"Believe NONE of what they say, and HALF of what they do."
My wife:
- kept talking about separation, and threatening me with it. Then I informed HER that there was no such thing as legal separation in Florida. She looked at me like someone had shot her dog, and was speechless.
- threatened me with divorce half a dozen times. When I finally served HER with divorce, she was stunned, and wondered why I did it.
- told me half a dozen times she was "never going to speak to me again" (after I exposed her affair, for example). Each time, she was over it in between one and several days.
Look, you could very well get served with divorce papers. It's just a hunch on my part, but I'm trying to get you to see the distinction between what your wife SAYS, and what she DOES.
You might want to reply (altho it's a lot more fun if you'd tell her this in person): "I'm confused. There is no such thing as "legal separation" in PA; what, exactly, is it you're drawing up?"
Remind me again what this "consultation" was last week, and what was drawn up in terms of child support. I'm following a lot of different sitches, but I'm confused as to why ANYTHING was discussed about child support when there's not been any LS or D action yet?
In fact, I'd bet the odds are 50/50 that she never even serves you with them yet.
I wouldn't be so optimistic... I think there has been too much pursuit so far, and that tends to push WAS to keep walking. Also I think saying someting like, "That's your choice, I didn't want this divorce" (and I did say things like that) will *sound* like you are blaming her, and blame (like pursuit) will only push her further away.
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if she pushed the D mostly because you don't want it. She wants to "win" this, and do the exact opposite of what you want.
I think telling a spouse you don't want the D is a form of pursuit. I think it's best not to say anything or to only say it very carefully so it doesn't come across as pursuit. "Although I prefer to have my family together, I do want you to be happy."
And then if a spouse says something like "I'm only going to be happy if you let me have this divorce.... It was a bad marriage, we've never been happpy...even you've been unhappy" Yada yada yada.... I don't think you should argue (that's pursuit or trying to use logic against someone who is determined to fight against it). Instead say something like, "I hear what you are saying. I understand. I want you happy too." And then change the subject. Ask about work, ask about family, ask about the child... etc...
This doesn't mean you don't drag your feet on things or hold off the D as long as possible (and don't let them know this our or they will only get angry at you about standing in their way of happiness!!!). Just give convenient excuses. "I'm sorry, I just haven't had a chance to do that," or "first I need to talk with my attorney... " or "Yes, yes, I plan to get to that, I just haven't had a chance... Hey, just relax... a year from now the marriage will be over (not really because your feet will drag it out as long as possible ) and we will both be done with this. You will be happily remarried and I'll be happily dating young, gorgeous women who can't believe their luck in being with me (yeeeeah!!! let that one swish around in her head!!!)."
Then try to create positive interactions.
I've found that it's only when you appear to "give up" the marriage that they sometimes start to wonder if what they are doing is the right thing. Unfortunately, for many people, It's only when they think they've lost something valuable that they begin to question if they were wise in pushing it away. Your W knows she hasn't lost you. Right now you are just an irritating impediment that's standing in the way of her "happiness." Until you step aside she's probably going to keep fighting you.
Oh well... I could be completely off base, but that's my two cents!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT Wouldn't it be better to say "I do not want a D and want to keep my family together. I ask you to do the same but you are free to make your own choices" rather than "That's your choice, I didn't want this divorce"? Maybe a bit of wordplay, but the message in the second has a blaming aspect whereas it is not as explicit in the first.
Maybe moot, but...
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Child support??? Don't you dare pay a specific amount until you have papers from a judge saying how much. Until it's legally determined you just help with bare essentials and give her as minimal amount as possible because, "Sweetie, I am struggling with my rent and my own bills.... next paycheck I'll try and get a little extra to you (not!)." Do not be a chump!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I respectfully disagree. While there may be a more elegant way to phrase it, that comes across as less "blaming," I do think it's very important to continue to reiterate to a wayward or otherwise walkaway spouse that you do NOT want to divorce. That you are willing to work on the marriage.
I was also counseled that this is a good thing LEGALLY to say, for many reasons.
I do think that when spouses are wayward, if you say "black" they're going to tend to say "white," and it IS an overall good idea not to get into battle mode with them, but on this one issue, I think one needs to be clear.
ROOT Wouldn't it be better to say "I do not want a D and want to keep my family together. I ask you to do the same but you are free to make your own choices" rather than "That's your choice, I didn't want this divorce"?
My point was exactly that! Someone else had recommended the "That's your choice" comment and I thought it sounded flippant and blaming...
I think how you frame words can be very important during an emotional time like this. I myself had to stop even saying, "I do not want a D." That in itself would only push my H further away. I knew that whatever I wanted my H would automatically want to opposite so I had to be extremely careful how I framed my words.
For example, rather than focusing, or even bringing up the divorce word (that's one I avoided saying out loud as much as possible... just the word!). Instead, I'd say things like, "I think people are happiest having their family together.... but I care about you and I want to do whatever is going to make you happy.... and I know in the long run I'm going to be happy to! Hey, life is great!!!"
See I'd sneak in little bits of truth without trying to bang him over the head with it or try to convince him. Little snippets of logic ,while at the same time appearing to agree and support the nonsense he was spouting.. and sneaking friendship in there too!!! I created a very careful strategy. I knew the chance of it working was very slim, but I figured, what the heck... I'll do my best.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oh no, I never verbalized wanting the divorce or anything like that! I just wasn't going to fight my husband because he would have definitely fought against me to the end. In word choice, knowing your spouse and how they will react to the words is probably the best you can do. For puppy this is what worked for him, for me it wouldn't have.... Many things I didn't need to say in words. My H already knew my commitment to my family, and keeping it together. I didn't need to say the words. It came out in my manner and actions. I didn't have a lot of time so I chose to avoid R and D talk (like recommended in DB and DR) as much as possible and just try to make my H my friend.
Legally, I was always very careful about words and particularly careful about anything in writing, or on the computer!!! I did make certain there was nothing that could legally hurt my case in court or be used against me.
I did originally tell my H I didn't want the D... and I told my lawyer this. These were the words. I just didn't keep repeating it or when I did I said it in non-pursuing ways. My H knew where I stood.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
