No great epiphanies re my M. I don't expect there ever will be. I think my H is just going to go along for as long as I am willing to live with the status quo. He is not going to initiate anything, or seek help for any problems, or do one dash darned thing to improve this M any further than he has ... i.e. he's here, isn't he???!!! And, I am fresh outta ideas, and no longer willing to fight anymore.
At present, I am unwilling to put my D15 through a D. H and I are friendly, and even a little affectionate, so I doubt she feels there is anything wrong ... although, kids can be pretty astute. Still, I will leave things as they are, until she has been at least one year in college (3 years to go). We are the only family she has in Canada, other than siblings and cousins who we never see. So, for us to separate now, would be unfair on her, I think.
I am thinking of putting forward a proposal to H ... not sure when, and I am only thinking of it, for now. Give me your opinions, please. (I know, Phoenix and Aud, that what I'm proposing is against our C, so it's going to be really extreme for me to go through, but it's been on my mind.)
I am thinking of asking my H for a LS, but not tell the kids. I want to start working with my own finances, be independent in thought, but still have H come home (I think he likes that there is a home and family to come to every weekend), take care of D15 financially, etc. I am not interested in a D, and it doesn't seem as if H is either. However, if he does meet someone else, or I do (which is pretty unlikely), then it will not be a whole big drama to just get the D quickly and cleanly. I am tired of wondering what our finances are about, what he's doing while he is away during the week (if anything), why he's not interested in me romantically, yadda yadda. I think I am over my H ... I don't think I love him anymore ... at least, not in 'that' way. I do care about him very much, and always will. He's been my H for 22 years, and I have loved him so much, even when he didn't love me. Now, I just don't have those feelings anymore. I don't want him to be unhappy, so I want him (and me) to have a quick out, if needs be. However, I do not want to end up poor either. I have worked too long and hard with H to get where we are, to just throw it away. I think a LS will protect me, and him, and our last child at home, while giving him the freedom to pursue whomever he chooses. I will be back at university in September, and I will be busy with classes, so I will have something to occupy my mind, and not obsess over the semi-end of my M. I never wanted it to come to this. I had hoped we could get the feelings back, but he obviously doesn't love me, and now I return that sentiment.
Am I crazy for even thinking this? Is it possible that I could get my feelings for him back, one day? Or, could he? I have no more hope left ... the rope is dropped ... I must move forward without him (emotionally speaking, anyway).
Time for bed. G'night, y'all!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
