Really upside down #2

[upside_downer]

OK....someone stand up and tell me they wouldn't have a hard time knowing what to do when you've seen this many men hitting on your W and you are in my sitch????

[Tink]

Are you talking about now or during your courtship and your marriage? During courtship and marriage, if you trust her your trust her.

[upside_downer]

I'm talking now. I feel there is nothing I can say or do because it will only get me in trouble, so I feel the only option is to "let it go"

Which happens to be a mantra I'm going to try to adopt.

[upside_downer]

That being said, I'm not sure this is an issue that you can reach resolution on when you are already separated.

Just re-read that. I'm screwed. She did say to cousin she doesn't want to date, but I feel without me making changes, this only ends bad.

I hope it's not too late. She gives me rays of hope when she responds like she did to my email this morning. Only thing is....it made me very angry. "I'm not going to do that until..."

That's a copout. That's her stating the only way is her way.

Looks like that's what I have to deal with, though. Her way or the highway. My way certainly isn't working.

[upside_downer]

So I'm still struggling (obviously). Wondering if it's a good idea to ask her to lunch, or if I should leave her alone. After today's posts, I'm not sure if I should be making her initiate?

[goldeylox]

You have nothing to lose asking her to lunch. Just lunch, no R talk. She can decide yes or no. If she says yes, you will have a wonderful opportunity to SHOW her your new behaviors.
I'm wondering about something you said earlier, about 'knowing' she's getting hit on. Is it possible you are making assumptions on that?
Let's suppose you aren't, and she's being hit on left and right. Have you asked, "How does that [the attention] make you feel?" Shut up and listen to the answer, it might surprise you. Do not do this on the day you take her to lunch. Peace.

[upside_downer]

You have nothing to lose asking her to lunch. Just lunch, no R talk. She can decide yes or no. If she says yes, you will have a wonderful opportunity to SHOW her your new behaviors.
I'm wondering about something you said earlier, about 'knowing' she's getting hit on. Is it possible you are making assumptions on that?
Let's suppose you aren't, and she's being hit on left and right. Have you asked, "How does that [the attention] make you feel?" Shut up and listen to the answer, it might surprise you. Do not do this on the day you take her to lunch. Peace.

Goldey, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I know for sure. I've seen it with my own two eyes. I know a guy that has been in the circle of friends I used to be in. He was engaged and just left. JUST moved out like last week. He asked for her number. He's always looked at her kinda funny.

I could ask, but the thing is, I don't trust her answers because I already know she is conveniently leaving things out. Example: She went to a bar because ex bf invited her. I asked what she did that day and she said she went to the bar with her cousin and some people I didn't know to see a guitarist.

So at this point, it's better to live by "let go" or "ignorance is bliss"

Don'tcha think?

[upside_downer]

Well, I asked her to lunch. We'll see how that goes.

We have a wedding coming up for a friend that was part of a group that we used to hang out with together. Now that we are separate, I'm not included anymore.

We were both on the invite. She feels it will be awkward, but I thought it a good opportunity to show that we can still have a good time. Well, she said she doesn't feel it's a good idea because it will be uncomfortable, so I did something different. I literally had "thanks for the support" written out on my phone, but then erased it - thinking "what is that going to gain us? Nothing"

So, I changed it to "that's very disappointing, but I understand how you feel."

She replied "Sorry, I'm just being honest"

I replied "I can see that....I am disappointed, but can respect your wish for me not to attend."

She said "thank you for understanding"

I think I did the right thing.

[Bworl]

And as much as it absolutely sucked....you did.

Right now you're thinking, this absolutely bites.

And in your mind you're saying, the only way through this according to everybody is to just let her go.

But if I let her go, guys will be over her like white on rice.

And then it will be over.


Question UD. Who's the better man? Aren't you better for her than any of those other guys? Aren't you the man who TRULY loves her, who loves her UNCONDITIONALLY? Aren't you the guy who, even though he would be absolutely fine on his own, WANTS to share your life with this woman?


The question is not "what do those guys have that I don't have?"

The question is "What do YOU have that those guys don't?"


You've got to start digging deep into UD and start manning up. You've allowed the hurt and fear to castrate you into a whiny, needy, fearful man who can do nothing but worry about losing her.


How about making yourself in to such a man that she starts worrying about losing YOU?


Because, you see, THAT'S the DB'ing approach.


Chin up. Stop moping. Recognize the RIGHT thing that you did tonight was step one to becoming the man who can live with or without her. The first step to becoming the man that she can only hope is still around when she's done "processing" whatever it is that she's processing.


Blessings,

Bill

[Continuing]

And as much as it absolutely sucked....you did.

Right now you're thinking, this absolutely bites.

And in your mind you're saying, the only way through this according to everybody is to just let her go.

But if I let her go, guys will be over her like white on rice.

And then it will be over.


Question UD. Who's the better man? Aren't you better for her than any of those other guys? Aren't you the man who TRULY loves her, who loves her UNCONDITIONALLY? Aren't you the guy who, even though he would be absolutely fine on his own, WANTS to share your life with this woman?


The question is not "what do those guys have that I don't have?"

The question is "What do YOU have that those guys don't?"


You've got to start digging deep into UD and start manning up. You've allowed the hurt and fear to castrate you into a whiny, needy, fearful man who can do nothing but worry about losing her.


How about making yourself in to such a man that she starts worrying about losing YOU?


Because, you see, THAT'S the DB'ing approach.


Chin up. Stop moping. Recognize the RIGHT thing that you did tonight was step one to becoming the man who can live with or without her. The first step to becoming the man that she can only hope is still around when she's done "processing" whatever it is that she's processing.


Blessings,

Bill

I know that was for you UD but I think we all need to be reminded of this from time to time.

Thanks Bill!