When a M breaks down and someone "walks", an emotional wall has been built up by both parties--esp. the departing spouse. This wall has been constructed slowly over time and serves to shield them from hurt, disappointment, and vulnerability. They feel and act distant and "cold". It is much easier for a WAW to "not get too close" emotionally than risk getting hurt by "falling back into the same old patterns" which caused her to construct the wall in the first place.
This will be intensely frustrating to you (as it is to all LBHs--as men we naturally have a "just fix it" mentality). Read Dr. Gary Chapman's books as he talks about this all the time. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do convince/cajole/compel her to "tear down her wall". All you can do is maximize the odds that she will choose to do it herself:
1) Tear down yours first (if you haven't already) 2) Incentivize her to do likewise by presenting the attractive package we discussed before (DB'ing, GAL'ing, 180'ing, etc). Even in the best of circumstances, she will be VERY reluctant and distrustful that you are "for real". She will probably "test the waters" repeatedly by approaching-then-withdrawing emotionally. Accept this and be patient and happy (I know that sounds crazy). Don't get upset or demanding for MORE and FASTER. 3) Avoid anything that smacks of pressure or criticism. Agree with everything she says sincerely...no matter how unfair, exaggerated, outlandish, and outrageous it seems (and it will). What you resist, PERSISTS and no one makes themselves emotionally available to someone who is pressuring, guilting, or disagreeing with them.
The OM/OR thing complicates this further and I'm so sorry. I don't know what religious/moral/ethical values you and your WAW subscribe to but I guarantee you she will find ways to justify and rationalize why it is "OK" for her to involve herself extra-maritally like saying/thinking "God wants me to be happy", "I wasn't looking for a R, it just happenned", "You broke your vows first by XXXXX", etc. Just AGREE. The more you tell her she can't/shouldn't do something, the more she will want to do it. The more you try to convince her how wrong she is, the more she will be driven to prove how right she is. You may have to wait until the R with the OM fizzles on its own for her to open to really thinking about the 2 of you in a new light.
You have frequent contact which is good because you have OPPORTUNITIES for her to see you in a new way. I know some WAWs here have written about how seeing their estranged H seemingly "move on" have shaken them to the point of realizing what they have to lose--don't know enough to recommend that or how to implement it, but you definitely have to show that you don't NEED her and will be fine and strong WITHOUT her.
