Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..2...

[ddstartingover]

I'm still breathing. Just not handling this all the way I thought I would. I don't know how this is supposed to be done.

I sent H and e-mail yesterday saying he could see the kids if he wanted. There was no reply.

S9 called H twice. Both times S came to me and said "Dad said he might come over and watch the race with me." The second time I asked if he said when he might be over. S looked at me and said Dad didn't know----didn't know if it was o.k. I told him to call and tell him it was fine. H asked to talk to me. I tried to hold it together, but got emotional.

He did come over. He did some things with the kids. I invited him to stay for dinner, and he did. It was so awkward and scary, faced with him leaving for his home for the first time. He hugged me goodbye and thanked me for dinner.

I followed with a pretty lengthy letter. I guess I'm playing this all by ear. I'm learning a lot about myself, how I am handling this and looking at this.

It hit me yesterday that no matter what my feelings are, I can't let the kids get in the middle. I can't let them miss out on time with either of us. I will not let them think I won't let him see them when he wants. This is all about him needing space from me, and the kids should not have to suffer for that. My H is deeply troubled. His emotions are in turmoil. He is ill.

In my letter I told him how I felt about time with the kids. I told him that for now I cannot deal with scheduling time with OUR children. I told him I wanted to try to be "open" with this arrangement. I just can't deal with "my time," "his time" ...when they are OUR children. I told him that this was OUR house, and OUR things and he needed to take from it what he needs.

I told him that I've been angry, I've degraded myself to the point that I almost hate myself. I told him I've wallowed in self pity, but now I'm just sad. I'm sad that we are HERE. I'm sad that our kids are in the middle. I'm sad that we don't want the same thing. I told him I knew this was all his decision. I know he has some things that he has to deal with on his own time, and I will be here on the other side---no matter what that is. I also told him that I am not dellusional----I know that he is in control of the situation and I know that I could be waiting only to find that he really wants to end our marriage.

I told him that I think I know him better than he knows himself. Which I think is true. Saturday night when I made him talk I told him that he is a part of me. Unfortunately I went farther and actually told him I didn't feel complete anymore. How corny is that??? 29 years together.... Because I know him so well, I know what he must be going through in this situation. It's still hard to comprehend that he turned to OW, but I know what he must be feeling inside since he did.

No response from H about letter, or the other 6 or 7 e-mails I've sent over the past week. It's ok now. I just hope he is thinking, and not feeling pressured.

Not DBing. Just trying to breathe. Trying to live. Trying to be the person I always hoped to be. Learning about myself. Hurting for my children. Feeling the pain of my broken heart.

I know I will be o.k. I know I am only in control of me. I know that I need to live for myself and my kids. I can't stop hoping that H will choose us and his family, but I'm going to move forward as best I can.