Well, tomorrow makes 8 weeks of separation, 8 weeks since my world blew up. I know this is only the beginning. I guess it doesn't hurt as much most of the time. D has somewhat gotten used to this and doesn't seem to be doing too badly. I'm a little more functional at work. H is somewhat more "friendly," and less inclined to punish me but I think it's only because I haven't pushed him on anything. We have another MC coming up this week to discuss how to support D thru this--altho H still doesn't seem to believe that his leaving will have much effect on her.
I can't say I've been doing much GAL'ing, if I'm honest with myself, but I've taken some baby steps. I still haven't found another job. I don't have much energy to do anything aside from putting one foot in front of the other and doing what absolutely needs to be done. I'm intensely lonely, haven't really developed a routine (but summer's often like that), don't have my house in order. I do have a better understanding of MLC, so my own situation seems less chaotic and less personal. I haven't lost my faith, altho it seems a bit harder to pray because it's harder to quiet my mind. I don't know if this is still limbo since H seems certain about what he wants, and that's not likely to change anytime soon. I don't know if he'll file once I "have my feet on the ground" with another job. No idea what's happening with OW because officially she doesn't exist. So much denial. I'm trying to detach; I think I've detached from feelings for H but I can't seem to detach from the desire to have my marriage back.
So can anyone tell me when I'll begin to feel alive again? When I don't feel like I'm in the middle of a crisis, and I can catch my breath?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hoosier, it is very early days for you yet. There is no time scale for how long it is before you feel able to catch your breath. One foot in front of the other is good. In time you will see things a little more clearly and start enjoying somethings. Just be kind to yourself for now, spend time with daughter and do some fun things together. Don't worry about H you have no control over him. One of the best bits of advice to me was fake it til you make it. I didn't thik it was really helpful but did it anyway then one day I suddenly realised I hadn,t thought of H all day and was actually laughing at something, real laughter not pretend. The letting go of the ideal of marriage is so hard, we wear rose coloured spectacles and often that was not reality. If we can go back and honestly examine what our marriage was, it helps us to make changes that will initially help us and also help us if/when our H return. Take care.
Thanks, naej. I've been doing a lot of "faking it til I make it." I am enjoying some things and acting like I'm enjoying most.
My marriage wasn't great, that's clear. Ultimately no emotional intimacy, and I wonder now just when this MLC began for H. Because he just hasn't been there emotionally for awhile. I had attributed it to external circumstances, then began to defend things in my own mind because of the horribly negative picture H painted as he left. Really, I've been aware of not seeking any emotional support from him for quite awhile. Now I have to separate what I'm seeing through angry glasses and what's been really happening. I know I've been filling up my own emptiness with other things--web surfing, shopping, work. I even knew it at the time, but H was just not available. So I don't want the old marriage back, but I would like to have a shot at a new one. I never got that opportunity because everything else was always more important lately; all I heard was that he pulled out emotionally 3 years ago and has been trying to talk himself into leaving for that long. He might have shared that with me--we could have done some work. But all he wanted to do was blame me for all the problems, because that's easier than looking into himself to see how he's contributed to them. And here we are. It just pisses me off that he's so depressed about leaving--it seems that, since he's been so destructive to D and me, at least he should be happy about his new life! I know that this is part of mlc, but geez--if he's so miserable why doesn't he come back and work it out? Rhetorical question. It's just that the irony is getting to me.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
When H picked up D today, I asked him to be a bit careful with money (we still have a joint account) until payday. He had had a rather large car repair bill, a vacation payment, and the therapy appointments; lately we've typically had some large bank fees for overdrafts because it's very difficult to manage a joint acct in the middle of this. This has always set him off, but I don't know how else to communicate these things; H just doesn't do money, has never managed his own bills, prefers not to deal with it. Except to spend it--and even now he's not overspending, he just refuses to keep track or keep records. Consequently we have never managed money well--it takes communication, and he refuses to do so. So of course he hit the ceiling again, yelling about how it's "like a sieve" and "I can't make any more money than I do." Typical nonsense. I don't spend wildly, especially now; therapy is expensive and we're all doing it, and we have a lot of debt. He really has no idea what the monthly bills are, and prefers not to know. I'm just afraid that he's going to make a big issue of this if/when we move to D--but I honestly have done nothing wrong, hidden no money, not spent irresponsibly. Any thoughts on this?
Also--we have another MC session later this week. Last time around wasn't terribly productive--we talked primarily about his visitation of D, since he had blown her off a few times. In the midst of it, the OW situation came up. MC said something along the lines of, in these situations we often have our own truths, but facts are facts and she needed to know if there was an OW. H lied and said "no, there is not." I confronted him after the session, as MC moved us on from there. Seems H doesn't like the word "affair," absolutely refuses to discuss it with me (but had a real issue about me drawing the line at D meeting OW--who doesn't exist?). I have a real problem with H lying during MC, blatantly lying when he knows that I know the truth. I think it's worth re-visiting, because I don't know that I can trust his input into this process if he's going to lie. He thinks I'm going to "bring it up in court," he keeps mentioning that he thinks I'm "trashing" him to D even tho I'm not and I've expressed how important it is to me that they have a positive relationship. More BS to place blame on me and deflect it from himself. So, opinions, please--should I bring up the lie from the past session in the upcoming one? And yes, I have proof, which I can bring with me if needed. Anyone?
Puppy, care to weigh in on this one? Thanks.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Absolutely, I think you should bring up the lie in the next MC appt. I think you should bring your proof, and insist that he tell the truth while MCing, otherwise you have no interest in the charade.
If he won't tell the truth, give your evidence to the MC, and walk out. Maybe she can deal with him.
I believe that getting the wayward spouse to TELL THE TRUTH is the FIRST STEP toward marital recovery. Until they're ready to end the deceit, there's really nothing to discuss.
Thanks, sg and Puppy. It seems H's back in the angry phase again--been on the warpath about money/spending. So might as well hit him now with the support of the MC. I am, unfortunately, somewhat dependent upon his income, at least until I find a job (mine runs out in ~6 weeks)and I'm aware he could be quite nasty about it, and I'd be up a creek--at least until I could afford a lawyer. But his irresponsibility with money (not overspending, just refusal to deal with it) contributed greatly to us being in this spot. But--it seems like he must feel at least a little bit guilty about OW, or it wouldn't be such a secret from everyone; the most it seems he's said is that he "reconnected" with an old friend. So pushing in this area, at least to get it out in the open, might not be a bad thing. MC did ask for facts last time, and he lied about there being "someone else." Doesn't like the word "affair," but what else would you call it when he's talking with OW about spending the rest of their lives together?
We're not doing MC at this point to work on our R, but rather to support D as much as possible. He's not the least bit interested in recovery, he's done. However, if he's lying about this to MC, how do I know what else he may lie about?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I had some success in tacking the tack with my wife of "Look, I don't care anymore what you think about ME, but I DO care about what you're telling our kids. No matter if we move forward as husband and wife, or as EX-husband and -wife, working amicably to raise our kids, I will NOT allow our family to knowingly tell lies to each other. We've never raised our kids that way, and I can't for the life of me understand why you're accepting anything less from yourself. Either tell them the truth, NOW, or I will, and I will show them the evidence I have."
Within the hour, and after more than two months of nothing but DECEIT, she finally told our adult daughters and her parents the truth about the nature of her relationship with OM.
Maybe if you can take YOU out of the equation temporarily, by saying "Look, I don't care about 'us' right now . . . ", you can get him to call a spade a spade.
