wow a lockout.

[BeingMe]

Sorry to hear that things are going bad again. Just a thought, though, about the legality of her taking the kids out of state. You could stop that in a legal separation, surely????

Take care.

[Gman3388]

Beingme, Im not sure.
I continue to stay dark.
She had off today.SHe took our son to the hospital because of a bad sunburn he got a few days ago. He all of a sudden started getting funny little red bumps on his face and upper body.
They gave him some meds and now he seems to be ok.

Her behaviour is strange.She tries to joke with me and even bought me smokes and made dinner. Its almost like she is avoiding things.
I don't talk to her much and when I do its very short answers.
More later....

[Gman3388]

I'm not sure if this is a MLC for her.
Maybe it is but geez why all the "tests"
3 years of waffling back and forth.
*sigh*

[Gman3388]

I called home today to see how our son was doing.
He's doing ok, no more bumps.
We spoke about the house and such...sounds like she and the kids are cleaning. That's a first in a long time. Normally its me and the kids doing it. She was friendly, I was business. kept my tone
neutral.
Maybe she's doing this out of guilt or to show me that she can provide a clean home too.
interesting.....

[Punktmann]

Hey Gman, I've been gone for several months... looooooong story, rotten news in other areas, not for this board.

I hit the boards again to collect some referral links for a friend of a friend to look at, (I gave him my books for that friend too, maybe they'll help him more. ) and I saw that you just posted again recently too.

I'm really sorry to see that things headed south again my man, I know exactly how stabbingly difficult it is to go from "things are getting better," to this.

Just some thoughts,

Sure they always flirted. But he crossed a line that you just don't cross with another mans wife.
I brought this up to her and she swears there is nothing between them.
She asked me if I was smoking pot. Because to her I seemed as through I was.

I hope not to sound critical of her here, but this is an attempt to shift blame onto you. Maybe you have a friend who does smoke pot, and she doesn't like it, whatever, shifting the focus from her behavior to you, and her suspicions is a way of deflecting the issue. Nothing more.

Im more PO'd than anything.
She wants me to leave again but I wont because, like before, I wont abandon the kids. I told her that.
She wants me to take the hard way so its easy for her.
I WONT DO IT.

I didn't (and in most cases don't) think that you should do the dirty work for them, unless it comes to a point of protecting your custodial rights. In retrospect, I'm not entirely sure I was right in MY particular case, but I'm still proud that I stood for what I believed in.

In any case, if custody is an issue, I would act immediately, to heck with everything else. (I am adjusting to having my kids every other week, and it is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I can't imagine what it would be like to have them less.)

I was PO'd . I asked her how the hell she could she could after 11 years just call it done. She said she never could "talk" to me.
Semi not true. We talked but it took alot for her to open up

I heard that too, I bet that everyone here has. What is really the case is that they don't feel they can talk to us "now," and rightly so, how do you talk to a spouse about affairs, doubts, or wanting to end the marriage? Uh, that'd be tough for anyone. Even when my ex did talk, it was censored, and skewed. Skewed like being nasty until you finally withdraw, and then making overtures so they can claim to be rejected.

I asked her if she was planing on taking the kids out of state.
She said she couldn't guarantee that. So you want not only call it quits but take that kids away too?
Amazing......

Call an attorney now, ask them what you need to do to prevent her from taking the kids out of state. I'm not shouting, but this is the only thing worth talking about, POSSESSION IS 9/10THS OF THE LAW WHEN IT COMES TO INTER-STATE CUSTODY!!!!!!!! If you are concerned about it, (she's from out of state, etc.) you need to protect yourself NOW!!! A court order from Arizona don't mean jack in Wisconsin.

I didn't beg or plead. been there done that, didn't work.
I did state things on my mind with no remorse.
today she was friendly but Im still upset and she knows it.
I was civil to her but Ive had enough of the games.
I will continue to act as if and to get a life.
Maybe you could call it a 180.
Im wondering again just why for the past 3 years and always at this time of the year, it all goes belly up?
Im wondering right now if its even worth it anymore.

11 years for me too, and 3 years of MLC hell. What is there a discount on this stuff?

I do love her so very much. I don't know why.
But right now I hate her some too.

Yep, you can't turn off love like a switch. (dammit!) You still love who she was, sometimes still is, and could be again. It's important to begin to internalize that's her choice and isn't up to us though. (By not up to us, I mean that we are not to blame if they choose otherwise, despite our best efforts, it's free will.)

Hate, yeah, that plays in too. (I did some o' that.) Short term though. Hate is a strong word, I know this about you, it's not in you to hate. Hate and anger are not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. Love at it's core is respect. You can only be indifferent to someone you have no respect for. Hate is our inability to deal with the anger,rejection, and other negative emotions that pertain to someone we respect. For us healthy people, it's almost always temporary. This too shall pass.

Her behaviour is strange.She tries to joke with me and even bought me smokes and made dinner. Its almost like she is avoiding things.
I don't talk to her much and when I do its very short answers.

My humble opinion here, it is guilt, and a bunch of it.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BRINGING HER BACK, if anything, it is driving her further away.

Every step of the way, my ex got hammered with the self-guilt, and threw in fits of SUPER-NICE.

The thing is, that guilt only lasts a little bit, and then there is resentment for the guilt.

Guilt is pressure to them, and the resentment that follows is even worse.

As good as it feels to think, "yeah, you should feel guilty, you are wrong as heck," while they are going through this, it's not really helping our cause.

I don't really know what a good DBing response to their guilty behavior would be, I never found it.

One last thing that I'd add from my experience in retrospect. I think that many of the times that I "went dark" I was withdrawing from her in a cyclic "passive-aggressive" sort of way that played into her "vision" of a difficult marriage.

I think that only gave her more justification (however self serving it was,) for her belief that things were "that bad."

Just some thoughts from my experiences.

You have a lot of experience with this, and you know how to DB damn well. Don't play into her game, rise above like you always have, and be the man you will always be proud of, regardless of the outcome.

Protect your relationship with your kids first.

best,

Punkt

[Gman3388]

Hey Punk!
Good to see ya and thank you for posting here. Im sorry for your news.
Ya I'm back again but I'm fighting too.
I just wish this crap would stop.
G

[Gman3388]

"I heard that too, I bet that everyone here has. What is really the case is that they don't feel they can talk to us "now," and rightly so, how do you talk to a spouse about affairs, doubts, or wanting to end the marriage? Uh, that'd be tough for anyone. Even when my ex did talk, it was censored, and skewed. Skewed like being nasty until you finally withdraw, and then making overtures so they can claim to be rejected."

Ya come to think of it when we talked...I did most of the talking
Her answers were like multiple choice...
A yes you did
B its not you its me
C I haven't loved you for years
D all the above


More later...

[Gman3388]

Well I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon. Common Ground.
I wanted to know if the bumps on Son's face went down again. They did.
She proceeded to tell me how she needed to go out and buy a dress for a wedding that she was going to attend this weekend with her female friend. The good one. And yes she's beginning to hand out with the bad one also as mentioned in a previous thread.
It seems that when she goes down this road she hangs with these two.
Anyways she is going to go to the wedding and stay over night since her female friend is the maid of honor and the bride got them all rooms. (follow that?)
Not sure if she was testing me to see what I would say but I acted as if and said yeah it was a good idea.
Hey go have fun. Ill be home with the kids...maybe we'll watch movies and make popcorn...maybe later Ill get on COD4 with my friends and game some.
Least Ill get the bed for that night.
Drink one for me Honey.....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ya come to think of it when we talked...I did most of the talking
Her answers were like multiple choice...
A yes you did
B its not you its me
C I haven't loved you for years
D all the above

The trap I fell into was having a question, but offering a choice of answers as well. Once I realized what I was doing I stopped offering her an easy list of answers, and she had to communicate. I was hard to stop offering up possible answers for her.

[Gman3388]

Hiya Jack!
Yes I need to stop that. If I left her to do the talking it would be a short convo.....
Gotta keep repeating ..bite your tongue!!! bite your tongue!!!!!
Oh one other thing to add.... the paper that she showed me with the uncontested divorce crap is still sitting on the kitchen counter....wouldn't you think something important as such would go back into her purse where it would be safe????
Hmmm
A weak "daily reminder" Maybe I should spill coffee on it :P
oops