Left the Rollercoaster - Now what???

[HappyToday]

BH,

I don't know if you know how rare an apology is from these guys. My X still won't admit his A several years later. Well, I don't know that he wouldn't, because I no longer ask him about that, but he never would before and he still hasn't apologized for what he did. Hopefully one day he'll apologize to his sons.

Anyway, discussing money with a STBX is like beating your head against the wall. The only thing I heard from him during negotiations was me me me, I I I. You spent the money on a L because he made you do that. What do these guys expect? Wait-I know. Everything. They're pretty darned special.

BTW, $1,700 is nothing in L money. He should be proud of you.

[No Longer BH]

Happy, thank you for the support. I agree that the 1700.00 is nothing compared to the qoutes I got from other L's. Here's the thing, OW works at a law firm so he thought he could just used some of her friends to file the paperwork. I was looking out for me and my son and wanted my own L to tell me if I was getting a good deal whith the mediation proposal. I have already told STBX that the money has been spent, he needs to just come to terms with it.

Its so funny how when he first left he would talk about how he wanted to make sure S and I were always taken care of, no matter what. He even set up a budget showing me that he was going to give me half of his salary. I knew that when the time came, this prposal would be nothing but empty promises, and I was right. Everything he has done for the last 2 years has been selfish. He is a sad mad looking for the easy way to happiness. He spends all of his money, goes out drinking with his new friends (NEVER would drink at all before this) and got himself a girlfriend. Sad thing is I can tell he still is no where near happy. I am finding peace with my life despite the termoil he has put me and my S through. Not completely there but getting closer.

He is such a shallow person as well. He has only worked on outside images instead cultivated a sence of true self (which is why he is where he is). Perfect examples of what I mean about him: He is a people pleaser so always put the opinion of bosses and co-workers ahead of family. He has bumper stickers on his car about saving the planet but does not even recyle. He gets into friendly political debates when people but in not even a registered voter. For years was known as "the food nazi" becuase he would lecture about how bad so much of what we eat is for us, then he would go out and eat fast food almost on a daily basis.

I think back on these behaviors and know that I will be better off without him. His passive/aggressive personality was very abusive to my self esteem. I read an article about PA people and how they do not really love us, they love the attention we give them. We are no more than a really comfortable arm chair to them and when we are no longer of use or value, we are replaced. I refuse to be just an armchair, I deserve to be a partner. Once I have healed from this, I know that I will find the right person for me and I will end up happier than I ever thought possible. After all, I am already happy with me, a partner would just be icing on the cake.

[cat03]

hey there, big hugs first of all))))))))))) there is so much I'd like to tell you but I'm at work and are rushed. Your sitch reminded me of mine, stbx saying he needed time, he was with ow, spent $ trying to buy himself some happiness, holding onto ow in an effort to make himself happy (he is a total mess btw)

About the hurt, it will become manageable, and the thought stopping technique is very good, moreover, fill your mind with good reads, a great great book I recommend you read is "The spiritual Divorce", it will help you cope with this new turn your life is taking. Acceptance is so hard, for a while I was in numb denial and I just could not understand what had just happened, I could not accept that my planned future just disintegrated.

And about you feeling more peace, YES! same here, I was under his cloud of doom while we "pieced", stbx is an unhappy person unable to think of anyone but himself, and I just tried so hard to keep the pieces of the puzzle together, to hold us together, to no avail. I now have more peace in my life, of course it is sad that things turn out this way, but the way I was living was no way, I was not happy, I was not a priority in his life, I was suffering, hoping he'd like me, loved me enough to fight for our M. The man can't even love himself, he had nothing to give me.

About the financial issues, ish!! I can't believed he took all that money!!! hope you have all that recorded, when time came to pay for mediation I gave myself credit for all the money he spent on her and money he took and I paid little. I did hear though that the S who wants to separate has to pay for it all, too late for me though, I did say I'd pay 50%.

Anyways, about mediation, I saw a L just to consult what I was asking for and then a second time to check that the SA wouldnt' hurt me in any way (why did your L charge so much?)
Mediation can be resolved in 3 meetings, each meeting is about 1.5-2.5hrs. Mediation is for people who agree in the majority of the issues and if there isn't much to fight about. If you are not going back to work and he has a problem with that it could be very hard to reach an agreement, in which case med. will take longer and cost a lot (there are tons of different kinds of mediators there, you must call quite a few to find one that is experienced and one that charges a decent amount). I hope your L is a good one and told you what you ought to ask for, but watch out, there are the "bomber" Ls who are out for blood, the ones who are really looking to have you spent more $ on them and how make things harder in your so-called benefit.

Good luck hon, a book on mediation will also help you lots, I got quite a few from the library that helped me big time.

[No Longer BH]

Cat, thanks for the heads up on the mediation process. Part of me is still scared to get D. Even though I know I will be better off, it is still the death of the dream I had of my future. In time, that too will pass.

I'm wondering if we are going to be able to work things out that quickly because there are a few issues that I will not back down on when it comes to dividing up our assets and debts and custody arrangements. At least I prepares him for the indefinate maintenance so he will have time to get ok with it before it comes up. Also, our house is up for sale at the moment. It is financially draining us. Can the D be completed as long as we still own the house? He will not be able to pay me any support as long as it has not sold. I've been wondering about that.

Anyway, thank you for the hugs. I'm sure going to need them with what is to come. I just try to tell myself that this trial in my life is preparing me for something better.

Any recomendations on mediation books?

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I found a website that had an article on passive/aggressive behavior. I read this every day to help me move pass my feelings for STBXH. My heart so doesnt want my M to end but my head keeps telling me that it needs to. I wanted to post the site here so others can be comforted that it may not be such a bad ending after all.....

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm


All I have to say is that I refuse to be a chair any longer.

[cat03]

this is a great book which is easy to read and wont' overwhelm you:
The divorce mediation handbook : everything you need to know / by James, Paula.

You will have to meet him half way on some things or it will just be a long drawn out battle. Since you meet with a L you know what is fair to ask, but do be open to other suggestions that perhaps will also work out for both of you. There were a few times when I was dead sure he'd agree to something and I had all these plans laid out only to be told by stbx that it didnt' work for him, so I had to adjust things quite a bit.

Now, the thing about the house/pending support is the hairy part. Have you lowered the price of the house? even if you just break even it will be worth it in the end, in my state the LS must have all the financial aspects figured out, so you really can't have a LS until you come to a conclusion about how much $ he will be giving you.

Describe to me your custody arrangement and why do you think he'll have a problem with the way you want it set up. In my state, debt is divided 50/50, it was a miracle that stbx didn't make me responsible for a cc he'd racked up during his MLC when he was gone and we were S, unless I was able to prove he spent the $ only on him I would've have to be responsible for that debt because he came back and was living with me.

[No Longer BH]

Cat, thanks for the heads up on mediation. The one thing I think STBX is going to fight me on when it comes to child custody is that he wants to put in the decree that I am unable to move out of state as long as S is living with me. My S is only 8 and I do not know what my future holds so do not want to be limited in this way. I would never take S away from his dad intentionally, but what if I remarry and new H gets a transfer? I will not agree to those terms.

I also think he is going to fight me on indefinate maintenance. But I am strong and will stand my ground. We will just see if things turn into a battle or not.

Had to attend the manditory parenting after divorce class today. It made me so sad. The interviews with the kids broke my heart. Why cant STBXH see what it is that he is doing to his S as well? Why would he inflict this kind of pain onto his child just so he can behave selfishly (and yes, he has even admitted that he knows he is being selfish but its ok because he is just trying to find himself). The class made me hate the fact that I am gong to be D even more.

I met with my the child counselor my S will be seeing soon today to talk about what my S is going through. I did not try and paint an ugly picture of STBXH at all, just kept to the facts. It was funny, the IC picked up immediately on what was happening with STBXH. He said you aren't in this business for as long as I have been without learning to see who people really are. He said that my son should not have to be going through this at all. That if STBXH would have just faced his problems the right way we all could have come out as the happy family. Unfortunately that is not the journey he chose to take and we are the ones suffering for it.

Just wanted to rant about my day today. God, I really hope this gets easier. The last couple of days have been sad ones. Days in which I wished he would see the light and come back. I have been told by my IC not to count on it. He is creating a new reality for himself to justify the ending of our M. His ego could not take it if he made the wrong choice so he will continue to work at proving to himself that he is making the right choice. So sad, so very sad. I'm just trying to detach, do NC (which I still suck at) and act as if......plus I am slowly GAL as well. That always helps.

Thanks for the support.

[cat03]

t he wants to put in the decree that I am unable to move out of state as long as S is living with me

I was told that legally stbx couldn't make me stay in my state (he suggested that too, to put there that I couldnt' move). In my state I only have to give him 30 days of notice, check the laws in your state, MrsH in NY (or NJ?) is going to court and the judge seems like is not going to let her move out of state, it varies.
About the support, that's going to be a tough one.

None of out kids should be going through this, that really makes me mad, but I pray that my kids are able to move on like I did when my parents divorced, mine was more traumatic, I try my best to teach them about God and to have faith in him, I always tell them that is 4 in the house, them, me and Jesus, I'm glad they like church and have that constant in their life, the people there love them.

[Reincarnated]

bh, your stbx and my x sound very similar. I know how hard this is for you; I am just a little ahead of you, myself. But you do sound very strong. Check in with me whenever you like.
--D

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I HAVE to post how my day went. It has been a mix of emotions. First, when I got to mediation, my STBXH walks in with a chip on his shoulder. Like he is ready to battle. We sit down with the mediator and she goes over all of the rules for mediation and tells us what to expect. She goes over what we will be working on at our next meeting and what we need to bring. After that we left.
As we were walking out he stopped me and asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes. First he wanted to tell me how he was planning on getting the money for S school bill. He then went on to ask about alimony. He also wanted to know if I would be willing to work through most negotiations outside of mediation so that we (meaning him) could keep the cost down.

Then things got a little odd. He starts to tell me that he is still very depressed. That the medicine he is on has only gone so far and he can see that he has a lot of work to do to try and fix himself. He said that everyday was still very hard for him and he was still fighting against his demons. Felt like his life was just falling apart. He said again that he realized the A was wrong. Wanted me to know that they had only been physical a couple of times and he has not been "with" her in that way in 2 months, but he still does see her as a friend.

My mom sent him a book w a bunch of pics in them of STBXH and S. STBXH said he got it then started to cry in front of me. Said it tore his heart out to see it because he knows that he has lost the only family he had (meaning my parents). Said it felt like they have turned their back on him now. I was strong and just listened. Did not try to fix anything but was still compassionate to some degree. Felt like he made this bed now he can live in it. Through this whole thing he kept saying that he still wanted the D. Fine then, you can still have it.

After I left I went to my mechanic to have new tires put on my car. When I got there the owner (whom I have been friendly with over the years but dont know too well) said he new why I was getting a D - because STBXH had a girlfriend. I laughed and said, yep how did you know? Apparently about a month and a half ago this woman walks in and wants new tired. Mechanic ask how she found out about them. OW says my STBX name. A few minutes later STBX pulls up about a block away in his car, walks halfway to the garage and waits for her to come out. Then they leave together. Mechanic guy then looks at me and says.....

"Brokenhearted, just so you know, she was NOT attractive at all and was very overweight." I started to laugh. He then said that he has had a couple of friends who have had an A and they always A down. That way the ugly girl worships them and they get their ego stroked. I left to walk over to my old house since STBX said I could wait there until car was ready. As I am walking, STBX pulls around the corner and stopps his car. I am still laughing and he wants to know what is so funny. I tell him that my mechanic knew he had a girlfriend because STBX had brought he there. STBX said, didnt I tell you that I took her there? Um, no but I really dont care. So I'm still kinda laughing and he ask why. I said mechanic also said she wasnt very pretty and was fat. STBX sat for a second and said, "No, she is not nearly as attractive as you are and she is overweight." I just smiled and kept on walking.

After car was ready, went back up to the garage and guess what....mechanic friend walked me to my car, gave me his number and asked me to go out sometime. Said he knew how hard D was and he just wanted to show me a good time. I thanked him and said I would call him when I was ready. Seems like STBX has been getting b!tched slapped by karma while she keeps sending roses my way.

Dont understand why he wanted to tell me so much. He has no desire to R, and has even said that he has not been able to forgive me yet (um, for what??? Never told me what it is that I did wrong, just kept it in instead and used it to justify leavind and the A). Anyway, too much thought is going his way. I am going back to NC.