I am going to tell you something I heard over the weekend, and it was very uplifting.
First...there is always hope. It may be that right now, he does not feel the same, but feelings can change.
I had a friend tell me this analogy over the weekend: Whenever one door closes, another one opens. Sometimes, though, it takes a while for the other one to open. While it is still closed, you are stuck in the hallway. This is the time you need to reflect, change, and work on yourself to make you a better person. Eventually, the door will open, and a new you will come through, stronger, happier, more satisfied with your life.
Right now, you are in the early stages, and it is hard. I know your every thought is about your H, and as much as I would like to tell you that will change, it can't. You feel like there is a weight on your chest, you can't breath, and you are going to lose your mind.
You won't. You don't ever stop missing them, or maybe not even thinking of them, but eventually you will breath. The heavy weight will go away a bit, and although it will revisit at times, it won't be a constant companion. The intermittent (or constant) crying jags will stop, and you will be able to sleep again.
Don's stop these feelings, because if you do, you won't heal. Healing does not mean you are letting go, or that you won't love your H anymore, it just means you will feel better. If you need to take a break, and go cry, then do it. The first few months, I would have what I called my 3:30 breakdown. Every day at 3:30 I would feel horrible, go to my car, smoke a cigarette, and cry. I would come back in, and be able to get through the day. Eventually, it stopped.
If you have faith in God (or Buddha, or Allah, or Jehovah) find solice in it. I meditate, pray over candles, and just let go and let God handle it. It will make you feel better to release it to a Higher Power. It will feel strange, but take a breath, and remind yourself every day that you are right to want to save your M, and that you will do what you need to do to accomplish that task.
In the meantime, breath...
Hugs....Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
