I hear what you're saying WDID. I just have such a hard time when she acts so indifferent about the affair, like she didn't do anything wrong and it's no big deal and won't take any responsibility for any of this. Like she's justified in what she's done.
I've said this before and probably will again. I take credit for my portion of where our marriage was that let this happen. But I refuse to take credit for her affair. And until she can wrap her mind around that, we'll NEVER get anywhere. And I'm just not sure she'll get there (if ever) without a BIG PUSH from me and my kids.
I understand love is a decision. She doesn't. She watches crap on T.V. and reads books that all have this magical, there's one person in the world for everyone and she just thinks because OM made her squishy, then she can't possibly love me. She thinks love is either there or it's not. And how can I complete with that?
I'm going to give her time. Til Oct. And yes, it would be easier to leave. But I've been at this for over a year now since I first suspected what was going on and I'm exhausted. And S16 is really having a hard time of it too, but W either doesnt' see it or refuses to see it. So how much longer can I/should I put up with it?
Don't get me wrong. We're making progress. At least I think we are. But without her doing/saying anything that gives me hope, I'm just not sure how much more I'm willing to invest in a relationship that is/has been always so one sided.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I do think she will show you her remorse about the affair. Just give her time. Until she gets rid of all of her anger and she trusts you again, she won't admit anything to you or herself. She has done something awful, she knows this deep inside, to tell you now would be to say that everything she has done and felt this past year meant nothing....can you see how hard that is for a mind to handle?
That being said, she DOES need to feel remorse for what she has done and I wish you could get her to retrouvaille because you would see results in the speed you want it. You don't share your story with anyone, you don't sit and talk with anyone. You sit in a group of people and listen and do some things on your own in the privacy of your room. It's not a counseling session.
I was like your wife in that I wanted the dreamy, magical, soulmate love. I watched The Bachelor, too. My favorite movies are romances and dramas. How can you compete? She has to learn that isn't true. She has to be away from OM a set amount of time (which she is), and read books or go to this retrouvaille or counseling or all of them. Puppy said something about bringing this up. Maybe it is time?
I know I sound like a marketing rep for Retrouvaille, but I have no reason to tell you about it other than I know it would be what you need. The thing I got out of it was HOPE.
I know I sound like a marketing rep for Retrouvaille, but I have no reason to tell you about it other than I know it would be what you need. The thing I got out of it was HOPE.
Thanks guys. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
Last night after our little discussion, I took S16 to pick up his new glasses. Right after we walked out the door W started TM'ing the enabler GF. Probably 10 TM's back and forth.
So if she's not talking to OM and me getting subpoena'd isn't a big deal, why would she need to contact the EGF as soon as we walked out the door? When we got home she had left her cell phone sitting out and I looked at her TM's and she had deleted all of them. So if she's got nothing to hide, why delete them? Maybe she was crying to EGF because OM had lied to her about divorcing his wife and because she found out OM had another GF while he was still using my W. If that's the case, I guess reality stinks huh? Can't believe a guy who is willing to screw around on his wife multiple times would tell my wife lies to get in her pants.
I'm just so tired. I went home at lunch and S16 was in a talking mood and he's just tired of this too. I don't know how much longer I can take this crap.
I know Pup, you're going to tell me it's time to confront her and you maybe right. I'm sure there'll be plenty of opportunities with this deposition coming up. I guess I'll just play it by ear.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
If egf was the one she talked to about OM, you can probably be pretty certain that is what she was texting to her.....about the latest developments about him. Egf was the one that she confided in about everything. She wouldn't talk to you about it because it would be hurtful.
I'm afraid you are going to "blow". I think it is time to say something. She needs to start working on the marriage if she wants to be with you. Going day to day with no remorse is not going to help. Building the foundation for your marriage to build on will have to start with trust and forgiveness. She is going to have to give you something in that way or I see you just giving up.
Don't give up. Your marriage didn't get bad in a short period of time, and it won't get better in a short period of time. (Except you would get a very good shove if you went to retrovaille)
Well, another cold night at home. W said exactly 11 words to me. I don't know if she understands why I'm having a struggle with the whole testifying thing or not. She hasn't seemed angry, but kind of just giving me space.
So maybe I shouldn't have done this, but this morning I sent her an email and just said "sorry I've been out of sorts the last couple days. I'm just having trouble with the testifying thing".
I thought it would be a way to possibly open up some dialog with her and give her a chance to open up to me some. Give her a chance to SHOW me she understands.
I'm not expecting much in return. But how she responds will most likely go a long way towards what I do in the path forward.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I think it was fine. You are being open and honest with your feelings and that can't be all bad. Don't forget how far you have come just because of this.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I do try to remember Kat. I appreciate the reminder. I know it's not going to get better as quickly as I'd like, but I just have such a hard time with her seemingly lack of remorse. But I also know W is such a stubborn hard head that she may be feeling those things, but to admit it to me would be the worst thing in her mind.
Last night while I was sitting there watching the Tour de France she was reading a book and sniffling quite a bit. I took a peek out of the corner of my eye and it looked like she was crying some. I don't know that for sure, but it looked like it. So maybe she's just not able to deal with the fact that she caused this and doesn't know what to do to get out of it.
I know not to get my expectations up too high waiting for a response to the email, but again, it will go a long way towards how I proceed.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
My guess is that most of the TMs (possibly all) were with EGF, but that she didn't want you to see the CONTENT of them because she was speaking freely and didn't want to upset you. She also may have TMd a nasty message or two to OM, who knows.
I'm not quite sure what you should do, but this is a good example of why "ANY contact is 'bad' contact" and why I preach 100% no-contact and transparency. NOP taught me that even when my daughters fed my wife BAD info and gossip about OM, it "fed the beast" and got her brain chemicals flowing all over again, and it reset the reconcilation clock back to 0:00 every time. It's very typical for a wayward to have an enabling friend with whom they converse all of the drama about the OM/OW, and it's destructive to the marriage. I always try to get the enabling friend behind the no-contact fireweall as well, if possible.
My advice to you for the next few days anyway would be the ol' "Do no harm." See if your wife's distant bitchiness is just a temporary mood swing and if she makes a move back towards you. I would NOT pursue her though! In fact, I'd do something that demonstrates my love via an AOS and then I'd back the hell off in terms of convos and messages.
