I know there are more of you out there that have survived MLC, or at least are working through it, but BFM and FW have been there and given me advice in the past, so I'm looking for some now...............
I can't remember all of the details of your sitch. My H has just moved out (after saying he would for 2 years). I have confirmed the existence of OW. H has not told me of her. I have not confronted him with what I know, partly because I promised I would not share that information, and who have it to me. I have spoken with a person whose H denied his A up until it was clear there was going to be a Federal Investigation surrounding e-mail records.
FW did you come clean right away? If not, how long did it take you to tell BFM what was going on.
I'm very conflicted about all of this. I also know that H is too. Even though he has completely detached himself from me, when I look into his eyes, I can see the hurt and pain. I know he's struglling with what to do. He may be considering leaving for the OW. I don't know. He may think he's messed up too much and doesn't want to deal with all the work or pain he thinks he would cause if he told me the truth. For now, I'm trying to stand. I'm trying to breathe. I'm looking at this as if he is very ill, and he is.
I know that I can't confront him with what I know. I also know if we have a chance down the road, he will have to open up to me and tell me what happened.
Any advice would be appreciated..........................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I will read up on your sitch and try to post from home tonight. I can't read or post much at work.
Internet goblins are everywhere! LOL!
One quick thing I will tell you is FW came clean right away. i found an email string while he was in the shower and confronted him as soon as he got out. He admitted and moved out that afternoon. He's unusual though, most will deny even if you have undeniable proof (pictures) that it's going on.
I exposed it to everyone. No keeping it secret. Affairs thrive because in part they are a fantasy (not all, but a lot are). Many will not survive when exposed to the harsh light of reality. Not recommended by most here to take that route, but it worked for me.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I just want to add that I discovered the A as I was paying bills and called the number that kept appearing.
I immediately confronted H and he admitted it. I was devastated.
And, I, too, exposed it. I would not tell the kids but they knew something was terribly wrong with me that day. I told them they would have to ask their dad what was wrong with me. At that time, they were 14, 13, and 11. Sure enough, they asked and he admitted to them what he was doing.
It ripped those kids apart and their biggest fear was that they would have to move out of their comfort zone and I told them no, they would still be in this house, etc.
Several weeks later, I called my FIL and informed him. He wanted me to kick H out. I told him I could not do so at this time.
To this date, H is not welcome at his parents home until this woman is out of his life. H has not spoken to his family in three years. Pretty sad.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
OK, I guess I'll also open this up to opinions on whether to confront H about OW. I confronted him 2 years ago when I saw all the calls on the cell phone bill. He acted genuinely hurt that I would accuse him of such a thing. Made up excuses for the calls. Everything snowballed from there. I have blamed myself for 2 years, thinking that most of this was my fault for making a false accusation.
As time has gone on, I've had that gut feeling. When he stopped sleeping in the same bed and all of the other clues added up I knew in my heart there was OW. I tried to snoop, but failed. The fact that the bills were suddently kept under lock and key was another clue. But, I kept trying to trust him. When he said he was "done" in March and wanted a divorce it hit me hard and I didn't immediately start thinking more about the possibility of OW, but I still had that feeling in my gut.
Two weeks ago the opportunity presented itself to me to have access to the bills (the safe was unlocked), so I looked. I made copies. The calls continue. Not as long as they were two years ago, but still there. I thought about PI, posted on here about it, but then remembered another option. I will not disclose how I found out without a doubt, but I know now that it is true. I can't tell H how I know for sure.
I'm sure if I confront him again he will deny. I know him well enough to know this. I'm sure it will just make him more angry. If he admits it I'm pretty sure he will say he hadn't thought about it until I accused him of it----trying to continue to put the blame on me. But, how can I not bring this out in the open?
He came to pick up the kids for his first overnight at "his place." S9 and D11 almost acted excited to be going for a visit. D14 was emotional, but then I had yelled at her earlier for something (I overreacted knowing H was coming)and I know it upset her.
So do I confront him. Do I tell him I KNOW, when I can't tell him how I know. Do I make up a story about an anonymous e-mail or phone call? Do I wait until he makes his "decision" before I try to bring it to light.
My mother is convinced he has OW, and it makes her mad to talk about it. I try to tell her I don't want to think about that possibility, but she's pretty set in her thinking. Now I don't know if I should tell other people what I know, because I know it will possibly decrease my chances of reconciliation. But, I could really use some support on my side and some days I just want to scream to everyone that HE'S SCREWING SOMEONE ELSE !!!!
I don't know what to do. I do know that I'm feeling anger tonight. I'm feeling ALONE, since he has them tonight. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I'll also open this up to opinions on whether to confront H about OW.
Let's look at the possibilities here. Either (1) you get an acknowledgment, or (2) you don't. Are you going to be satisfied with either answer? Is it going to make a difference how you approach things. Seems like it backfired on you before, why would you think anything different would happen this time. Thus, why confront. Either the truth will hurt you or you won't believe him. Don't go there.
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Now I don't know if I should tell other people what I know,
One of the best things I did was to keep my discussions about the situation with family and friend at a bare minimum. I spoke with my SIL. I spoke with my uncle. I spoke with a friend from doctoral school. That is it. I spoke with them because they were the people who would have an idea bout feeling a loss of a spouse through divorce or death. The rest was with counselors or divorce/separated groups.
TCBTE, everyone here knows what it feels like. They may not have the exact situation, but we have felt as you now feel. This is the time for you to follow the DB book. Everything here shows that your whole focus is your H. What about you? What do you want from life regardless of whether your H is in it or not. Move forward with life. Don;t let this consume you.
I sure don't want it to consume me, but sitting here alone, the first time with my kids at his house, I can't seem to think of anything else. If he does choose to come back, he will have to come clean----I will not be able to take him back without acknowledgement. I made an appt. with the MC next week. to discuss this.................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Good move going to the MC. One thing that helped me was to just go pick up a novel and read,. Many times, it would be like I wasn't even reading, but eventually I was able to gain my focus.
And if he does choose to come back, a marriage counselor would be key, So now, you know what you need for the marriage. Now what do you need for you.
