If you confront him, he will most likely deny. Exposing the affair does not necessarily mean confronting the spouse. It means exposing the affair.
Telling others about it in a way that is going to affect your husband the most swiftly and decisively.
I told OW's husband, FW's boss, and FW's parents (plus others, but those were the main ones).
I am a firm believer that affairs needs to be plunged into reality and quickly as possible. Not very DB, but I'm not a strict by the book DBer either. Never was. I liked many of the things in DB (mainly the GAL and focus on yourself more), but used other sources as well. I don't think one book or philosophy has everything for every person in it.
That being said, do you know who OW is? Is she married? If so, her H has a right to know what is going on. You don't have to get involved in his life just let him know of the situation as gently as possible so that he can take whatever action or inaction he wants to take.
I have since heard that FW's OW's H didn't really appreciate me telling him, but I knew I was going to blow the thing wide open that day and I didn't want him to find out in some horrible round about fashion. Just MHO. Many will disagree.
I agree with IMP too. Focus more on yourself and figure out what you need. This is a tough time and you need to take care of yourself and stay strong for your kids, etc.
Mainly, pray and ask God to lead you in the direction you should go. You will get many differing opinions on here. Many opinions that won't work for you and some that will. Pray and ask God to help you sort out all the noise and to do his will. If you are truly trying to follow Him you can't go wrong.
BFM
Last edited by butterflymom; 07/22/0812:38 PM.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
FW was RAGING mad when I did it, and was for quite some time. He lost his job because OW was a subordinate and has been basically shunned by all his former friends. It's been hard, but honestly I would do it again if the same situation arose today. There are a couple of people that I called that I probably wouldn't call this time, but other than that I would do it again.
Like I said earlier though, it may not be right for TCBTE. Pray about it and ask God for guidance. Don't make any moves until you feel sure that what you are doing is in his will. '
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Thanks BFM - OW was married when the affair started, but her H cheated on her and I've learned that she recently divorced and bought a house in the town in which she lives (80 miles from here). I've been told that it is more likely that she divorced as a result of her screwed up H and not so she could be with mine...........but how do you know? She has two kids, the same age as our two youngest and I don't see him wanting to raise someone else's kids.................
I have told H's best friend's wife. She has shared it with him. H promised to "work on himself" after he moved out and Saturday said that talking to best friend would be a start. Of course he doesn't know that I know----and that I know what he needs to talk about. I also know that he has confided in another very good friend----one who cheated on his wife, but their marriage survived the affair. I know that he is encouraging my H to return to his M, but has also told him that he will stick by him no matter what. I kind of hinted to his mother what I suspected, but haven't told her.
Could you expand a little on your thoughts about who to tell and how it might affect the cheater---if it's not exposed to them?? Why do you think the fact that others know about it will expose the affair----if I don't actually confront H myself?
I've wondered what would happen if I just sat him down and said I know you will deny it, because you have before, but I know. I know I was right about it 2 years ago. I tried to believe you when you told me there was no one else. I tried to believe that THIS was all just about us. I've tried to put all the blame for this on myself. I've beaten myself up and torn myself down, but as you have always said "I'm smarter than you are, and I'm always right." I know who she is, I know what her life is like. I know she's recently divorced and has two kids the same age as our D and S. It doesn't matter how I found out without a doubt, but I know. I have known about this for a long time and have continued to stand by you and try to be patient and let you work your way back to me. I've attempted to reconnect with you by discussing what is in my heart, but you are too far away. I can only imagine what this is doing to you inside.
I would also say that I still feel like our M is the most important thing---for us and our family. I plan to stand by you while you sort all those things you have to sort out in your mind. I tried as hard as I could to let you do that without moving out. I don't plan on announcing to the world that I know WHY we are HERE. I won't do that to our kids. I hope you choose me and your family. If you do, I will be here. I will be here to help you work your way back. If you don't choose me and your family, I will still love you. I have loved you for nearly all of my life. You are a part of me, even when you are broken and empty and in desparate need of help. All I need now is for you to be honest with me. I need you to help me understand why this happened. I need you to let me back in.
I'm probably dillusional, but part of me thinks that if I don't confront him, he will be so afraid of coming clean, way more determined to avoid, and find that it's much easier (easier---ha!!) to push for divorce---even if he doesn't choose OW. I also know there is no way I can focus on re-building if he doesn't find a way to be honest and open with me. I don't think he's ready to come back to me now, so I don't know if this is the time to confront him. I just have so many questions...................I appreciate your thoughts.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
TCBTE - Sorry you are going through this... You can find me on the 'other' site - in the midlife crisis forum - 'Long Story...Here' thread. Give me a shout if I can help in any way. I think some of my posts may shed some insight as to what I believe to be true during this time.
FW
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
Di, I'm sorry your H has moved out. It is really hard at first, and as you know my kids also seemed excited about H's new place, which is hard too. Today it has been four weeks since he left and I'm much better, even though (as you'll see if you look at my thread) I still suffer and have ugly moments. It's just so hard living with someone who doesn't want to be there. I know alot of people here say it's easier to DB when your spouse is still at home. I guess it depends on the situation.
In my sitch there is no OW (I truly believe this) so I'm not much help there. I think if you know about it, you should tell him and have that be out in the open. Otherwise, I don't see how either of you can take any next steps.
Hugs!
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Our sitches are similar (aren't they all?) except that my H has not denied having OW to me.
Since your H has now left the house, I wonder if there is a way you could let it be known that you "know" without actually confronting him. Not that he'd come back right away anyway, but if he does decide to, that would seem to remove one hurdle (him having to confess or keep hiding what happened). Perhaps a note saying that there is no need to discuss it, or deny it, but you do know about <insert OW name>. You don't like it, but have accepted it, and you are praying for him (if you think that is appropriate to say). Or some kind of closing that is just slightly positive (or at lest could not be interpreted as threatening or persuing).
I'm kind of just "thinking aloud" here.
About "exposing" the A... I can see how that worked well for bfm, especially since the work thing seemed to work in her favor. I don't think I can do that in my sitch. I'm sure all of H's work knows, my guess is that it is obvious. OW is somewhat of a subordinate, but not a direct one. He is a partner, she is not, but she has not usually work directly on cases with him, although may do some now. H's firm is riddled with cases of infidelity (but also what seem to be true, faithful, family oriented people - then again, who knows since I thought H was definitely one of them) so exposure at work wouldn't do much. H's parents and sister have all passed away in the past 5 years so he has no family to expose to. H has many friends who he has somewhat distanced himself from (slowly since his parents passed). I will probably let a few of our closest friends know a limited version once H has moved out. His best friend, who he still does hang with some, and may have talked to some, I don't expect to help my cause. I like him, and he likes me, but out of all our friends it would have been him that I would think could have an A (but his would be the one-night stand type, not the soul mate type of A), he has always been a little "sneaky". There is not really anyone for me to expose to. Finally, I don't want my kids to know about the existence of OW (and if I remember, I don't think bfm/fw's kids knew), although I know that is not entirely up to me if my H takes them around her.
So I can see how exposing can work well. I just wanted to give another set of circumstances to think about as you decide what to do in your own sitch. You will figure out what works best for you.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
