OK, wondering if you could give me some perspective here.
Survived the Big D, wealth's was slashed but now it has built up again.
Been dating this lady for 6 months and the relationship has been very intense. Like we keep riding the peak of it all the time. Very passionate. Except for one thing.
She's starting to complain about money problems. Complains that her X doesn't pay child support, complains she never got enough money for this, not enough money for that. She hasn't asked me for money directly.
When I say directly, it's not like she's asking. More like, leaving the door open for me to volunteer some cash.
This behavior has surprised me as there was no evidence previously. Just started up in the last month.
Do I have a gold digger on my hands that I am heavily attracted to?
Don't necessarily think it's that bad. But it could be.
She may just be giving you a heads up of her financial situation so that if you ask her to do something, you know she doesn't have the resources to contribute. It'll be your treat.
Give this some time - she might just be hitting a rough patch. Unless it stands the hair up on the back of your neck, then it may be time to go.
You know how comfortable you feel with money stuff. She's not asking you for cash, so it really isn't your gig. Yet. Although from an issue of potential LTR you may want to pay attention.
I would personally look at this as her sharing her problems with you... She feels she can be vulnerable in that way with you...... Which is good....
I would just listen and pay careful attention to what she is saying...... If you feel like there is any ambiguity, please just ask her to clarify what she is saying...... Your misinterpretation could build a wall between the two of you....
Remember, communication is vital!
I wish you and your new passionate gal all the best!
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Okay, I'm not a guy, but I'll volunteer an opinion.
Is the money problem recent? (Like, ex just recently stopped paying child support?). If so, wouldn't it make sense for her to mention what was going on in her life?
Have you mentioned to her any ideas for how she might budget her money better? (You know, the old "teach a man to fish" concept?). If so, how does she respond?
Although I'd definitely be leery about taking on her financial problems for her at this early stage of dating, if she's this strapped, it would be a nice gesture to pay for the babysitters when she goes out on a date with you.
Consider, too, this side of your response - it doesn't seem to me like you would be too eager to take on financial responsibility for her family - which is what would happen if you married her, given that her ex isn't paying child suppport. If this is a dealbreaker for you, better to recognize it now.
I wholeheartedly agree w/Dodo about communication, she could just be needing a listening ear and maybe she just wanted to vent a little and not really be asking you for money. The only iffy part to me is that she specifies that she needs money for such and such, if she is going into great detail about what she needs money for then ... hmm, sort of sounds like she is asking for financial help.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Do I have a gold digger on my hands that I am heavily attracted to?
I don't know if your "friend" is a gold digger.
However, based on conversations with women that do not have significant incomes, in many cases, a man's income is a factor that many women consider in deciding whether to date a man.
In college - women flocked to engineer, med students and lawyers. They had to ban non-law students from the law library b/c there were too many H hunters hanging out there.
I have a cardiologist friend that "abused" the fact that women gravitated towards him in droves b/c of his profession.
A lawyer friend, after his D, used dating sites to date women that he had no intention of getting serious with. He said that once he posted his income - it was like being let loose in a candy store.
I have attended a number of rich housewife gatherings where women asked me why I wasn't dating - if for no other reason "didn't I want the paycheck" that a H brings to the table. Another woman told me that I was lucky to be able to afford to live where I live b/c so many women have to M the right man to be able to afford to live here.
I also know women that had incomes BEFORE they got M and AFTER they got M decided that they no longer wanted to work and have a sense of entitlement based on traditional social norms - that a woman has the right to stay at home by virtue of her gender.
I think the whole "is a woman dating you for your money" thing is something to be mindful of when dating. I myself am a big proponent of a pre-nup. If I ever get M again - there will be a pre-nup regardless of who makes more. I did the 50/50 split of assets where it was to The X's advantage once - have no intention of doing it again.
I have a cardiologist friend that "abused" the fact that women gravitated towards him in droves b/c of his profession.
A lawyer friend, after his D, used dating sites to date women that he had no intention of getting serious with. He said that once he posted his income - it was like being let loose in a candy store.
AG,
I think both parties deserve each other....... The guy who women want for the "big thing" in his pants....... His wallet of course.... He needs to parade his income around because that is his "best" asset..... A pathetic guy.....
The gold digger who wants to "cash in" on a better lifestyle because she chooses not to work for it herself.... The world is truly a pathetic place.....
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/21/0804:30 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I also know women that had incomes BEFORE they got M and AFTER they got M decided that they no longer wanted to work and have a sense of entitlement based on traditional social norms - that a woman has the right to stay at home by virtue of her gender.
AG,
I think the problem is some women want a 50's M... They stay home and are a "housewife".......... The HUGE problem is they want a "modern" man... Meaning he works 10-12 hours a day... Then, he comes home and does his "manly" chores.... Caring for the lawn, fixing things around the home and what not..... Then, he is expected to "help" her with the "housekeeping" tasks such as dusting, cleaning, laundry, etc.... To me, if you are taking care of the home for 10-12 hours a day, there is more than enough time to keep the house white glove clean.... What I am really writing is I believe many of these women just see their Hs as an ATM......
In my new M, we share all of the duties..... That signifies what a M should be about.... A partnership.....
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/21/0805:00 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Does this make you uncomfortable or has it thrown any red flags at you? If so why?
I don't agree with some of the advice that you have been given. People who are healthy don't look at a person as a paycheck, and we certainly can't help who we fall in love with. I believe that if we could then some of us would not have made the choices we did, but hopefully most of us have learned something from that.
Look, I agree with the fact that maybe she is just comfortable enough with you that she is not only looking for an ear, but also values your advice. Not everyone has an agenda and personally I wouldn't want to go through life thinking that they do.
Maybe the next time the subject comes up you can ask her some pointed questions. Chances are she doesn't have any idea that this seems to leave you uncomfortable. Besides, she knows that you have been through a divorce. It may never even have occurred to her that you any any extra money laying around. All I'm really saying is we have to be open. There are a lot of good people out there. I don't ever want to be the type of person who always looks for the negative in others and end up years down the road a very unhappy person. As we all know there are already too many of those in this world!
Listen to your gut AND your heart. Look at NMD, he did just that and he now has a very happy life.
Oh and I agree with Ellie, an offer to pay for a babysitter every now and then would be a really nice gesture!
What I am really writing is I believe many of these women just see their Hs as an ATM......