Hi you are allowed to vent frustrations but your wording is insulting him and reflects that you don't think much of his character nor do you admire him. That is called Stinkin Thinkin.
Hi I just read the rest of your post. Sorry I'm going fast because my computer is still down and I'm on a timed one.
I think you are doing great and much improvements but understand the difference between venting about something he is doing that is frustrating and talking to us about him in a way that is insulting him. Like calling him a child and saying he is not capable of owning a home. And some of the sarcasm like "drinking apparently" when you really don't know that.
I'm going to try to find an article I read and post it to you.
The spin you put on things impact EVERYTHING.. seriously.. Watch this..
Rob is a spontaneous guy so full of fun and laughter. He makes me laugh till I pee my pants. He can find the fun in almost anything. He is truly young at heart. Rob is also a hard worker that provides for our family, we've never truly gone without any needs or even wants with him watching out for our welfare. I admire his strong work ethic and don't think I could ever measure up to it on my best day. Rob also smells so good all the time, he smells like soap and wonderful cologne, I don't think there is a cleaner man alive. I love to take in his scent when I climb in bed at night. He is a sexy beast that loves me every minute of the day. Any time, anywhere. He is willing to have sex at the drop of a hat and he's very attentive to my needs.
Ok, here's the same 'qualities' in a different spin.
Rob can never be serious or stick to the schedule, he is constantly laughing and cutting up when there is so much to be done. He can't be serious with ANYTHING. Rob is so engrossed in his job that he can't even take a day off when he is sick. We have everything we could ever want so why must he spend so much time at work? Why can't he take a day off to be with me and the kids? I would never want to be that possessed with my job. Rob can't ever get 'dirty'.. he must be sparkling clean at all times, never mind we are late every where we go with his constant primping to smell 'just so', he even smells so strong at night when I climb into bed that I can't get away from it. He wants to have sex constantly, he doesn't care where we are and I can't believe he would touch me in public so that people KNOW he is horny. He drags things out when we make love, c'mon sometimes I just want to have sex and get it over with.. must we drag it out EVERY time? I wish he would just grow up!"
Thanks for the reminder. You're right that I need to be more aware of my thought patterns. The one thing I did want to mention is that the comment about "out drinking apparently" were actually his words. I had asked him if he had thought about what I had said and then he said "I was too busy drinking" so it was a little sarcastic on my part when I posted it but at the same time almost exactly what he told me in the first place. But the moral is true. I need to watch what I say just as much as how I think. If not more so. . .It's just so hard sometimes when I get upset and want to freak out!
I have been thinking about this whole house thing and I realize that he is capable of having a house and taking care of the bills. He is smart and has never had any financial troubles. At times he has made questionable choices that left us in trouble but he always found a way to work it out. I need to remember that just because I do not agree with his choices does not automatically make them bad choices on his part. I need to drop the "my way or the highway" attitude I have and to stop thinking that everything I think is better than how he thinks.
Sigh.
It's such a big project. Tell me that it gets easier?
I'm still nervous about counseling in a couple of days. I really want to come across the right way. He is taking baby steps in my direction and right now I need to be crazy careful so that I do not scare him away. . .for good.
Thanks for the reminder/encouragment Tink! As always I appreciate you and all your help and advice!
Much better! That's really good thinking now, about him being capable. As far as the therapy, spend most of the time listening and do very little talking, is my suggestion. Also you can take that opportunity to maybe say something like "I would like to apologize to you for disrespecting you in any way that I did. I've done a lot of thinking and realize that you are much more capable and responsible than I gave you credit for. And I just wanted you to know."
So counseling went well. . .not sure why I got myself so worked up about it. I seriously thought I was going to throw up yesterday morning because of my nerves.
We both liked the counselor (which is half the battle from what I have been hearing) and are planning to go back again. There were a few moments where it was awkward but I did (IMHO) a really good job of listening and not interupting him when he was talking. I did acknowledge my previous disrespect and apologized. The counselor could see (like 20 minutes in) that my husband is on the fence. He is not commited to the relationship but he is not commited to leaving it either. My husband agreed. So that is a good sign.
Anyways we ended up talking for about an hour after the session and were trying to make plans to get together because the counselor told us that we need to be seeing each other on a regular basis if we are going to work things out and see if we are interested in making things work. We were going to get together last night but it did not work out because my husband was moving that day and I had to pick some friends up at the airport late that night and had to be up early this morning for a hair appt. However he did text me a lot and seemed really determined to figure it out. He said he would call me later today with his new schedual for work.
Then last night at like 12:30 he texted me to let me know he was done cleaning and was all moved out. I told him good job and thanked him for taking care of everything and he came back saying it was really for his benefit (to collect the refund check from the managers at the apartment) and I said that I knew that but that I really did appreciate his efforts and that he took care of it on his own. He finally said your welcome. It kind of showed me something. . .I have not really been sincere in my appreciation of him. He was so skeptical about me saying thank you! I ended the conversation by telling him goodnight and he wrote back goodnight.
He is working late tonight so it will probably be a day or two before we actually get together but wow! It feels like a LOT of ground was covered and a lot of bridges crossed in just a couple of hours. Never before was he writing me texts about anything he was doing. Then last night BAM! texts all over the place and late at night too when I am sure he just wanted to get home but he took the time to write me and include me.
There is still a long road to travel but at least we are on the right road! He already agreed to go to the next session which would be a one on one with the therapist and then I will have a one on one after that.
I am probably getting to hyped about this but I can't help it! It just feels good to talk to him and be around him. The next goal is to reestablish a physical connection (which used to be our biggest thing when we were dating) I personally am not making any moves. Yesterday I did flirt a little and would touch his arm or stomach but nothing over the top and nothing "pursuing." I just think it will mean a lot more to have him reach out to me and have him pursue me a little bit rather than me chasing him again. I don't know how long that will take but I am trying to remain as patient as possible.
Oh have fun! Just relax, enjoy, like it's a first date and if he mentions the relationship or marriage or divorce try to bite your tongue and don't get sucked in to discussing it. Or do it in a pleasant way and get things back to focusing on the fun date.
Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. A LOT has happened. Hang on to your hat!
Okay so Tuesday. . .date night. Overall I think things went well. I was heading down to meet him after he got off work and got stuck in traffic. I called to let him know I was going to be late getting to the restaurant and he offered to meet me in another spot so he could show me the back way. Anyways we meet up and take both cars to the restaurant and go inside. No physical contact or anything. A hello at best. Awkward! Anyways dinner is going fine. A little slow in conversation. I got frustrated because I felt like I was the driving force behind the conversation. I wanted him to do most of the talking but it was hard because he was not offering a lot of information and I had to keep asking questions to keep things moving along. It went well though I think. The bill came and we both paid our seperate tabs. I think he was expecting to pay for my dinner too but I already had my card out. I don't know. It was a date but not a date date.
We went outside and kinda stood around by the cars and I told him I didn't drive all the way there just for dinner and he was like well what else do you wanna do. He suggested a movie so we both went in my car and went up the street to see when the next showing was starting. We had about a half an hour to wait so he bought our tickets and we waited in the hallway for awhile and talked. Again a little awkward but getting better.
We went in and found some seats. It was kinda uncomfortable because we were so close and yet not together if that makes any sense. All through the movie we were trying to get comfortable. Our legs were touching on one side but that could have been friend classified. Eventually he laid his arm over the side to rest on my leg and I (out of habit) started to rub his wrist. He didn't pull back. I got butterflies. . .
Through the movie we kept increasing the physical connection and eventually ended up holding hands in his lap. I was so excited but at the same time I didn't want to show it and risk spooking him.
After the movie we went outside and we went to my car to "figure out what to do next." He got in the car and we ended up just sitting and talking for a long time. It was pretty late by this time and so there was nowhere else to really go and it was getting cold outside. The conversation was going better until the topic of flirting got brought up. Ugh. I won't even go into it right now but it started a mini-argument. However I stated my case and then told him I was going to drop it and move on and not let it ruin the evening. He seemed surprised but I did. Shut my mouth and kept it that way. We continued talking and eventually the conversation wound itself to sex. . .he mentioned that he wanted to. I said "you haven't even tried to kiss me" he shrugged but in a blur we were suddenly all over each other. As I said in my last post. . .this was not our area of concern when we were dating. If nothing else it the glue that held us together.
We stopped messing around after awhile and both expressed frustration that we had nowhere to go to finish what we started. I'm staying with my parents and well let's just not go there. Too complicated and awkward. He is sleeping on a couch at a friends family's house so that also a no go. I made the comment "it's funny how we separated to get away from each other and now we are looking for a place to go to be together again" he smiled. Good sign? Who knows.
Needless to say we found a way and had a very passionate exchange that was beyond words. Stupidly my brain switched back into "ILY" mode and it was all I could do to not blurt it out. I was a good LRTer though and kept my mouth shut.
And it's a good thing because all hell broke loose about ten minutes afterwards. It was not 1:30 in the morning and we both had work the next morning so we pulled ourselves together and got ready to leave. And when I went to say goodbye I expected (dangerous) a kiss and a hug and a smile. I was not looking for an ILY or a "take me back." However he pulled away completly and was very stormy all of a sudden. I was like WTF? We just ML and then you pull away and won't even give me a kiss? We argued a little about it. He told me that he didn't want this used against him and I asked him what he meant. Bottom line he was saying that he didn't want me to read too much into it. I told him not to treat me like a booty call and then drove away.
Oy vey.
So since then it has been a rollarcoaster. The next day he is acting flirty through texts and when I ask him if he wants to get together again he says he is having a bad day and that it was not a good time to ask. He did say that he had a good time until the end though. Not that we argued but that things were left in an awkward way. "I had a decent time until the end" I agreed and said we would need to talk about the subject before the next time. He agreed. I think he doesn't want to admit to having a good time because he is scared of getting back together.
Anyways the next day we talk and he is pulling away I get upset and we talk on the phone for awhile. I was trying to get everything sorted out before my counseling session so I could explain what happened to my T. He couldn't talk long and I got more upset. Later on I texted him and asked if he was mad at me. He said no. I told him I was sorry for getting so upset. He said he he forgave me and that it was okay. We flirted a little back and forth (which I find interesting that he was texting me all night when he was with his friends. Normally he is like "leave me alone")
Then yesterday the rollarcoaster flew back down again. I was talking about my b-day plans (Monday) and was kind of hinting around that I had room in my day for him if he was interested. He said we could hang out if I would pick the activities I said fine. He said ok. . .if we get together. I asked him when he would let me know and he said soon. Whatever that means. I asked him later and he said "don't push it". I said "I'm not trying to push you. It's my birthday and I am going to go out and have fun with or without you. I would rather be with you though." Which I thought was very GAL of me. He said "what would people think" and I said "who cares? Since when do you care about what other people think?" he said "I don't know" I said " we can be alone and have fun but I need to know soon so I can make other plans" he said "if you have other plans don't hesitate" So I made my other plans (I'm getting my first tattoo) and told him I wasn't going to bug him anymore about it. He said he would be more inclined to get together if his counseling was on the same day but he had not heard back from out T yet. So who knows.
This morning I made my other plans with friends and then texted him to let him know that I could hang out in the early evening and that I wanted to go to dinner and then play mini golf or something goofy and fun like that. To which he has yet to reply. . .
Oh! In the midst of all this madness I also had my one on one session with my therapist and we talked about our background and what I need to see change. Blah blah blah. The T agrees that the things I am asking for in the relationship are not unreasonable but that my husband was never raised following these rules and has no idea what to so. So while he says there is hope and that he will do everything he can to help us get back together the ball in firmly planted in my husbands court. . .
So now I am stuck again.
Some days (like the last three!) I feel like I am going crazy. I was doing fine on my own until I saw my husband again at counseling and then for our date. We have been talking so much (which is good) but I was nice and detached (at least compared to this) and now my whole world has been flipped upside down again and I feel my sanity slowly slipping away.
I'm back in the mindset of "damn I love him" and yet "I hate him for doing this to me" all at the same time. Seeing him and touching him and ML with him is too much for my fragile little heart right now. It makes me feel desperate again and depressed a little. Like "I don't want to move on with my life until I have him" one minute and the next "screw him! Protect yourself" the next.
I feel vulnerable and scared and I have this compulsion to text him and call him 24 hours a day. I have been resisting thus far (while I wait for his reply) but it's so hard! Not like I have anything productive to say. I just want to hear his voice and know he is thinking about me if only for that brief moment
Hold the phone! He just texted me. He says we can meet for dinner and whatever on Monday. . .
