My W has told me flat out that consistency is a major issue she has with me. In her words exatly:
"One day you are Mr. Cool, the next you are accusing me of an affair on the phone ."
So what do you do? You call her up to have a simple conversation, and allow her lack of communication to push you right back into the behavior she has already told you she has a problem with.
You are not capable right now of keeping ANY conversation from turning in to a talk about your grievances with this woman.
You are supposed to be winning her back. You are supposed to be showing her that you are the one man that she cannot live without. You are supposed to be showing her that you have been working on those issues that you knew needed fixed in your behavior. You are supposed to be showing her that your love for her is unconditional, not predicated on her responding in some particular way.
Notice the word "showing" in those statements above. Not telling.
She's not interested in your words. Because your words contradict your actions.
You don't TELL your spouse that you're letting go. You do it. And the fact that you're telling her those things is further evidence that you are NOT detached in a way that allows you to have a friendly conversation with her.
This is a viscious circle in the communication between the two of you, and you are going to have to find a way to stop it before one or the other of you eventually says "the hell with it" and ends this relationship.
Yes, I think it's THAT serious.
I know you have checked in with Neilh in the past. Take a look at Mulesqb. Go read other threads by guys who are successfully putting the focus on themselves and attempting to approach their spouse from a position of love and friendship.
UD, your wife suspects that the only thing on your mind is suspicions of her being involved with others. She believes that every conversation from you comes at her with the hidden agenda of wanting to find out that she is betraying you with another. And THAT is why she is closed up to you. THAT is why you get short answers to seemingly harmless questions.
And you can change that. But it's going to take time and, as she has told you, CONSISTENCY in your interactions with her to begin to build a foundation of trust in you from her part.
And look, I'm not ignoring her contributions here. But as I've told you before, what she does or chooses to do is not something that you or anyone else can control. She will do what she does.
You are supposed to be looking at making inroads back in to her life. She is already on a path away from you, or she would not have left in the first place. Your job is to get YOUR act together, be honest about the issues that have driven the two of you apart, and start fixing those things. And it starts with your attitude and self control.
That's why this is hard work.
And that's why so many choose to just quit instead.
There are no guarantees. You may do all this hard work and still not get a resolution that you are happy with.
Well, I was wrong, there is one guarantee. If you choose NOT to do the hard work, there is little to no chance that she becomes a part of your life again.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
