WAW, you are very, very, very correct about making decisions in a heightened emotional state.
Friday afternoon another blow to take, I get home grab the mail and the girls and I head out to go see Journey to the Center of the Earth. At a stoplight I open the envelope from the insurance company only to find a cancellation notice on the auto insurance due to non-payment. Seems she hasn't paid the auto insurance the last two months, yet I have been sending her my portion on the first of the month as agreed. So I call her on her mobile, she answers and she's in the car. I immediately ask what's up with the insurance. She acts clueless, I say we just got a cancellation notice. Then I realize there are other people in the car with her. (Her car has bluetooth so the call is over the stereo, yes everyone in the car can join in.) Then I realize she's with him and another couple. They are jabbering away about nothing while she and I talk. She assures me the insurance is on auto pay and will check it this weekend and correct it if any issue.
OK, insurance issue partially resolved. Then I say OK just let me know. I then mention Sunday night and ask what time do we want to do dinner and if our favorite pizza place is OK. She begins to stammer and studder, very unusual for her. Finally she says, let me think about that and get back to you. (Yes I was gloating a bit then knowing he was in the car and probably didn't know anything about her Sunday plans. ) She did call me back early afternoon Sunday and left a VM, she'd like to join us for dinner too.
Dinner and the show were great, we all had a good time, even she mentioned it. Afterward, we did talk about the insurance issue and re-aligning some expectations we both had that are out of alignment. She so tries to avoid any difficult discussions to the point it is not good. Nothing good comes from conflict avoidance.
So my impression is this whole episode with the insurance, with dinner and the show and my approach to it all has her still wondering. So back to a point of personal strength, I know I am "the man", deep down she knows it, deep down she sees it's what she wants yet she can't seem to get to a place to release the fear.
Now about filing, I finally came to the conclusion that filing is "enabling". Its enabling her behavior, specifically the conflict avoidance behavior. If I file I basically am saying her behavior is acceptable that its acceptable to hurt the ones you love and love you to find "happiness." That its ok to avoid the difficult things in life, to hide and run from them. To avoid the responsibility of her actions.
This gets back to not doing the hard work for her. She's got to do her hard work just like I have to do mine. Even if in the end we get divorced I can't let her "off the hook" from doing the hard work she needs to do and filing right now would do just that.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
) She did call me back early afternoon Sunday and left a VM, she'd like to join us for dinner too.