I'm still breathing. Just not handling this all the way I thought I would. I don't know how this is supposed to be done.
I sent H and e-mail yesterday saying he could see the kids if he wanted. There was no reply.
S9 called H twice. Both times S came to me and said "Dad said he might come over and watch the race with me." The second time I asked if he said when he might be over. S looked at me and said Dad didn't know----didn't know if it was o.k. I told him to call and tell him it was fine. H asked to talk to me. I tried to hold it together, but got emotional.
He did come over. He did some things with the kids. I invited him to stay for dinner, and he did. It was so awkward and scary, faced with him leaving for his home for the first time. He hugged me goodbye and thanked me for dinner.
I followed with a pretty lengthy letter. I guess I'm playing this all by ear. I'm learning a lot about myself, how I am handling this and looking at this.
It hit me yesterday that no matter what my feelings are, I can't let the kids get in the middle. I can't let them miss out on time with either of us. I will not let them think I won't let him see them when he wants. This is all about him needing space from me, and the kids should not have to suffer for that. My H is deeply troubled. His emotions are in turmoil. He is ill.
In my letter I told him how I felt about time with the kids. I told him that for now I cannot deal with scheduling time with OUR children. I told him I wanted to try to be "open" with this arrangement. I just can't deal with "my time," "his time" ...when they are OUR children. I told him that this was OUR house, and OUR things and he needed to take from it what he needs.
I told him that I've been angry, I've degraded myself to the point that I almost hate myself. I told him I've wallowed in self pity, but now I'm just sad. I'm sad that we are HERE. I'm sad that our kids are in the middle. I'm sad that we don't want the same thing. I told him I knew this was all his decision. I know he has some things that he has to deal with on his own time, and I will be here on the other side---no matter what that is. I also told him that I am not dellusional----I know that he is in control of the situation and I know that I could be waiting only to find that he really wants to end our marriage.
I told him that I think I know him better than he knows himself. Which I think is true. Saturday night when I made him talk I told him that he is a part of me. Unfortunately I went farther and actually told him I didn't feel complete anymore. How corny is that??? 29 years together.... Because I know him so well, I know what he must be going through in this situation. It's still hard to comprehend that he turned to OW, but I know what he must be feeling inside since he did.
No response from H about letter, or the other 6 or 7 e-mails I've sent over the past week. It's ok now. I just hope he is thinking, and not feeling pressured.
Not DBing. Just trying to breathe. Trying to live. Trying to be the person I always hoped to be. Learning about myself. Hurting for my children. Feeling the pain of my broken heart.
I know I will be o.k. I know I am only in control of me. I know that I need to live for myself and my kids. I can't stop hoping that H will choose us and his family, but I'm going to move forward as best I can.
Last edited by ThisCan'tBTheEnd; 07/21/0803:35 PM.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
(((di))) You have got to detach...for your own well being.
Quote:
No response from H about letter, or the other 6 or 7 e-mails I've sent over the past week. It's ok now. I just hope he is thinking, and not feeling pressured.
I believe everytime your H gets one of your emails, he probably feels a little sick inside and he may or may not read it. Every email is reminder of his responsibilities and what he can't handle...exactly what he is trying to escape from for the time being. You have to let him escape for now so he can heal. Have you ever had something that you just put off dealing with because you just didn't know how to handle it? That is what someone in MLC does but on a larger scale. They are avoiding. If a LBS is continually pushing to get answers or even just explain their feelings, it will more than likely produce the opposite result of what they are trying to achevieve. We keep telling you you need to stop the emails unless it is some "business" about the kids or financial matters. Think about what you are trying to accomplish with your email before you send it. Any email that is to address your thoughts or feelings, delete it before you send it. Your H can't deal with that now. You have to LET IT GO. Think about the fact that your email may doing the exact opposite of what you want it to... plus when you send an email to your H and he doesn't respond, doesn't that bother you? I know it would hurt me.
I typically do not initiate any contact with my H and it seems to be helping him and drawing him slowly toward me. What does that mean? I am not sure what we are doing but I think we are somehow rebuilding some kind of relationship and I think my H is feeling safe with me. You have kids with your H so for their sake you need to have the best possible relationship with your H. Please detach. Give him time and space to figure things out. Focus on the positives you do have and let go
Sorry if it sounds like I am coming down hard on you. I know you are doing whatever you can to make it through the day but if you can be more detached, things will get easier.
(((di))) I believe everytime your H gets one of your emails, he probably feels a little sick inside and he may or may not read it. Every email is reminder of his responsibilities and what he can't handle...exactly what he is trying to escape from for the time being.
This makes sense. I will try to keep quoting this to myself. However, I have not asked him to talk to me about his feelings in a long time. I know I've bombarded him with mine and I will focus and stop.
THanks for the strong hand!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
So, despite me telling H to not MAKE the kids call me to tell me goodnight, he did anyway. Maybe he thinks it's a nice gesture?? Just a reminder that they are not sleeping in my house.
When I talked with H Saturday night I told him again he could take the bunk beds from here for the kids to sleep on, as well as bedding, or anything else he wanted. He said he didn't want to "disrupt" anything at the house. I told him it's already disrupted, taking "things" would not make it worse. He at least agreed that they could bring their pillows/bedding, but tonight before he came to pick them up he told D15 that all they needed was clothes. I know, I know, I know, detach and forget about it-----but this means he's making "his place" THEIR place and it pisses me off! They are OUR kids. They are my LIFE. They are all I have---but now I don't have them at all---they are at "his place."
I remember a few months ago telling him that they were all I have. He said they were all he has too. I told him no, that he had a life, he has a job---the kids are my life, they are my job. He didn't respond. Now I just want to scream that you have OW----let me have the kids while you decide what you want............sorry, very rough night. Big house--empty, alone.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I can only imagine what you are going through. It is a hard transition...but one that eventually you might even learn to like. Find things that you enjoy yourself...or just try to enjoy the peace and quiet. Go out and have some fun with friends or just find a good book. Use this time to make your jewelry without disruption. You can even use the time the kids are gone to do your errands so when they are home, you can have more quality time with them. It may take awhile but you eventually will be able to find a different perspective on things if you let yourself.
Thanks Upside - I know it will get easier, which makes me even more sad. It's not supposed to be like this. I want my happier ever after........................
I know that I'll be able to do some things for me after I adjust, but for now I'm just going to have to fall apart. I am not in control.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
