My wife Rosalie and I have been married for 18 years, been together for 25. Met unfortunately through an EA. Our marriage has been rough and deteriorating since late 2005. She would frequently accuse me of EA and drop complaints about failure to talk to her, go places, plan things, help around house. My eye had wandered once prior to marriage, once in early 90s, and once in 2001, but never went beyond trading innuendo with OW. Then in 2002, I decided that I needed to stop this, because I knew I loved my wife. Returned to church and started working on changing. Wife happy, and overheard her say so to other people.
By 2006, I was wondering if there was something going on with Rose and that she was doing things to irritate or fight me. She made it overt in mid-2007, and I started responding back in anger. Since I'm aware that anger is dangerous, I tried to control it by refusing to speak to her when I was angry, waiting until I had calmed down. But there was other things, like her saying "Yes, massa" to me or walking a few steps behind me in public. The back-and-forth between us became more frequent until June 10, when I got a lecture from her youngest daughter (by 1st marriage) about my shortcomings in computer work. When I got home, I complained about it to Rose; she stood up for daughter. The next morning before work, daughter called to complain directly to Rose; Rose also started blaming me for that and for things going wrong around our house and in our life and again charging me with playing around. That night, she renewed her tirade, yelling and higher-pitched. I snapped and let my anger go, telling her "I want you out of this house!" She said "Well, finally! It only took me 2 years of pressuring you to finally get you to commit!" She then admitted she already had an attorney, then spent the next 4 days calling him, friends, and relatives in the bathroom with door closed or outdoors, as well as sorting possessions.
On 16th of June, thought she had already moved out to stay somewhere else, coming back to pick up rest of her belongings when I was at work the next day. I couldn't find memorabilia given to me by my step-grandchildren, so I wanted it back and changed front door lock so that she couldn't get in w/out me being there to bargain with her for those things. She came back later that night. I didn't let her in because it looked like she had a strong-arm with her to help move, so she got police office, who told me to let her in. When she came in with him, she launched into a vehement tirade of accusations and lies. I'd never seen nor heard her like that at any time in our lives together. She denied taking the memorabilia. She insinuated that I might cause her physical harm, so the officer told her she would have to go stay with family or friends and that she was not to remove anything from the apartment w/out me present. I know she had wanted to stay and have me sent out, but she didn't get that. The next day, I changed the lock back and later found all the things that were missing, too late to apologize to her.
The first night alone was enough for me to reflect. I first got the reminder again that I still loved her. And then I started to see all the things that had led to this. My command of leaving was only the icing on the cake and what she was waiting for. But she'd had enough of my constant anger for the past 3 years, my extreme selfishness, my belittling (although I can only think of 2 times I'd done that), my reckless ness with money, my controlling, domineering attitude, and my complete neglect of her because I had my hand in music & video production, computer building & repair, web publishing, and assorted other small projects. And since I didn't like her TV shows, I watched the TV in the bedroom or worked on the computer. And I was otherwise so tired, I just plopped into bed and slept. It was no wonder she felt neglected and abandoned, and had become fed up with all the mistreatment and the emotional abuse. And worse, I was supposed to be a Christian and had done all these things in spite of knowing what the Bible said about them.
I started anger management counseling almost immediately. I went to our senior pastor, admitted my faults and the event, then asked for help. He got me involved with a marriage intervention counseling couple, to meet once weekly. Plus, I started a one-on-one spiritual growth for men counseling with the pastor, based on the book Tender Warrior by Stu Weber. I was then encouraged to write Rose a letter, which the pastor reviewed and approved and told me to send. Since she had not left an address and had not let me have any info as to where she was, I had to send the letter to her lawyer and ask him to forward. No response. That was the last week of June.
She has now moved out of the town in which she lived nearly all of her life, and abandoned the church we attended, even though it has an early and late service. All this to avoid me. As of 10 July, I wrote her another letter, got it approved, then sent to her lawyer. No response. Then the court order and divorce papers arrived in the mail on July 15. And yesterday, I found a letter in my mailbox with familiar writing, but I could hardly believe it. I had excitement, opened it, then read. It was short.
"Ken-
I am trying to get on with my life -- what's left of it. I suggest you do the same.
- Rosalie"
Ever since that first night, I've greatly regretted all I've said and done, and my neglect of her, during these years that led to this. I've hated myself every day, remembering that I have lost the only person who has meant anything to me since 1983. I have trouble sleeping. On my best nights, I might get 5 hours; on the worst, 2. I really have no appetite and have eaten only a little bit for 5 days out of over a month. I was a musician, but the first day without her, I knew I could never play anything again because I'd lost my soul. I gave away all my guitars. I had hoped that I could work with the church and counseling to change and then prove it to her. After knowing her this long, though, she looks like she's determined. Her oldest daughter and son-in-law, a pilot for Northwest Airlines, in Minnesota have paid some of her expenses, including her attorney's retainer of $5,000. And I can't even afford the $2,00 mine wanted.
I'm just about ready to give up. She is all that I've ever wanted in a wife, and I meant to marry for life. She has been my life, my warmth, my comfort, my backbone, inspiration, my leaning post, and my home. I am lost without her. I know that I will love her forever, no matter what happens, and I will never want anyone else. I don't know what to do or where to go, because that letter is all I've gotten, and it stopped short of telling me point-blank to stop writing letters, but that's what it means.
Went to the Sex-Starved Wife forum and got a shock. Some real cold water was thrown in my face. Now, I have to admit that I did not have sex with my wife for 5 years. If you could see my face, I probably wouldn't have admitted it. I know some of the things that were going in in my life during those years, but not really sure what was responsible for my lack of desire, except that I was either angry or exhausted during the last 2 years.
After seeing how other women felt about their Hs' LD, I no longer have hope of seeing my W come back. In fact, there are signs that she is having a secret PA. And I cannot really blame her.
First of all eat. The worse thing you can do is not eat.
It sounds like your wife was planning this for some time. She was just trying to push you into a pit so that she could justify her actions. With that said, work on you.
Eat, sleep, and exercise. Force yourself.
Do not put the attention on her. Focus on you. Become the best mycroft69.
Get a life... GAL. It means to do activities that will make you feel better about yourself.
Page 244 of Divorce Remedy. Writing letters to your wife didn't work. Scratch that off your list.
DO NOT ASK FAMILY MEMEBERS FOR HELP.
Be yourself. Be still, be calm. Be patient. Having patience is an understatement.
In the future you have interactions. Make sure everyone of them are as positive as possible. Validate feelings. Sorry you feel that way. It was not my intention in hurting you.
There is a term used on this board called MAN UP! It means pull up your boot straps and hang on. You are fighting for your marriage, and that says a tremendous amount about your charecter.
You are going to have to clear your mind. Let yourself grieve. Then get to work.
You have to be nice without giving in. (repeat that 10x)
Pray and intesify your prayer.
Do not believe this!
Quote:
"I am trying to get on with my life -- what's left of it. I suggest you do the same.
You are most likely not the cause of ruining her life, but they will focus on that. They will justify their actions by saying things to this nature. Do not believe it.
Good luck and God speed. I will be praying for you buddy.
Just read your message, LostPhil. I was giving up hope of seeing anything, when this thread was on WAW. Even here, at first. You don't know what it means to me to see your reply. I'm at work now, and almost in tears. My friends and fellow church-goers don't seem to understand what's going on with me (not that I really do). It's a relief to hear from someone who does. I have no relatives of my own in this county. Mine are one county south of this town. So, I've turned to some of her sisters and brothers for at least a "reaffirmed family connection," thinking they'd refuse to communicate with me because of Rose. From what you say, it sounds like that's not a good idea.
No one knows how empty it is in my apartment without her there. Or in the car. Or my life. I just feel so destitute and only partly here, like I've lost an arm or leg...but more than either.
Haven't visited the link you posted, but will; tnx. 3 weeks ago, read a list of emotional and verbal abuse descriptions posted on either Focus on the Family or Family Life, and was feeling more and more disheartened. Except where it mentione that the abuser may or could threaten pets or kill them. That was the only bright spot, because my wife's parakeet was extremely and terminally ill last summer and I did everything I could -- did not even allow money to be an object -- to save his life. But poor Buddy kept getting worse and died on January 31 this year.
You are not going to know what is going on with you for some time. I know what you mean by the fact that you feel like you lost an arm or leg.
In my condition I felt like it would have been easier if my wife would have just died. At least there would have been answers. She's never coming back.
Please still talk to your SIL and BIL but do not ask them for help with her. Blood is thicker than water. Do not try and make your wife look bad to them. They will believe your wife over what you say everytime. Keep your conversation with them about other things than your wife. Keep the connection but detached about her.
You and only know when to give up. Your fellow church goers just see that you are in pain, and they listen to your side of the story. They want you out of that pain. Ask them to just support you.
You need to get some vitamin B6 and C in you. Fortified eggs, fish, and peanut butter. But not in that order.
I lived on peanut butter for 3 months...
Get yourself a copy of The Divorce Remedy. The first 80 pages will help you tremendously. Look I couldn't even function. I was a blob. It took me about four months to get over the fact that she was leaving. Then I got better thinking she wasn't going to leave. Then in the six month she left. I went back down the pit, but I kept eating this time.
The siblings thing again. Do not complain to them about your wife. (Repeat 10x) Write it down!
Only come to these boards once or twice a day. Don't try to read other people's situations. It will make you feel worse. In some cases it may make you feel better. There is always someone in a worse situation than you are.
In some cases you may be lucky that you don't have any contact with your wife. This is called going dark. Do not persue her. Do not stalk her. Do not attempt to contact her. Do not attempt to find out were she is. Do not send letters to her lawyer.
Let her realise she may have made a mistake by leaving.
When she contacts you. Do not ignore her. Answer her questions in a thoughtful caring manner. Think fast, talk slowly. Ask yourself. Is my response going to bring me closer to my goal or push it further away.
The only thing you can control is you. Work on you.
First thing after eating. You need to reflect on what you can do to change yourself. Obviously you have done stuff in the marriage that wasn't good. None of us are perfect. Even those of us who try to be perfect get trapped by being provoked.
You need to change because you don't want to take the bad with you. Regardless of the outcome you don't want to repeat this process again. Your ultimate goal is for her to reconcile with you. Those changes you make might make them happen. It may not, but you will be a better person.
Try to think what your wives key complaints were. I know she said you breathed her air. Did you leave wet towels around? Sox? Whatever it is? You didn't shave right... etc...
Get the guitar back out. I play too. Believe me I became a great musician after she dropped the bomb. You didn't lose your soul, it is coming out. It will come out of your fingertips if you let it on that guitar. Trust me it works for me. I have played all my life. Played for the church folk group. I never played better since she dropped the bomb.
What is your first goal? Would you like your wife to contact you, tell you were she is at, and let you know that she is alright.
Second goal? You would like your wife to at least communicate with you in some manner.
This is excellent advice you've been given by Phil. I agree with all of it -- good stuff! -- except:
Quote:
Only come to these boards once or twice a day. Don't try to read other people's situations. It will make you feel worse. In some cases it may make you feel better. There is always someone in a worse situation than you are.
Most posters find tremendous COMFORT in knowing that they're not alone, and that other people are going thru exactly what they are going thru. Also, you can learn a great deal from the successes (and the failures!) of the rest of us, and what has worked and NOT worked in our sitches.
But other than that quibbling, I'm with Phil -- esp. that you need to EAT. I had to force myself to at the beginning, but you need to keep your energy level up. Anti-depressants really helped me as well; you may want to ask your doctor about them.
The point about the boards is that if you get emeshed with them reading negative situation after negative situation and you do it all day. It is not going to help with the positive attitude.
Yes the boards will make you look at yourself and say Oh crap that is what I did wrong. Just don't live on the boards. Yes you will learn a great deal about yourself reading other people situations, but it you do it too much then you overload yourself.
I also advise against the use of anti depressants. I was taking Wellbutrin for a few days after about a month into bomb. They made me worse.
They may help. They may not. You may get a better result in exercising. I think this society is to prone to medicate, medicate, medicate. Everyone is running around on medication. Then when they do something wrong, they blame the medicaitons. They I forgot my medication. I took too much medication. I mixed my medication.
Exercise is a great stress reliever. Like puppy suggested speak with your doctor.
Also ask puppy for a prayer, he has some of the best I've seen.
