Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[forward]

I agree. I've purposely omitted key details in my situation because I think it would be very hard for people to forgive H if they knew the details.

[new_attitude]

I agree with breton and snodderly. I haven't really told anyone the full details either, which made it easier when h decided to return.

[Mike85]

The difficulty I have is that we live in a small town. A *very* small town. hell, it's not even a town, it's a freaking village. And we've lived here for 20+ years, ingrained ourselves into the fabric of the community, are prominent members of a church, are involved in scouting, I was a teacher in a local district, etc. We are known, and known as a couple.

It would have been literally impossible to leave out the details of my wife's adultery, since she suddenly disappeared from events with me and began appearing at spots with "Barney Rubble." She just started showing up at places and events with her boyfriend and expected everyone to accept him as a different version of me. She was chagrined to find out that our community wasn't as "open-minded" as she had hoped. If that makes her less likely to reconcile, I can't control that. It is part of the consequences of her selfish actions.

I have made my desire to reconcile known to our friends and family, but I will not make excuses for her or dismiss her actions publicly as a "rough patch" in our relationship. That is dishonest and makes me a doormat. What she did and is doing is wrong by any measure, and she cannot reasonably expect to have people who knew/know us approve of what she is doing. She did not "make a mistake," she made a choice, and she must deal with some of the consequences of that choice (including public disapproval), because God knows that my children and I are dealing with them.

I'm moving on, making changes in my own life, and getting stronger. I hope and pray that my wife decides to return, which is part of the reason we're in counseling, but I'm not depending upon it, nor will I sacrifice my soul/dignity for it. We've made a point of establishing, continuing, and strengthening the friendship between us. Between the changes I try to keep making in my life, the work I'm putting into how my wife and I communicate, and making sure that my children's needs are met, my time is full. How members of my community choose to respond to my wife's behavior and her reactions to it are beyond my control and are not something on which I will spend energy.

Make no mistake - I want a reconciliation, but not an ANY cost.

[Mike85]

MIL e-mailed. Turns out that the recently-retired superintendent of my new district goes to their church. He heard great things about me and told MIL that the competition for the job I got was fierce, so I must be good. She assured him that I was and told him how proud she and FIL are of me. :-)

She also said that she's meeting up with wife Thursday. Said that wife sounded sad and lonely. I don't want to read anything into that, but who knows?

[Mike85]

Got a supportive call last night from a relative (first cousin). He and his wife went through a "rough patch" a few years ago when she threatened to walk out on him and their son unless "things changed." They both went through counseling (couples & individual) and are now stronger as a couple. At no point did his wife actually move out, nor were their OP on either side.

Because my cousin had survived his marital crisis, he offered to be another source of pats on the back and kicks to the rump.

Well, when he called last night, it was in response to hearing about my wife shacking up with OM. My cousin kept pressing me to state where I "draw the line." He kept insinuating that I was a doormat b/c I hadn't marched right down to an attorney (he's appalled that I haven't spoken to ANY attorney yet) and filed for divorce. I assured him that I'm doing things to protect my finances, have gone through old e-mails and text messages to construct a journal (just in case), etc., but that wife and I have been amicable, are working on maintaining a growing friendship, and that I still want eventual reconciliation. I tried explaining DB to him.

He politely replied with a "that's nice but..." and kept hammering on my needing an attorney. A good one, the more vicious the better. He told me to document every little late pickup and arrival of wife for kidswap. He told me to document the stuff I buy for the kids, the fun trips we take, the chauffeuring of my son to scouting and sporting events - to prove my being a good parent.

He insisted that the entire concept of being friends was ridiculous because of my wife's adultery and that we need to be "enemies and adversaries" first. He argued that we ARE currently adversaries but that I'm in denial. He's appalled that I'm "letting" wife share the kids when she's shacked up with OM. He's utterly convinced that because this attitude worked for him and his wife, that it's the ONLY way to go.

I promised him that I'd look into an attorney and keep journaling, but told him that I had no intention of "unleashing the hounds" on wife at this point. I told him that we have made progress and will keep working. He was skeptical and referred to DB as "cute" but unrealistic. If he wasn't my blood, I'd probably push him off to the side.

With regards to wife, she called to say son was sick (GI stuff), so she didn't send him to scout day camp today and will probably not send him to soccer tonight (gee, intestinal problems, hot weather, and running around don't mix?). Unfortunately, this means that she won't be at counseling with me today. That's OK - I want to hammer out some of my thought processes after taking with my cousin. Am I a doormat? Should I be more worried about legal stuff?

We spent easily half an hour on the phone, just talking and laughing. She asked about my (quite full) weekend. She told me about the fun with the kids, well...up until my son started feeling sick when they were out boating with friends. During the conversation I noticed what MIL did - wife sounded sad and lonely. I felt bad having to hang up on her, but I honestly had someplace I had to be. I told her that I'd see her tonight when she dropped the kids off.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

And how is your cousin's marriage, if you had to rate it in your mind? Something you aspire too?

[Mike85]

Jack:

To be honest, I don't know anything about my cousin's marriage, other than what he tells me. Therein, I believe, is the key. I see him once a year at a family reunion. We used to hang as kids, but that was over 20 years ago.

Our personalities are quite different - he's an ER doctor, in a rock band, does mountain biking, and is the bigger, bolder, broader personality in his marriage. His wife, OTOH, hardly says "boo." My cousin swears that their experiences made them a stronger couple, but that doesn't answer questions like: "What were you, as a couple, like prior to the crisis?" or "What were the major issues that led to the crisis?" or "HOW are you stronger?" Sure, they may be stronger now, according to him, but was the standard for comparison?

From the description of their crisis (she hounded him to change & pay more attention, and he ignored her until she had her bags packed), he was not dealing with a wife in MLC.

I've come to the conclusion that although I appreciate his concerns, that he and his wife are not me and my wife, that their issues are not OUR issues, and therefore that their solutions may not be OUR solutions.

It took a lot of my walking around the village today (it is a beautiful day) to sort a lot of this out. Thank goodness I've got a session with my counselor in about an hour...

[Mike85]

Back from counseling (with a side shopping trip thrown in).

Counselor was impressed by both my new job and increased social life. She touched on how I said that I was happy to be with friends that I hadn't seen in years (because wife didn't care for the "rustic" nature of the parties) and pointed out that I had sacrificed things for my wife that made me happy in the past. She was right. It felt good to reclaim some of what I gave up, and I've decided that I will keep those aspects of my life even if we reconcile.

She asked me WHY I made the changes I did, probably trying to see if I made them for me or to just prove something to my wife. I told her that honestly, I didn't want to sit at home and pine away, so I reached out to fill my time and my life. Ultimately, I realized, I did these things for me.

The counselor also asked the hard questions: "How long are you willing to wait for her?" "How will you know when you've had enough?" "Have you thought about what you will do IF she decides not to return?" She didn't expect me to answer them right then, but said that I seriously needed to think about those issues. She supports and encourages my DB efforts, but she pointed out that my wife is a variable that I cannot control or even predict right now.

I said that, for right now, I'm living my life (GAL!), spending great time with my children, valuing time with friends and family, and trying to be patient as wife works her way through her issues. I said that I keep reminding myself that I/we am/are SO early in the process, and that patience is key right now. But I also said -for the first time out loud- that I realize that I could live without my wife and that I know that I would move on, fall in love again, etc. It was weird to finally say it out loud. I love her and want her back...but I don't truly "need" her and my life won't fall apart without her. I do love her and want her back, but she has to be willing to work on our relationship. I don't know how long I'll wait. I really don't. I just know that I'm willing, right now, to be her friend, give her the support she needs, and work toward repairing our marriage.

[craig54]

Mike, nicely said, great attitude. you are way ahead of where i was at such a short time in.keep up the good work. patience, patience, patience, and love.

[Mike85]

Thanks craig.

Whenever I start to get impatient or frustrated, I remind myself that it has only been since May that she dropped the bomb, mid-June since she moved out, and the end of June since I got the OM bomb. Wife and OM are still in their "honeymoon" phase, and even then, cracks have appeared.

When wife was dropping off the kids off tonight, I loved seeing and hearing the interaction between her and my oldest son. It reminded me of how wonderful she was/is/can be. She couldn't stay as long as she usually does, but I still got the smile, the hug, and the kiss. And the kids for the next three days.

As you said, craig..."patience, patience, patience, and love."