I just got all caught up on your sitch, and saw a lot of similarities in our situations, yours and mine. Esp. that you and I are both VERY emotional people, that we both, unfortunately, put our husbands through the ringer over the past year or so, and can understand "why" they would have fallen out of love with us. I, too, am hurt that my H isn't willing to work on the M anyway. For better or worse, right? And both of our H's seem angry, withdrawn and cold, and "done".
Like you, I "flood" with emotion, and can cry at the drop of a hat. I've had to practically do flips to detach myself and NOT cry around my H, with only very recent success (after months of trying and then backsliding). Reading your sitch, I can see maybe why your H seems withdrawn and barreling towards D, it's partially why mine is as well:
I think he may be worried and scared of how upset this is making you. I think he may be rushing to D partially FOR YOUR SAKE. Maybe he feels like if he can end it quickly, it will be like pulling a band-aid quickly and then you'll be alright, and so will he. He told you something similar to that a few posts back. I think he may be trying to save you, as well as himself, from further pain (in the wrong way, but the feeling is genuine, I think).
I really think that as hard as it is, you have to back WAY, way off and have a PMA around him, and be consistent at it. Believe me, I know how hard that is. But one way to do it is try to accept the worst--that he may serve you with divorce papers. OK. So what if he does? As someone else said on here, it's just so much paper. It's not your relationship with your H. Your relationship began before you had that marriage license, right? It can also continue even if there are divorce papers dissolving that marriage.
Something clicked in my head when I accepted that my H and I were going to move towards a legal S (or even D). I stopped being so afraid, and I was FINALLY able to detach enough that I am not anxious or crying and reacting to everything H throws at me, and can actually DB, which in turn makes me feel better about myself.
If you can get to a place where you know that no matter what you will be OK--and you WILL be OK--then I know you can calm down and be a Rockstar DBer. You and your H have a really good chance of making it from what I've read, your problems are fixable, and there is real love there on both sides.
Do what you can to show your H consistently that you are OK, and detach, and I'm willing to bet cold hard cash that he will start moving in your direction instead of away.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
