I don't see it as being a gold digger at all. I think she is just telling you what is going on because she feels free to open up to you.
You are her sounding board. Maybe you think she is looking for finacial help because a lot of men(not all) think women want something or some kind of help when they talk about their problems. Usually, we just want someone to listen. I would say just keep listening and perhaps tell her that she could look into getting the child support she needs and you could help her with the paperwork or something. See what she says or does from there.
That is very true. There are two LBS women that use to post on this BB that accepted the child support but declined alimony from their H's even though they were entitled to it by law.
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And why was this brought up?
Why do you think???
There is nothing wrong with fighting for alimony And I guarantee nor would 98% of spouses that were entitled to it because we know the unselfish effort and love that went into doing our job. To be honest, I resent the implcations.
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That doesn't make any person less of a person, or mark them as unable to make it on their own 2 feet.
Of course it doesn't. If it was truly a partnership then IT'S OUR MONEY AS WELL and that's the law.
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These type of systems are in place for a reason. I was raised by very old school parents, that came to this country with zero.
My father of all people said don't you dare feel guilty for accepting what the courts say you are entitled to.
AMEN!!!
If, additionally, a woman has left her career to care for her family, she is at a distinct disadvantage financially... she will probably not catch up to where she would be if she had never married and had children... Alimony seeks to compensate her and more so their children for the sacrifices she made...
So true. Besides leaving a good paying job and a exciting career, I moved all across the country numerous times for ex, making it impossible to move up in any career had I had the luxury of staying in 1 place long enough. Even though I have the job I love, if I had stayed where I was after getting pregnant, who knows where I might have been, both career wise and geographically speaking.
Only someone who didn't have a choice would make these statements.
Scooter I've been both upper middle class and am now dirt poor. I am a lot happier dirt poor not cause I like being poor I like not worring about anything to loose and I like the freedom it brings. However I do not advise you loosing everything just to be happy.
I've known ladies whom need the cash just to keep fed and pay for rent and their lot in life is not easy. I can see their point.
I've danced with a lady whom informed me she lived on alimony from various husbands. The dance ended quickly. She was a looker and I looked the other way.
Like anything do your research and find out the whys. Often what one is complaining about is not the real subject but time and a good set of ears will probably give you an answer.
Buy the way if your gut tells you something is wrong usually it is. If your gut tells you something is right then do the time and ears thing.
That's a guy's perspective.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I would just really like to know what made him post this? Maybe there's something more to the story?.
I've been a human ATM in my 1st M. Vowed never to be one again.
I'm really going to need to digest the good points you've all made. Feeling so confused because of the volume of quality information to understand at the moment.
My other concern is that she is a WAW from a 20 year marriage that she's been wanting to get out of for 5 years, finally did it and has been D for 8 months, S for a little over 2 years.
Her previous H was to a professional that gave her a good lifestyle but pulled it when she wanted out. From the settlement 2 years ago, she set herself up with new house, new car, big screen TV...all the extra's like she was going to continue the high life.
It just seems to me that after 2 years, the wheels are starting to fall off the cart so to speak. That's what I'm reading between the lines.
In my former M, though we were asset rich, after the fire sale there was very little to share and I'm proud that I was able to claw my way back after 5 years. I just don't want to be in the same financial sitch a second time.
The good points is that she demonstrates how deeply in love she is with me. It seems genuine but it could be an just an act or a combination of both.
We enjoy spending time together at her home. Her children are late teens and I can see that they aren't warming to me no matter what I do.
We don't go out hardly at all. It's always at her house.
Since her S, she hasn't moved on socially, doesn't have many friends and I am her first romantic interest since her exH.
She does not speak much of her ex. Which I take to mean a sign of healing.
I was an ATM for a spouse during my M and paid a serious chunk of change to make make The X go away. And it took me 5 years to get back on my feet again.
I talked to my C about how I am not interesting in paying off another spouse if a future R does not work out. And especially in my 40's - I have no desire to rebuild financially yet again. My C said "ask him to sign a pre-nup." If he is not a gold digger - he won't mind signing. If he has a problem signing - there is a red flag. After all if the R lasts - well the pre-nup is not a big deal. It only really kicks in if the R falls apart.
I am also in the process of adopting and it is important to me to be able to provide financial stability for my future kids.
And if I should end up with a man that makes more - I will volunteer to sign a pre-nup. And if I end up having a future R's kids - there will be a post nup and funds set aside to secure their future.
There is reality and then there is idealism. I dealt with idealism last time. These days I am much more into reality.
If, additionally, a woman has left her career to care for her family, she is at a distinct disadvantage financially... she will probably not catch up to where she would be if she had never married and had children... Alimony seeks to compensate her and more so their children for the sacrifices she made...
My neighbor that lives to the right had twins at 40. She took 10 years off and went back to work with a schedule that allowed her to be home for her kids. She is making over a 100K again. When her first M ended, she paid her H alimony.
My neighbor in front. Got pregnant in high school. Mother is a drug addict- hasn't seen her in years. Has two boys. She and her H have high school diplomas. She worked a couple of years while her MIL took care of the kids. They moved here. She took 10 years off. Her first job when she went back was as an assistant to Charlie Bell - the CEO at McDonalds that died suddenly of cancer. I am sure her income is close to 6 figures - if not over. Her H was recently laid off. She is carrying things financially - it is not cheap paying the mortgage where I live and they own a large beemer.
CEO of Pepsi Cola. Left her job as CEO to raise kids for about 10 years. She went back to work as a CEO at Pepsi Cola. Her H left her. I imagine that 50% was quite a chuck of change - and add alimony...I understand he is doing quite well. You can google this one. No idea what her income is - probably can look it up - it should be a public record.
Patent GF. Worked at a large law firm. Left to raise her kids. She works 3 days a week - mostly when the kids are asleep and early in the morning. She wants to make sure when she returns to work she can pick up where she left off.
Cardiologist's W is a partner at a large law firm in Chicago. She works from home. She has a nine year old from a first M and a baby that is a year old. She works part time and mostly late at night, early mornings - and when the baby sleeps. She is probably making close to 500k/year.
Emailing Man's W has three kids. Just had baby number 3 a year ago when she was 42. She is an employment attorney. She left the large firn environment when she had kids. She works out of her home parttime to stay in touch with the developments in her career so she can go back full time when the kids are older. She is probably pulling in 100k a year.
Not all women that take time off from their careers are finished professionally. It depends on the individual. And not every woman has the capacity to get the degrees and/or experience necessary to make it professionally. Lots of people make a lot less than 100k after working for over 20 years. If you manage your education and/or career smartly - you can have you cake and eat it too. That is what I plan on doing. The key is planning ahead.
Well if these people actually exist they were lucky enough to have a choice in what they wanted to do with their lives. I'm sorry that you begrudge those of us that have that luxury.
I'm sure it's hard to have to do what you do because you have no other options!
Well if these people actually exist they were lucky enough to have a choice in what they wanted to do with their lives.
You have my contact information. Give me a call. I will set up conference calls with the neighbors and friends I have listed above.
My life is all about choices. I take full responsibility for the decisions I have made in my life and the consequences of those decisions - including the one to M The X. My decisions are not always right - but they are my own.
The original plan was to have two kids by the time I was 40. Well things did not quit work out that way. It is not the path that I expected - but I have no regrets. It really doesn't matter to me if my children are adopted or biological. And so I am about 10 years off the plan. I can handle that. Besides there are actually some pro's to being a geriatric mother.
Yes SAHM is work. And yes, spending all day with children without any other adults - I imagine can be tough. And without a doubt - there is no real time off. It is a 24/7 job. I disagree with the use of the word sacrifice. It is a choice to do a different job. Every single one of us give up the option of engaging in an alternative when we choose a certain path.
I get that the SAHM works hard. I just want recognition that those of us that work also work hard and stressful and exhausting. It is just different - apples and oranges.
As for alimony. It is my personal opinion - I don't agree with it. I am for spitting the assets acquired during the M 50/50. I am for child support. And if the alimony is necessary to support the children - well the solution IMHO is to change the laws to increase child support. The way the laws are today - The X was eligible for alimony. A man pulling in over 6 figures eligible for alimony after a 5 year M - there is something very wrong with this picture. I use some other forms of leverage to "dissuade him of that notion."
My other concern is that she is a WAW from a 20 year marriage that she's been wanting to get out of for 5 years, finally did it and has been D for 8 months, S for a little over 2 years.
She does not speak much of her ex. Which I take to mean a sign of healing.
Scooter,
That is a different sitch..... I personally would never want to be involved with any woman who could do this.... I do not care how much therapy she goes through.... These women have screwed up core values..... To me, these women have a high probability of walking out again.....
As for the "healing," I disagree. I think the very nature of WAWs is they "stuff" their feelings....... She wanted "out of M" for five years.... I do not buy that..... My WAW said she wanted out for three..... Why didn't they tell their H's about their issues? I think it is simply a convenient way to "justify" their actions.... I think most people who "get it" see right through that..... In the end, it is someone simply looking for an excuse they think people will buy..........
So, this woman may take two to five years after the D to really have it "sink in"..... She is just starting this period.....
I would step back and look at this R.... If you are serious about her, spend the money to going to couple's counseling to be sure she understands your R, what you expect from her and ask in that setting how she feels about her exH..... It could be she simply only cares about herself..... Hence, she feels no pain from D.....
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/22/0803:40 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
