This isn't going to be easy, but I think the first step is practicing what you preached up above in spite of the possible hurt it might cause you. Of course we all have limits and you have to decide what your are.
As the LBS, the first action and consistency is in your court...
I think the most effective act of unconditional love so far has been actually agreeing to move forward with a legal S or D. He has already been acting a lot differently since then, far less angry. I am giving up control, which I always had (which includes, in his mind, snooping), and letting him do all the work to make it happen. The plus side is that he and I will have to have a lot of contact and discussions about whatever arrangement we make.
He's already had enthusiastic responses about being friends, when before it was like pulling teeth. He's relieved to be moving to a place where we're not in limbo. He actually texted me 3 hours after we spoke yesterday to apologize about something he did, he hasn't shown that much genuine, un-prompted remorse or seem to give that much thought to my feelings since before the bomb. I was actually flabbergasted.
My plan for tomorrow, and going forward, is to think of him as my brother or really good male friend. My H was always jealous of the genuine happiness and joy I showed around my brothers and male friends, I think because we had so much private pain. I'm going to remind him what I am like without the baggage of our problems. They actually don't exist anymore, because that old relationship is dead. Now he's just a friend I love and am interested in and that I have a lot of fun with.
I need to let him find out on his own if the grass really is greener on the other side. Stay tuned...
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
On more positive thing, I actually slept a solid 8 hours last night, and then slept in 2 more hours. I guess I am relieved to be getting out of limbo, too. I hadn't slept for more than 5 hours at a time since my H left, and those were the rare good nights.
Over 3 months of sleep deprivation can make a girl a teensy wee bit on edge.
By the way, I have solid grounds to make our arrangement a legal S, not a D, cause I am covered under H's medical insurance. He won't take that away from me.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I have found the same thing with my h, although we are not at the friendship stage. It sounds like everything you are doing at the moment is working. Keep going and good luck for tomorrow. I hope you enjoy the day.
accepting the fact that when you look at your H you will not see your H is a big step. as is the idea to treat him as a brother.
a good femal friend asked me how the movie night went with my W. i told her it was good just as if i had taken you to the movies. she was confused why that was agood think but for me it ment i was sucessful at being her friend.
in order for them to see the grass is not greener when need to ensure that it truly is not. when they fell in love with us it was a relaxed and casual enviroment for them to do so. giving him his space and treatinghim as a brother is a perfect way make things more casual.
so i know that this has been a very hard week for you but what have you been doing for yourself. I hate the fact that we have to be so internal in healing ourselves without the supportof a partnar but it is important to do so and i hope you are finding a chance to do things for you and have a bit of fun
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Glad you got a good nights rest....I hope they continue.
I think it is a good idea not to fight the Sep/D but don't assist it. It is his car to drive now. I have found in my sitch and other similar ones, that the WAS feels like they have been controlled, even though the LBS often doesn't see it that way (sometimes they feel like they have been controlled). I think it is great that you can see that.
It will be a big step if you two can be friends again and have opportunties to show how much fun you are to be around! The dteachement sure does take quite a bit of pressure off you as well..lets you relax and be yourself....the person he fell in love with
Best Wishes
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Lost- i agree....this sounds very positive....even Michelle says so what if they actually file- if your conversations are getting better and clearer than thats the signs you look for...and that seems to be the case with you.
you seem much more relaxed in your postings...and so does your H.
make sure yu get clear on your goals on what you really want- kids are a nog one as i am unsure of that...i told my H i wanted him more than i wanted kids...and i have to be sure thats truly what i want.
do you know what you really want?
((((LOST)))))
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
In the AM, I took this green-tea supplement L-Theanine to calm my nerves. Saw it recommended to someone else on another thread here. I think it helped? I dunno, but I was calmer.
My H came over, and his face lit up when he saw me. I'm sure mine did, too. We hugged, and I almost burst into happy tears, but I kept it well under control.
We went to lunch and I could tell that he was nervous. I was dressed to turn heads in a casual way. And heads, they did turn. I was smiling and jovial the whole time, made him laugh, was a smarta$$, complimented him, asked questions, and validated his answers. Treated him like I would a good friend. Better, actually. He was responsive if a bit quiet, said he felt anxious over discussing our legal arrangements, which we did after lunch.
We came back here and sat down and talked about what we were going to do, and I kept listening and validating. We talked about our finances, our stuff, all in a very calm, friendly way. Then he said, "I want this to be smooth and fair, because I know how difficult this has been for you." I teared up slightly, and looked away and said "I appreciate that." When I looked back, he had tears in his eyes and was trying very hard not to lose it. I said, "I know how difficult it's been for you, too." Then I went over and gave him a hug. This plus the text I got the other night...seems like there are some cracks in the wall forming.
We agreed to be friends, and I told him that I wanted to continue to help him on a project I had been helping him with before the bomb. I could tell he was surprised & touched, and said he would think about it.
All in all, he lingered long after we were done talking about that stuff. We spent about 4 hours together in total. When he left I hugged him goodbye and told him that it was really good to see him. (For those of you keeping track at home--that's 3 hugs total).
He's going to continue researching all our legal stuff, but like I said, my feeling is that we'll end up with a legal S because of the health insurance. We have to meet again soon when we have all our financial stuff in front of us, including the value of stuff we own, and just knock things out into some kind of separation agreement.
I feel good, at peace, I'm fine with our arrangements so far, and so pleased at how I handled myself today. For the first time I feel like I can be consistent at this DB thing.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I am so proud of you....you are one strong woman. You handled it like a pro. Excellent job of acting "as if". The fact that his face lit up when he saw you is excellent....there is no hiding or faking that. Remember look for actions don't listen to words. There were a lot of positive actions in that get together.
Let him drive the ship for the legal S/D which ever you choose, let him bring up talks about the split up of assetts, etc. MOre meetings like that and he may very well start things and never finish them. Glad you feel peacful...you deserve it.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
(((((LOST))))) I am so glad that you had this great encounter with him. It sounds like you are being exactly what he needs right now and he is seeing that. It is allowing him to be more comfortable around you. That’s so great. I think that your reasoning behind legal sep are great ones and hopefully he will honor that. Again I like that you are letting him do all the work, stick to that.
I was very excited to hear that you got a good night sleep that is so important for you. I wish you many more of these. That will take one of the variables off the table when it comes to your moods and attitudes. BTW I was counting and three hugs is pretty special.
Really your only goal at this point is not to fix your R or M but to continue to make those cracks in his wall form and spread into huge gapping holes that cause a major collapse. It really sounds like you took some good steps that you should be proud of. I am very proud of the way that you have handles your self this last week. You have fallen back on an amazing amount of strength you did not even know you had three months ago. It would be easy but keep working hard, I am very hopeful for you and you are always in my prayers.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
