LL, I'm sorry to see that your at a real dip on the roller coaster right now.
All the little irritating stuff that comes up when you live with someone on a daily basis.
Can I ask you, is all that stuff always magnified when you are still in the healing process?
And does it ever feel like all the little routine stuff brings you comfort and a sense of normalacy after all you've been through?
Would it feel better or worse if you really were separated? If you were doing all the stuff with the kids and the house by youself...and wondering "what is my H doing right now"?
I don't know yet, your sitch is different because your H didn't move out and my H hasn't come home yet.
I totally understand about the sledgehammer thing.
Sounds like you just shifted into reverse. Your feelings are natural. Sure your H has a lot of work to do, but so do you. First, you need to quit concentraring on the OW. Obviously, H doesn't want to talk about it. And if he did, it might hurt you more, you don't want or need that!
I'll write again when I get to the shop. I know you get up early, so start of today and everyday positive! (PMA)
"I want my h to ask me to once again wear the rings that he put on my hand the day I became his wife"
LL,
Why don't you ask him?
I know you've read all the books, and have done all the studying, so put those principals to work. I'm reading DR pages 217 - 218. You need to read them!
Quote: Even if the pace of reconciliation is slower than you would like, remember how far you have come. Don't screw things up now. Take a deep breath and remind yourself you are moving in the right direction. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!
Quote: Would it feel better or worse if you really were separated? If you were doing all the stuff with the kids and the house by youself...and wondering "what is my H doing right now"?
I don't know yet, your sitch is different because your H didn't move out and my H hasn't come home yet.
talista,
my h did move out...for more than six months...and ya know what? I did just fine here by myself..the kids were in bed when they were supposed to be in bed the house was cleaned and all was well..no one was using MY tootbrush and screwing up the bristles, no one was pretending that they would do their own laundry only to just plop their hamper on the bathroom floor as if that's doing your own laundry. I didn't expect him home at all so when 5 or 6 rolled around there was no one to cook dinner for besides the kids and myself no one comming home late didn't have to wonder when he'd get here well except for on his visiting nights (for the kids) but those nights for the most part he was always promt. when we were seperated I was free to leave all day everysunday while he visitited the kids..now I have to stay around or take at least dd with me wherever I have to go.
I suppose it doesn't really matter.
I'm tired...h was noisy this am in getting ready to leave or perhaps it's just too hot and therefore I'm not sleeping as well so his russling around wakes me easier. oh and also because it's hot the windows are open and son woke crying to hear daddys truck leaving...nice to be woken to crying whining pouting 4 year old...what a reminder of last summer grrrrrr!
I know that once I wake up and get the day going things will look better...right now I'm just not interested.
Quote: "I want my h to ask me to once again wear the rings that he put on my hand the day I became his wife"
LL,
Why don't you ask him?
I've already told him several times that I'd like him to ask me! he should ask me...it would mean nothing if I ask him if I can put them on..duh of course he'd say "I never told you to take them off in the first place"
Quote: I know you've read all the books, and have done all the studying, so put those principals to work. I'm reading DR pages 217 - 218. You need to read them! Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Even if the pace of reconciliation is slower than you would like, remember how far you have come. Don't screw things up now. Take a deep breath and remind yourself you are moving in the right direction. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!
every once in a while (ok sometimes more often than that) I just get a little tired...this crap aint easy ya know!
as far as the ow...I don't concentrate on her...but there are still some issues with the fact that he had an a that haven't been resolved yet....like...h lays part of the responsibility for his having an a on me...sorry I wont accept responsiblity for HIS actions. h now also blames stress for his discression (uhm hello was I not under stress..I was raising a young child (who wasn't even two when h started his a) preg with dd trying to establish a new home (I did all the packing and unpacking myself heck even moved by myself h just went to work and then came here) I didn't go have an a did I...sheesh.
and as far as h not wanting to talk about her....and if he did it would hurt me...no tony what would hurt me is to find out that he's been lying all along about what that r was...he still says nothing physical..won't even admit to a kiss (how pathetic for them if they didn't even kiss) at this point it would hurt me more to know that he's been lying to me than to find out that he had been physical with her.
I'm starting to fell a bit better already and it's only 7am but there are a few things I need to ramble off first so bear with me.
when I first learned of h's relationship with ow it was easier to deal with because of what he told me it was and what I accepted it to be. it is not so much h's leaving that hurt me as is the fact that he lied to me...he never was totally honest about the amount of time he had spent with ow before I knew about her and was completely dishonest about spending time with her after I knew about her.
sure the seperation hurt but it hurt more knowing that it was mostly because of his relationship with ow...sure our r was headed down a slippery slope but it was made worse by his having a dirty secret.
I'm hurt by the lies and deceit and I'm hurt by the fact that blame is placed on me for his affair...gee if I were to decide that I want more sex and more fun socializing and h just wasn't providing it would it be his fault if I went elswhere for it?? I don't think so...so then how is it fair of him to place partial blame on me for his affair?
I will be ok...I know I will...with time...these "blowups" as h calls them will be less and less and will be resolved easier and easier..for now I just have to act as if...I've already spoken to him this am..put on the happy face and we'll see how it goes..tonight I have emt class so I wont be around just incase he's not in an act as if kinda mood.
before falling asleep I did let h know that I was sorry for letting things get the way they did last night...h said it was ok and tommorow would be a new day...I wondered how many new days I would be allowed..h said as many as I need...that made me feel better.
it's frustrating very frustrating.
h knows I keep a wall up...it doesn't bother him..he's comfortable...knows that I will let that wall down in my own time.
h said he's not a man of grand gestures...knows that sure it would make me feel great for an hour but soon thereafter it wouldn't carry...and he's right...I can't wait for some grand gesture to show me that all is well I have to just know it each day.
I don't get a hug everyday because if I did it would get stale and old...I don't get an ily everyday (or even every week ) for the same reason...it wouldn't carry as much weight if I heard it all the time.
h is too damn smart....it's driving me nuts.
I have to be responsible for myself...the feelings that I have are my own...sure some of my feelings are a result of h's actions but they are my feelings...all he can do is say that he's sorry for doing what he did.
LL, You really need to look at all you've gone through in just one week....it truly is amazing. Your shift really got tons of positive results for you, but you've hit a low spot for a day or two. Geez....even tho you and I are at different stages/ages with our families...what you state about H is soooooo familiar. Mine is also smart...and would never do the grand gestures....ILY's are rare, so their more meaningful, haven't haad flowers for 20+ years, he notices things and makes small comments...but knows how to allow me to stew. I'm really trying the 180's, struggling not to react when he's in a bad mood ( which is often)..and he thinks the kids are against him, whenever they disagree with small issues. I don't know about your H, but I think mine is dealling with a lot of guilt (he was a former Catholic...and dropped out cuz of the guilt issues). What seems to work for me, is when I admit I have my own issues to work on...my laziness in the past years about putting our M on my priority list...etc. He then seems to open up, cuz he doesn't feel like he's the bad guy 100%. (He is as far as making a choice with OW)...but I don't go there yet, waiting for him to bring her up. I had a few down days too, tried to be distracted with activities with friends and kids. He seems distant this week, since Sunday...you're right this Dbing is really hard work, expecially when you just want to kick them in the balls and call it quits. Hang on, I'm trying to. You still inspire me with your journey....re-read it to inspire yourself, and count all the positives. Then just chill and enjoy your darling kidlets. Thinking of you. Mooka
LL, How do you deal with the day to day when nothing seems to be happening?
I am trying to show that I can get on with my life. Does that show him that I am okay with how things are and prevent him from moving forward? And if I bring up MC now, will that show him that I am still waiting for him? It seems there is no good answer.
He knows that I think we should go to MC. Before I knew about OW he would say he did not want to go, because he did not want to tell me about the A. Now that I know, he is still with her as far as I know.
He is calling every night and asking what are we doing. I am getting further into the hole of depression. I find it hard to get up and get moving. I think about the sitch all the time. I don't know how long I can go on.
I pray all the time and the only message I receive is to wait and be patient.
My H has only been gone about a month. I know yours was gone 6 months. He has been having an A for six months. Any help you could give me would be great.
My thread is on MLC.
Sorry to hijack your thread.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I see your ups and downs...I like noticing that the downs are shorter for you now and that you pull yourself out of them with words and actions and thoughtfulness and strength and ...
Don't have any advice but keep doing what you're doing. You're an inspiration to me and to tons of others here!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I did take a peek at your current thread...I don't have time to respond to your questions right now but I WILL get back to you when I have a few more free minutes (kiddos running amuck as usual)
) for the same reason...it wouldn't carry as much weight if I heard it all the time.