(BTW, that post from alexjames was spectacular and accurate).
AZdoc68, thank you
Lost I hope I didn't chase you away, or I do hope I chased you away and back into fighting for your marriage! I hope you & your husband are doing the work you should have done
"better late than never"
WAW 32 ME 38 D11, S9 & D2 Together 10/96 Married 4/2000 Bomb 4/2006 PA1 9/2006 PA2 11/2006 I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!
Hi Lost there are always two sides to a coin or a LBS & WAW.
Actions of others can precede one's feelings, especially when those who are cared about & trusted, take actions perceived as thoughtless, disrepectful, and controlling. One partner's actions affects the other.
The thoughts that arise because of those feelings & the actions one takes to act on those thoughts are one's choices and one needs to assume responsibility for them.
Accepting responsibility for those choices, does not negate the actions of the others however, that started the process towards that choice. If they choose not to take responsibility for their action & role in affecting their partner, that is their choice, their partner can not 'make them'.
Both partners make choices in the marriage. An affair is a symptom, of problems in a M, not the thing that causes the problem. It does create other problems, though.
How are things with you today? Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Everhope, in response to your question - yes, H knows about OM. I've been truthful with him about that situation. At this point, lies are useless. H doesn't understand (how could anyone?) but he accepts the situation and we're working at remedying it...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I'm in your H situation and like you my wife has been totally honest. You are getting such great advice already. I suppose from a my point of view - men tend to be a bit slow at getting it but once they do they are formidable at doing what needs to be done - well i know i am.
Work on your marriage - say in a years time of working you are at a brick wall then give up. If the OM is serious then a years waiting for you will be nothing for him.
Am getting ready for a mini-vacation with H. We are going to Indianapolis for a few days to attend a Jimmy Buffett concert, which we have done religiously for the past few years. It's something we've always had fun doing together and saw no reason to not do it this year just because of the current situation. I'm looking forward to it and to spending time with H. Hoping that the one-on-one time will allow me to focus on getting back some of those missing feelings that I discussed in an earlier post...
In other news, I gave H the go-ahead to schedule our first MC session, which he did. (Aug. 1) I'm a little nervous because I'm not sure what to expect but I'm hoping it goes well... At this point, even if it's not a miracle cure for the M, I'm hoping it will at least provide me with enough insight to figure out what it is that I really want in life...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Hi lost enjoy yourself. having lowered expectations of both the MC & the mini-vacation might not give you a 'let down' when they aren't met & a pleasant 'pick me up' when they are! Does that make sense?
Just an FYI..the first MC is a getting to know you, him & the sitch. Be prepared to be asked by the MC if there is an OM.
We're still here for you! Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
You want someone to make you happy & keep you there, which is an impossible feat, you are looking for that special feeling that you get from a loving father that really loves, honor & respects his daughter. (Or you are a "love feeling junkie" who must have that constant dose of the endorphin rush from feeling in love, which will lead to the same ending)
(Imagine being the sole person responsible for someone's happiness, forever, scary huh, yet you expect your husband to do this?)
This was or is lacking in your relationship with your father. Since you placed your husband in that role & he was unable to fulfill that role. Because he couldn't do the job, (an impossible one I might add) you are done with him because in your mind he is lacking & was not able to fill that void. So now you are leaving him to find a person to fill that void. The sad part is you are the only person, who can fill that void, and instead of you finding out what it is & how you got the void, you are running away from what has happen to you when you were a child. That anger you have about your life you are now projecting upon your husband & allowing yourself to blame him as the sole reason for your unhappiness.
Not realizing your actions if you continue to this course you will leave a wave of broken hearts & this happiness you are looking for will never be found
Most women who have father issues (when they get married) expect their husband to fulfill the emptiness that was left vacant by a troubled past w/ their father.
What you want to hear is this "you tried, your husband wasn't able to fulfill you needs (or doesn't love you)" so move on find someone who or OM is your true soul mate, end your inept marriage and move on to greener pastures!
Life doesn't work like that; this is the time you need to find Lost3031 so you can become Found3031 & then relationship will become easier, also if you stay married (which is entirely up to you) you must remember this whole time w/ your husband & that he didn't quit, so if he hits MLC or whatever issues he has he will need you to be strong & not give up on him, humans are flawed & emotional from the moment we were created we have always been making bad decisions, from Adam & Eve (the fruit of knowledge) to Our situation in Iraq
If you are not happy with yourself no one else could be happy with you either
The happiness we are all searching for is within our selves
Last edited by alexjadams; 07/29/0802:01 PM.
WAW 32 ME 38 D11, S9 & D2 Together 10/96 Married 4/2000 Bomb 4/2006 PA1 9/2006 PA2 11/2006 I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!
[/quote]If you are not happy with yourself no one else could be happy with you either
The happiness we are all searching for is within our selves[quote]
Wise words, alexjadams. I've heard them thousands of times over the last few months and I know they are true. Most of the time I try to keep them in the forefront of my mind but it is just so easy to let others get you down and make you unhappy. I try to think of this time that I am apart from H as the time that I need to become, as you put it, Found3031. Somedays I think I am really getting there. Other days, not so much...
I'm not sure I really buy into the whole "father" aspect of your post. True, I'm not close to my father and never really have been, but I'm not one to put all the blame on my parents for all of my shortcomings and the mistakes I make in life. Still, food for thought...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Bridgestone, just got back from the mini-vacation with H. Overall, things went well. We got along as fabulously as we always do and enjoyed the concert. I tried to take your advice and have lowered expectations about our time together but I confess that I hoped that, miraculously, all of those feelings would come rushing back to me in three days. So of course, when they didn't (and believe me, I tried to make myself feel them) I felt terribly sad. When I'm with H, I still feel comfortable and safe. It still feels natural to hold his hand as we walk through a store and to kiss him goodnight. Yet it seems like lately I view him as my best friend (which he always has been) instead of my husband. When he was telling me a story about trying to get one of his friends to convince a woman to call him (my H), I didn't get jealous. Since I left, the very thought of another woman being with my H has felt like a knife in the heart (I know, how hypocritical for someone like me) but this time we actually joked about it. For the first time, I didn't cry when I left him to return to my apartment. This concerns me a lot. What am I doing wrong here? I thought spending more time with H was supposed to bring back the feelings, not make them disappear more! Is this just a natural part of the process? Or am I just trying to hard to force something that will only come in its own time?
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
