In search of ButterflyMom and Favoriteweirdo......

[ddstartingover]

Thanks BFM - OW was married when the affair started, but her H cheated on her and I've learned that she recently divorced and bought a house in the town in which she lives (80 miles from here). I've been told that it is more likely that she divorced as a result of her screwed up H and not so she could be with mine...........but how do you know? She has two kids, the same age as our two youngest and I don't see him wanting to raise someone else's kids.................

I have told H's best friend's wife. She has shared it with him. H promised to "work on himself" after he moved out and Saturday said that talking to best friend would be a start. Of course he doesn't know that I know----and that I know what he needs to talk about. I also know that he has confided in another very good friend----one who cheated on his wife, but their marriage survived the affair. I know that he is encouraging my H to return to his M, but has also told him that he will stick by him no matter what. I kind of hinted to his mother what I suspected, but haven't told her.

Could you expand a little on your thoughts about who to tell and how it might affect the cheater---if it's not exposed to them?? Why do you think the fact that others know about it will expose the affair----if I don't actually confront H myself?

I've wondered what would happen if I just sat him down and said I know you will deny it, because you have before, but I know. I know I was right about it 2 years ago. I tried to believe you when you told me there was no one else. I tried to believe that THIS was all just about us. I've tried to put all the blame for this on myself. I've beaten myself up and torn myself down, but as you have always said "I'm smarter than you are, and I'm always right." I know who she is, I know what her life is like. I know she's recently divorced and has two kids the same age as our D and S. It doesn't matter how I found out without a doubt, but I know. I have known about this for a long time and have continued to stand by you and try to be patient and let you work your way back to me. I've attempted to reconnect with you by discussing what is in my heart, but you are too far away. I can only imagine what this is doing to you inside.

I would also say that I still feel like our M is the most important thing---for us and our family. I plan to stand by you while you sort all those things you have to sort out in your mind. I tried as hard as I could to let you do that without moving out. I don't plan on announcing to the world that I know WHY we are HERE. I won't do that to our kids. I hope you choose me and your family. If you do, I will be here. I will be here to help you work your way back. If you don't choose me and your family, I will still love you. I have loved you for nearly all of my life. You are a part of me, even when you are broken and empty and in desparate need of help. All I need now is for you to be honest with me. I need you to help me understand why this happened. I need you to let me back in.

I'm probably dillusional, but part of me thinks that if I don't confront him, he will be so afraid of coming clean, way more determined to avoid, and find that it's much easier (easier---ha!!) to push for divorce---even if he doesn't choose OW. I also know there is no way I can focus on re-building if he doesn't find a way to be honest and open with me. I don't think he's ready to come back to me now, so I don't know if this is the time to confront him. I just have so many questions...................I appreciate your thoughts.