A key thing that Michele doesn't talk enough about is how to manage conversations.
You don't have to talk about something just because she is pursuing that. Casually and subtely change the subject.
I have tried the following successfully too :
"Considering where we are at right now, I don't think that would be a constructive discussion for us both. I would like to talk about this further, but I don't think we are ready for that right now."
Just chum around with your child as often as you can. Just look at her as if she's on vacation or something and have both of you wave to her and say "bye mommy" and fun casual things like that.
It will endear you to her as the father of her child. I am actually surprised she's not more vocal about protecting him right now...not a lot of maternal instinct surfacing there.
I am wondering if her parents calling the OM's parents and telling them to get their son to stop harassing their daughter. I think as long as you don't appear involved, pressure is a good thing. If you have the card, play it.
Maybe his parents don't care about the damage he's doing..who knows...I would be mortified if my son was violating a home like that. Phil McGraw says its no better than breaking into their home and stealing their things.
Anyhow, you are in a good spot B, just keep up the reading, that was the area you were falling short on. Michele points out in her book that you should read as much as you can on building and healing a marriage.
Not Just Friends is a good book to get too, by Shirley Glass. There are many good books out there. After the Affair is popular too, though I find it is way too sympathetic to the unfaithful spouse. Its also written in a voice that addresses the unfaithful spouse directly...so you may find it hard to stomach, but ATA has lots of good things to say though.
Another thing I found that helped me deal with all the smoke and mirror games my wife plays - get some friends together and play poker.
Particularly avoid the draw versions.
This will get you to NOT trust what people are saying when they are trying to intimidate you. This will get you in a mindset to read body language and tells. Poker is a game of courage and intimidation. This is the same game your wife is playing. Its just a big game of chicken.
She's in a bad position now and she knows it, as long as you keep up what you're doin things will get increasingly worse for her and easier for you.
If you can find some 180's to do, this is a good time to try them out - plant some flowers, learn to cook. Take a course in french at your local college....whatever will SHOCK her.
The only card she really has come to think of it is divorce, and she can't play that for two years. lol
She's got nothin...and you have quite a few good ones, pressure from her community should be a major one for you to use.
Ignore her sister, her sister's ignorant and likley just as messed up. Go with the pastor and the married couples...THEY know what they are talking about.
I understand you have a mediator, but I'm thinking it might be wise for you to at least consult with a few lawyers. I would check on these calculations the mediator came up with. My guess is this mediator has been hired by your wife... so basically the mediator is working for your wife? Since I don't know too much about mediation please, those of you with experience, correct me if I'm wrong...
I understand you want to save your marriage, but I think it would be wise to look very carefully at financially protecting yourself if this whole thing goes through.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
mediator is someone that doesn't choose sides, helps both parties reach the best possible outcome for everyone involved. she was recommended to us by multiple people.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
am I going to be able to tell if she's shocked by the things I am trying ? I am running, going to the gym, going to mass and confession, taking our son out more, i just offered to teach my boss's son guitar. i do things around the house that need done when she's too busy too.....i feel like all that doesn't matter and she still wants separation i will keep doing though.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
glad to see you made it back to the thread Mark. really good ideas. I took 4 years of spanish in school so i'm not sure if french is it. I suppose I could plant flowers in our yard out back, i'm not really seeing how these things will get her back. apparently she wants OM because he isn't the father to her son or her husband with whom she lived. hard to swallow sometimes, but i keep thinking she has to miss me at least some of the time. i won't count on it though.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
have not brought up our relationship in almost 2 weeks. i'm not looking for physical signs like hugging or kissing, i just want to know what's going through her head. I know i know, no crystal balls or telekinesis, but it would be nice to know that even though i am changing MYSELF for the better, that it is effecting her. thanks guys
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
i guess i am looking for the one or two things that would make her say to herself "maybe i should hold off on the separation papers to see what he's up to..." but then again, maybe if that were the case, I would have had the papers a month ago ? she isn't sure about all this ? if she has feelings for me they're deep down in a trench somewhere keep reading though.....
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
You have to trust that she's having doubts. The problem is when you feel bad, or when anyone feels bad, all their senses focus on all the negative stuff and everything spirals downward.
Focus on the positives. She IS nice to you, she hasn't left your home, she hasn't moved out, she is meeting with a mediator.
You hae to trust yoruself and that what you are doing is good for YOU and her. This isn't all just for her, you will feel better inside having done all these changes to clean up your life.
Its a tragedy that this had to be motivated in this manner, but you are doing good things for yourself. You are living a life you can be proud of. Can SHe say the same? Can HE say the same? You are coming out on top here.
I would talk with a lawyer yes and find out what your legal position is rather than relying on second hand rumours.
The idea is for you to do something very unlike yourself so she can see you are NOT the guy she left. You want her to see that you are a NEW guy, much better than the one she walked out on, and even much better than the one she's looking at now.
There's hurt and resistance there still...so you have to do some daring stuff to catch her attention. Its kinda like in school when there's someone you like and they don't realise you exist...it takes some daring...and in this case she doens't want anything romantically declarative.
Yes, it owuld help if she was clear on what she was looking for in her life right now. It would be GREAT if she would agree to see a marriage counsellor/therapist.
The idea there would be to sell it as "we just want to find out how all of this will affect our son and make sure everyone is coming out of this with the minimal amount of upset possible"
I think that sounds safe enough. Only her parents should be hte one to pitch that idea, not you.
See if you can get her to attent a marriage therapy session. She doenst have to go WIHT YOU, she can go alone or you two can attend separate sessions.
i will keep doing though.