Good point. Everyone needs to keep in mind that saving a marriage will also include a new life. You have to have a new relationship after all the gunk which was caused. You can't go back to the way it was or things will explode on you. Just ask me!
Divorce Busting can work for both people who believe in God and for those who do not.
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We learn to help others in need and NOT to create an idol of our marriage restoration.
Exactly. We cannot lose ourselves in the marriage or the attempt to save that marriage. There are still things that we need to do aside from that attempt. And that is why Michele put in chapter 7 - Make Yourself Happy For a Change. God wants us to be happy. If we aren't happy being an accountant, then make a change. If we want to take up growing bonzai as a hobby, then do it.
IMP
PS to HeartSacred - My high school was Names Sacred Heart.
MLC or not, I see no reason to give up on a marriage at the first sign of trouble. Both situations require, IMO, an attempt to right the ship. Divorce Busting is a program geared to working in any situations. MLC or not, we still have to examine ourselves. MLC or not, we still have to change our destructive patterns. MLC or nor, we still have to identify patterns that work. MLC or not, we still have to make ourselves happy.
As I said in the post put on this thread by sg, one of the worst thing that happened to this board was the posting of the stages. This was not meant to dismiss the stages or the person who posted them. The post was meant to show how her situation fit with the stages (taken from the work of another counselor). The problem wasn't the stages but rather that the stages became the whole story and people change the focus from DB to MLC myopia. Also, a bit of a MLC cottage industry was formed around here in which a dissenting opinion or a challenge to content were shouted down. It also stopped people from looking within and that is not Divorce Busting. It is sad when you see people who have been at this stuff for years and still haven't looked in the mirror, or just as bad, have deluded themselves into thinking they did.
So sure, there is nothing wrong with having an idea what MLC is. But when it becomes the be all and end all it is no good. But as I said earlier, MLC or not, Divorce Busting is a worthy program. Saving your marriage or not, DB is a worthy program.
I think this is true and important to note--because it becomes THEIR problem exclusively and you do not own up to your share of the deal.
I have thought that I've created an atmosphere in which it was easy for H to have the MLC. I did not take care of myself emotionally because I was trying to please him all the time. He got used to his feelings being center stage and didn't have to think about me. The past year has actually been a series of steadily getting stronger for me.
I still have a lot of work to do, regardless of what happens w/M.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
We know something is not right with our spouses. We know them better than anyone else.
Whilst I agree with this somewhat, it has to be said if your spouse is truly MLC and I am doubtful that all who are labelled MLC are,it is truer to say the man we knew,we knew better than anyone else. People change-we all do it's inevitable our attitudes change as we go through life. I think for most of us our core values remain the same though. Many undergoing a MLC do not emerge the same people they were before. Yes we can wait the 2,4,6,8years whatever the current time guide is and still not see the spouse we married. If we have not made the changes we needed to make to ourselves, to become better people to be responsible for our own happiness whilst waiting/standing nothing will have changed and our marriage even if restored will still have the same problems that made the spouse leave in the first place. As LBS's there is a tendency to see the marriage with rose col. specs and view the OP as the devil incarnate. That may or maynot be true,we still need to do the work. Just maybe people who advise us to move on see characteristics in our spouses we never saw (but were there all along) because of those rose col specs. Imp's post still has the most excellent advice.
That is definitely a great post by IMP. I just wish I could figure out if I'm DBing or just standing, and how to let go of the fear! I think H is in MLC, but it doesn't really seem to matter at this point- gone is gone. I took responsibility for my part in the decline of our marriage, and I'm definitely doing things for myself- took up Kendo, am exercising more, got a new job- that part is all good, am definitely making myself happy. But H is still in the back of my mind with everything I do, and I am having a hard time letting go, especially with 2 small children that desperately want daddy back. I'll always be tied to him because of them, and will be dependent on him financially for some time, which is very scary for me. So am I DBing and standing, or just standing and stagnating- I don't know!! I believe I have lost a portion of my brain during this whole process...
Me 39 H 45 T13 M11 D6.5 S4 ILYBNILWY July 07 OW e-mails found 12/15/07 H moved out 3/15/08
Just a little point of reference. My bomb was July 2000 when I found emails (not snooping) which showed OM. I moved out Oct 2000 and was divorced by April 2001 (I know the divorce gave me certainty that many here do not have). So I will try to think back to July 2001.
Let me start at the end:
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I believe I have lost a portion of my brain during this whole process...
Not the grey matter, but you definitely do lose your mind to a certain extent. We are going through a grieving process. You can look it up and see the steps of the grieving process. (Those steps BTW formed the basis for the steps of MLC.) I can't think of anyone I know who has been through this who didn't feel as if they were losing their mind. And most of the people I know who lost spouses actually have a much easier time grieving. They have finality. We don;t. There is still a person lurking about.
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H is still in the back of my mind with everything I do, and I am having a hard time letting go
This is totally normal. I know even though I was divorced, I still hadn't let go. I did some dating but I was still standing to a certain extent. Also, none of the woman were suitable as partners for me. I do know when I met someone suitable, I was smart enough not to seek a relationship because I hadn't let go. That was very empowering. (But dern, I wish I had let go by that time...lol!)
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I took responsibility for my part in the decline of our marriage
Excellent. Actually, there may come a time when you are a bit more detached that you see more. At least that is how it worked with me. Even within the last few month, I recognized that I didn't always notice her insecurities. We met, hit it off, and married within a year and it was something I didn't fully recognize. I knew it was there, but not to the extent it was there.
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I'm definitely doing things for myself- took up Kendo, am exercising more, got a new job- that part is all good, am definitely making myself happy.
That is great stuff. You obviously read chapter 7!
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I just wish I could figure out if I'm DBing or just standing,
DBing means you keep trying. You can stand and DB at the same time and it does appear you are doing just that.
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I think H is in MLC, but it doesn't really seem to matter at this point- gone is gone.
Take a look at breton's thread titles something to the effect of how crazy are our spouses. She has an excellent klink there and it validates your thoughts in the passage quoted here.
KPK, I know how tough this is for you. we all do. But it is so important that you keep moving forward. You seem to have this figured out. Even when you make mistakes, you are moving forward because you are trying. If you make a mistake and learn from it, you are moving forward.
IMP - Many months ago, I read all of BFM's posts. Every one of them. In them, I found a lot of useful information that has helped me examine myself. I also noted some pretty sage advice, support and direction given by you to her during some pretty rough times.
For that, I thank you.
FW
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
This little thread has contained some oh so important points that need to be read again and again.
I'm on my way to D, about a year after I found this site. Of course I feel a sense of loss, but to make a long story short I feel the best years of my life are ahead of me. The key, as you say, is to work on yourself. It's hard, and painful at times, when you begin to honestly see and work on your own shortcomings and issues from childhood, but I have also experienced a wonderful feeling of liberation and possibility of a better future. It really is summed up in many ways in the shift from "unconscious" to "conscious." Be conscious of yourself, your wounds from childhood and earlier in life, and how they affect you. Be conscious of how others have been wounded, and what really makes them tick inside. Try to change what you want to change about yourself. Be conscious about what you want and need from a relationship. The road ahead is not all roses, of course, but we can come through the fire of a trial like this much healthier people in many respects if we take that leap instead of retreating into simply blaming our spouses or simply waiting and acting as if we are doing something.
IMP, your direct posts on some of my threads last fall really helped, and I have benefited greatly from reading some of your other posts here. So, thank you! It's almost time for fantasy football again!
