It's been an interesting weekend. It was my e-mail list's annual BBQ. I've been looking forward to this BBQ for a year. Friends from around the world and around the country converge about an hour away for 4 days of revelry and catching up.
MIL got into town on Wednesday. In addition to her Mom being in town and watching the kids for my BBQ, W was also moving to new place as she couldn't afford where she was living. It made for a stressful and busy weekend for her.
Thursday night BBQ starts. MIL and W are tag teaming watching the kids. More fun ensues. I'm not able to be completely in the present at the BBQ as I'm wondering what interesting things are going on at home. Finally, last night, I get a taste of what has been the discussions at home.
Apparently, no parenting has been going on for the last three months. Yes, I'm not yelling at the kids as much since I never spend any time with them. I get home from work and jump on the computer or stuff my face into a book. I've been negligent in making sure that the kids have all of their medications. There is no food in the house, they don't eat green vegetables, the laundry is behind, and the kids have no clothes to wear because I've been spending all my money on new clothes and going out. Oh, and I haven't found out about school for next year, the carpets are filthy, did I inform the management company about the warped floorboards from the leak in the water filter to the refrigerator, the kids are watching too many movies and are left alone in dangerous situations. S8 is sleeping on the floor because there is a problem with his bed and D5 isn't brushing her teeth well enough.
No actual parenting is going on.
Deep breath. Again.
Wow. I expect it from W, but, from the kids too? That bites. It's all true. In part. As I said, it's been a busy month.
Are there days when all I can manage is to get some food into the kids and put them to bed? Yes. Do the kids need new clothes, green veggies, more time with Dad and less time in front of the tv? Yes. Has all the money been spent on a new wardrobe for Dad and for Dad going out? Perhaps some, but, most of it went to W to pay the rent on her place so that she didn't have to move back home. I didn't want her to move home. I can only imagine the resentment that would have engendered.
I've got to say that there is a small part of me that wants to turn my back on them all and just walk away. What a feeling to have on the heels of personal revelation. I was reflecting that I bear this burden of hurt and loneliness knowing that I can alleviate it. I bear it because to do otherwise is to precipitate a D and to make my kids the recipient of earth shattering pain and hurt that I can still remember. What kind of man would I be if I did that? I don't know, but, apparently, I'm a pretty worthless father already. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Ha.
I'm still having an amazing life. Each day is an amazing day. This is a hard thing to deal with. W spent the last 2 nights at the house and even though I was up and gone early, I could still see and feel her presence.
