Alien invasion 3.0

[hoosiermama]

Wow--excellent thoughts, Puppy. I often need help "reframing" things, and you just gave me a much more empowered way of thinking about this. From our prior conversation it seems much more to have to do with "going to court" and "using the evidence against him," or at least that seems that someone may have put that into his head. But there's also the guilt part; you know, it's appropriate that he feel guilt because he's caused a lot of pain. And it's not that I want to "punish" him, but I think if this comes out into the open he'll have to deal with it; as it is now, he's just able to stay in denial. I really need to "take back my power" in this, because all along it's been H calling the shots. I don't do well in that kind of situation; I tend to curl up inside and that's the last thing I need to be doing here. Thanks for reframing for me and giving me not only a strategy but a different point of view.

[BeingMe]

I found you! Hi, Hmama!!!! Lots of good advice on your sitch here. Just sending you hugs and lots of positive vibes. I like what you said about taking back your power.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks! That has always been, and probably alway will be, an area for growth with me. Codependent FOO, etc. Good to have reminders.

[hoosiermama]

~^~

[hoosiermama]

I woke up because of a ferocious thunderstorm, and now I can't get back to sleep. Bummer. I'll be yawning all day now.

Kind of excited about the prospect of forcing H's hand at MC today. I've felt all along that I've been sitting around waiting for his next move and just bracing myself for it; not a good feeling. However, I feel like I'm "taking back some power" in calling him on his lie from the last session: "No, there IS no one else." I'd be nothing but a doormat if I let that one go, even tho we're not working on the M but rather on helping D. And on that--for the past month I've been quite clear about my intention to support D's relationship with H, for her sake; she needs her dad especially at this age. But he keeps going back to talking about his fear that I'll trash him to her and make her hate him. Pure projection, part response to her anger at him (of course she's angry!) and part just another way to demonize me. I think I need to call him on that, because it's wasting our time for me to keep reassuring him. I've given him no reason to believe anything except my sincere support of that father-daughter bond. It's just a way to deflect blame from himself and keep us out of meatier territory, such as his absolute selfishness.

Also feeling slightly sick because my boss/pastor came and sat in my office with a pen and pad of paper, and said it was time to discuss announcing my leaving to the parish--and how did I want him to announce it. He was wearing a huge smile--what a jerk. I said I didn't have the slightest idea what to say, I'd give it some thought. I'm leaving because I'm being pushed out the door by a couple of co-workers, who have spent the past several years sabotaging my projects, withholding information, spreading false rumors, and undermining my efforts--it's all about control and jealousy and needing to be seen as the only ones who deserve gratitude. In spite of many efforts to defend myself to the boss/pastor, he chose to believe the lies, and it was mostly a matter of quit or be fired. And it was just too demoralizing to stay and fight just to be able to do my job (for not very much $$); I've been doing that for 4 years. So I resigned back in May--4 days later H drops the bomb. Boss/pastor could have had the good grace not to look so happy today, but then he never has been able to keep his thoughts from showing on his face. What a crappy thing to do--he knows he's pushing me out, it's his responsibility to put some kind of positive spin on it, not mine. The original plan was to say I was leaving to do _________ (fill in the blank with new job) so I could spend more time with my family. (Ironic, no?) But there's no new job yet. Hence the problem. Heaven forbid the parish find out what really happened. This leaving is very painful, but dealing with my feelings about that have been so eclipsed by the collapse of my marriage.

Okay, I vented, I feel better and I'm going to try to go back to sleep!

[naej]

Oh Hoosier, I am sorry. Really the more I read about "religious folks" and the behaviour of so called Christian MLC ers plus their take on what God wants them to do, I despair.
I am sure thats why so many people don't go to church because of the people in them.
I hope your pastor manages to have a concience at some point or God smites him!
I hope you find a new job soon and one that deserves you.
Take care.Hope you got back to sleep, I was woken by my neighbours drilling and banging at 7.30am!
Hence my less than charitable view of life. I am not a morning person!

[hoosiermama]

Yes, at this point in my life I can really understand that phrase, "Lord, protect me from your followers!" Between my mean-spirited co-workers, my clueless boss/pastor, and my hypocritical and loony H, they've done a number on me. Or maybe the devil has picked me out as a particular project. Who knows.

Yep, got back to sleep just fine. Not for long enough, tho!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoosier,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with a haughty pastor at this time. What a schmuck. Why don't you say "Just tell them I'm leaving to try to focus on keeping my family together in the face of my husband's adultery. Now, that's the TRUTH, but then again you always seem to do whatever you want to do anyway, so spin it however you wish, it's your flock," and let him spin that however he wants to!

Seriously.

Puppy

[BeingMe]

Wow, Hmama! It always amazes me how the worst can come out in church going people. I am shocked that your pastor is involved. My D28 is having similar problems at her church in St. Louis, MO, but at least she is just a volunteer, not actually an employee (and, her priest is very much behind her). Why do people have to be so mean-spirited? What gratification do they get out of making someone else's life so challenging?

Perhaps, the congregation should know the truth? Although, what purpose that would serve, I don't know, except that the truth will be known. I guess, God will reveal it in His time. My only advice in this sitch, is to trust that God has a plan for your life, and that He wants you to be happy, and to know joy. So, choose the right, walk the high road, and do not let your heart be troubled. (I think of the words from a hymn - Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, … omnipotent hand.)

In MCing, the truth should be spoken, no matter how it pains your H. Definitely, assure him that you will not compromise his R with his daughter, but you will not force her to be happy that he has left the family. He has to expect that she will be angry with him, and that there is nothing much you can do about that.

Good luck! Thinking of ya! (((((hugs)))))

[hoosiermama]

Yeah, I know. Church people can be the worst, and church politics are definitely nasty. Yes, I gave some thought to the integrity of telling the truth vs the integrity of continuing to be a healing presence (which is what I do) and the healing presence won out. There are definitely people who have figured out what is going on, but overall there probably wouldn't be any good purpose served by taking that stand. So taking the high road is what I've decided. Besides, I'll still be a member here (at least that's the plan) and these people are my only family, and D still has 2 years left in school here at the parish school--so no need to burn any bridges.

What do they gain from being so mean-spirited? Control, continuing to be seen as martyrs who can do it all, public affirmation undiluted with any affirmation that came my way. All I wanted was to do ministry, to do my job. Guess God has other plans.