Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Today H left a phone message for me, asking if I'd called our mediator to set up a new appt. (See above--I cancelled our most recent mediator appt after H&I had a huge fight last week that left me feeling very wounded.)

So now it's up to me to restart the mediation process--but I am feeling so angry and upset by H lately that I can't stand the idea of sitting with him and cooperating--even though I know we have to do the kid scheduling/money stuff eventually.

What I want of course, is for H to completely take back the things he's said--the IDLYA, the implication that he's been unhappy with me since before D11 was conceived, the "living a lie" concept. I know that's not going to happen--but I feel like I can't give in and let him have his way right now either, even though it's childish of me. So I'm at a standstill. I know it bugs him that I'm now in charge of when or if we restart mediation, and that is satisfying too (pathetic as it is.) I have felt so powerless in all this that any wee bit of power feels great.

I have been socializing a lot with friends, working, cleaning, gardening, exercising, trying to diet (not good at that--why don't I lose my appetite, darn it?) and feeling good and centered much of the time. But still I am trying to right myself when it comes to H and my understanding of our 20 year R vs his. It's still so upsetting and infuriating and I'm not sure what to do.