Just a little point of reference. My bomb was July 2000 when I found emails (not snooping) which showed OM. I moved out Oct 2000 and was divorced by April 2001 (I know the divorce gave me certainty that many here do not have). So I will try to think back to July 2001.
Let me start at the end:
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I believe I have lost a portion of my brain during this whole process...
Not the grey matter, but you definitely do lose your mind to a certain extent. We are going through a grieving process. You can look it up and see the steps of the grieving process. (Those steps BTW formed the basis for the steps of MLC.) I can't think of anyone I know who has been through this who didn't feel as if they were losing their mind. And most of the people I know who lost spouses actually have a much easier time grieving. They have finality. We don;t. There is still a person lurking about.
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H is still in the back of my mind with everything I do, and I am having a hard time letting go
This is totally normal. I know even though I was divorced, I still hadn't let go. I did some dating but I was still standing to a certain extent. Also, none of the woman were suitable as partners for me. I do know when I met someone suitable, I was smart enough not to seek a relationship because I hadn't let go. That was very empowering. (But dern, I wish I had let go by that time...lol!)
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I took responsibility for my part in the decline of our marriage
Excellent. Actually, there may come a time when you are a bit more detached that you see more. At least that is how it worked with me. Even within the last few month, I recognized that I didn't always notice her insecurities. We met, hit it off, and married within a year and it was something I didn't fully recognize. I knew it was there, but not to the extent it was there.
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I'm definitely doing things for myself- took up Kendo, am exercising more, got a new job- that part is all good, am definitely making myself happy.
That is great stuff. You obviously read chapter 7!
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I just wish I could figure out if I'm DBing or just standing,
DBing means you keep trying. You can stand and DB at the same time and it does appear you are doing just that.
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I think H is in MLC, but it doesn't really seem to matter at this point- gone is gone.
Take a look at breton's thread titles something to the effect of how crazy are our spouses. She has an excellent klink there and it validates your thoughts in the passage quoted here.
KPK, I know how tough this is for you. we all do. But it is so important that you keep moving forward. You seem to have this figured out. Even when you make mistakes, you are moving forward because you are trying. If you make a mistake and learn from it, you are moving forward.
