Losing, in a curious way, is winning.

[Continuing]

Hey BStone!

Ignorance is not being aware of something, but having the capacity to learn it.

Stupidity is being aware of it, but not having the capacity to learn it.

Hmmm, I've been thinking about this...

I think we all have ways of defending against anxeity and pain. And we can use both tatics as defences; either ignorace or stupidity, to use your words. But I guess what I see as most important is that, in my mind, neither is completely intentional. I think people are unaware, for the most part, of how they avoid what causes them to be anxious (otherwise the defense really wouldn't be working).

Looking at it this way allows me to have some empathy for them along with anger or whatever else is there in me.

For instance, when a person doesn't not do even little things for someone else that they otherwise love, there is a reason for this. I don't think they are just being spiteful, that may be there too, but there is a deeper reason. For someone to avoid doing things as simple as taking about the trash...or getting coffee, I think thats indicative of how deep-seated this underlying issue is; say control and their fear of being out of control and how highly distressing that is for them.

Needless to say it takes a long time for people to become aware of and deal with these issues. It takes a long time for their defences to be broken and for them to change and become a more complete, integrated, self-aware person.

I guess that where the patience, grace, and understanding come in with relationships.

I don't know if that makes any sense, just some thoughts that I was having.

Hang in there, it took me a long time before I could really see what I was doing in my relationship (and I'm still working on it), and this was from a person who thought they really wanted to and was willing!!

By the way, if you could take a look at my sitch and offer your insights, I'd be grateful. My wife, sadly, looks like she is walking away....


B