd's first steps as they were taken while I was "dark", I didn't share sons first fireworks with him because he choose to go to a party with his brother instead and then apparently went home to sleep alone by 10pm...sad sad sad for him. I enjoyed last fourth of july..it was a very good day for me...I was simply reflecting on what h missed by being a doofis!!
