I'm starting to fell a bit better already and it's only 7am but there are a few things I need to ramble off first so bear with me.

when I first learned of h's relationship with ow it was easier to deal with because of what he told me it was and what I accepted it to be. it is not so much h's leaving that hurt me as is the fact that he lied to me...he never was totally honest about the amount of time he had spent with ow before I knew about her and was completely dishonest about spending time with her after I knew about her.

sure the seperation hurt but it hurt more knowing that it was mostly because of his relationship with ow...sure our r was headed down a slippery slope but it was made worse by his having a dirty secret.

I'm hurt by the lies and deceit and I'm hurt by the fact that blame is placed on me for his affair...gee if I were to decide that I want more sex and more fun socializing and h just wasn't providing it would it be his fault if I went elswhere for it?? I don't think so...so then how is it fair of him to place partial blame on me for his affair?


I will be ok...I know I will...with time...these "blowups" as h calls them will be less and less and will be resolved easier and easier..for now I just have to act as if...I've already spoken to him this am..put on the happy face and we'll see how it goes..tonight I have emt class so I wont be around just incase he's not in an act as if kinda mood.

before falling asleep I did let h know that I was sorry for letting things get the way they did last night...h said it was ok and tommorow would be a new day...I wondered how many new days I would be allowed..h said as many as I need...that made me feel better.

it's frustrating very frustrating.

h knows I keep a wall up...it doesn't bother him..he's comfortable...knows that I will let that wall down in my own time.

h said he's not a man of grand gestures...knows that sure it would make me feel great for an hour but soon thereafter it wouldn't carry...and he's right...I can't wait for some grand gesture to show me that all is well I have to just know it each day.

I don't get a hug everyday because if I did it would get stale and old...I don't get an ily everyday (or even every week ) for the same reason...it wouldn't carry as much weight if I heard it all the time.

h is too damn smart....it's driving me nuts.

I have to be responsible for myself...the feelings that I have are my own...sure some of my feelings are a result of h's actions but they are my feelings...all he can do is say that he's sorry for doing what he did.

I'll be ok...dd's awake gotta go.

LL