Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

[Bworl]

I don't think you screwed things up.

I think you took her out of her comfort zone. Sometimes that's needed to move things. The question is, in which direction will they move?

You didn't mention "the word" much, but I'm assuming that you communicated to her that you love her. That the conversation was coming from your love for her and the family you have together.

I think your problem here has been simply that you don't see any progress being made. Just know that it's difficult to see the progress sometimes when you're dealing with emotional matters. The lack of physical intimacy would certainly be hard. Does she offer physical touch in any way? That is, will she hold your hand, hug you, gently touch you in conversation? At least that would keep you connected a bit.

I guess you see where it goes Mules. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with having this conversation from time to time. It's only fair to all involved to catch up with where she is and where she might think things are headed. Just remember that pressure is not typically a favorite thing for an MLC'er. Be prepared to balance out the talks like this with some time for her to collect herself and stabilize.


Blessings,

Bill

[Neilh23]

bill....when you get a sec...could use your advice....hard time as of late...

[mulesqb]

Thanks Puppy - I think you know how hard this was for me and I totally agree about it being long overdue. I had to get over that fear of saying something that would make her run - it was time.

It felt good but I still have some things I want to say - we are going to continue later.

[mulesqb]

Bill - Yes I did tell her that she had 4 people in the house that love her more than anything. I also mentioned to her a few times that I care so much about her. I also told her I would continue to fight for my marriage and my family. I didn't want to overdue it. I kept saying that I was very concerned for her and that it was very important to me that she find happiness.

Taking her out of her "comfort zone" is exactly what my IC said last night - you sure you weren't there in the next room?? And that's exactly right - no progress at all, just existing - time to try something different.

There has been very little physical touch. She held my hand when we came home from the kennel when we bought the dog - she has tapped me a few times when we were joking around when the neighbor's are over (which again is getting to be too much time).

I don't plan on pressuring now and thanks for bringing that up. What do you think about me sleeping in the guest room tonight.

I also told her that in the current state of affairs that I didn't feel right going to Lake George. She said that she knew I would hold that over her head. I said that I would love to go away with her - but if we really aren't a couple - why the hell are we taking a couple's weekend - it doesn't make sense.

I will definitely give her a lot of space starting tonight.

[Bworl]

I didn't want to chime in on the Lake George trip.

This is a decision that YOU have to make.

I'll just say this. I don't think your wife was planning a marriage swapping weekend. I do think she was planning on some couples only socializing, and that might be a tad uncomfortable for you, but you've spent plenty of time with them by now.

My curiosity would have had the best of me, probably making me go on this trip. A couple days without the kids, without the house and work responsibilities? Well, I would really have been interested in why she would want to do that with me and what her plans were.

But I understand where you are coming from in your decision.

Don't cross over into punishing her for where she finds herself right now. And I'm not saying you are, but I see the potential for her to read it that way. No trip because of your issues. No sleeping together because of your issues. etc, etc...

I guess I'm coming down still on the side of feeling like loving compassion is a better approach than pulling yourself away. She's already expressed that she feels isolated, unwanted, even unloved. Don't make her perceptions reality.

Remember how she would tell you that she couldn't believe how you were treating her, given how difficult things had been?

See, I would want her to be thinking and feeling that EVERY day.

Not to the point of being a doormat. But again, I don't think she has crossed the line into betrayal.



Blessings,

Bill

[mulesqb]

I'll just say this. I don't think your wife was planning a marriage swapping weekend. I do think she was planning on some couples only socializing, and that might be a tad uncomfortable for you, but you've spent plenty of time with them by now.

Definitely not a swinging thing - that's not her (even the new her) or me. Never happen or you would see skid marks. I could handle the neighbors. I'm actually getting along with the H.

My curiosity would have had the best of me, probably making me go on this trip. A couple days without the kids, without the house and work responsibilities? Well, I would really have been interested in why she would want to do that with me and what her plans were.

Exactly where I was - especially when I told her I wasn't going to do the pot smoking.

Don't cross over into punishing her for where she finds herself right now. And I'm not saying you are, but I see the potential for her to read it that way. No trip because of your issues. No sleeping together because of your issues. etc, etc...

I guess I'm coming down still on the side of feeling like loving compassion is a better approach than pulling yourself away. She's already expressed that she feels isolated, unwanted, even unloved. Don't make her perceptions reality.


Remember how she would tell you that she couldn't believe how you were treating her, given how difficult things had been?

See, I would want her to be thinking and feeling that EVERY day.

Great, great point. I'll take a deep breath and slow down. THANKS!!

[faithisbelieving]

I think this is backfiring and I"d back off right now. I'm reading my own sitch here and I think you should detach and give space now. The one thing your IC said that was true is that you should start doing things alone with the kids.

This convo will turn into blame and resentment.

I'm still hearing from my W that "I'm not bipolar" whereas my IC thinks she is.

Stop. Give her space. You are smothering her and pressuring her.

FIB

[The Wifey]

mulesqb,

Be distant but loving here. I also have a very confused spouse. He tells other people something different than he says in front of me. He says he loves me and is confused.

Maybe I'm grasping at straws, but I see the confusion as a good thing.

[mulesqb]

Thanks FIb - I backed off - never continued the convo. Just took my boys to their game tonight and she called because she wanted to come but it started to rain.

I had really planned on giving space anyway - just felt I did need to say what was said. I decided that was enough though and didn't do anything else. I guess sometimes you just have to get the feel for it. Maybe it was a mistake in the first place but I felt I needed to say it for me. But it's done, I won;t push anymore.
Would you sleep in the normal bed tonight or move to the other room??

[mulesqb]

Thanks KJ - How are you?? I was in your thread and was worried about you. Glad you had a good IC session. Hang in there - we'll both make it through this. I totally agree about the confusion.

I just felt like I was not being true to myself and just needed to be me a little. There has been a lot going on here and I think this will help set boundaries. Who knows - maybe I blew it - but I felt it was a risk I needed to take. It was that or breakdown aagain and tell her how much I love her - but my head couldn't withstand all the 2 x 4s here.

She does look very conflicted and is being extremely nice. She's in the basement i'm upstairs - i'm trying to decide whether to stay in my bed or sleep in the guest room.