Deep down I know my value, but when the one person who promised to love you turns his back on you it creates a teensy bit of reasonable doubt. I'm determined to stay strong. I don't know what I would do without all of you to help me through this. While at lunch with my friend yesterday, I told him about this site and the amazing, wise, gifted people I've come to know. He said he sure could've used it last year when he was going through the demise of his 17 year relationship.
I have read and will re-read your advice so I stay strong. I feel strong. I feel empowered. I wish I wouldn't have sent him that nice text, but I wanted to take the high road and show him that I am OK. Mistake. But I won't dwell on it.
Last night I found a journal entry I wrote on July 27, 2006: J and I are coming up on our 2nd anniversary. Things have been shakey and I'm wondering if we should seek the advice of a counselor. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm feeling like he can't stand to be around me. I've searched long and hard for what it is I could be doing that's so annoying or unenjoyable and I simply can't figure it out. OK, maybe I talk a little during the news, but it's not like the news doesn't replay the same damn story about 50 billion times. I just don't get it... There's definitely a communication breakdown happening and a lack of "closure" on a few situations. Marriage is hard work, but lately I feel like the only one willing to invest.
I am soooooo ready to move on to the next phase in my life.
He tried to initiate sex again last night. I told him to stop. I am divorcing him and there will be no more sex. There will be no more wife things from me. No more dinners. No more nothing. He simply said, "OK". He's the epitome of Sel-WHALE.
I have a doctor's appointment in an hour, will schedule an emergency C session ASAP and will talk to some lawyers. Time to take control of my future.
I love you guys.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
