I am so sorry that I do not have a way to take away your anxiety and pain. All I can tell you is that if you hold still and keep pulling weeds {that is truly the best thing} it will relent.
Please do what you would be doing if things weren't horrifying. Practice waiting out the uneasy feelings. Anytime you feel halfway decent at all, pay attention and fan that.
Bad feelings seem to come in waves. All I know about surviving, I have learned the hard way. Keep distracting yourself by noticing what is good. It seems that your husband is mostly decent and not too unkind. Reinforce that by being your best self, too.
I will read backward. Meanwhile, know that lots of people do care about you and your family.
First of all I am sorry for your pain. I think all on this board know it to well.
It sort of takes a hold of you sometimes and you physically feel it when you take a breath, or feel that dull pain around your heart.
It physically takes a toll.
I am sorry about that. I have not read all of your situtation. I am not good on giving advice on standing. I am divorced. I am not one of the "success" stories that the people that have arrived here not to long ago, are looking for.
I will tell you one thing.
That pain, that seems like it will never ever go away. Does.
I wish I can tell all the wonderful people that come on here,
Hey, this is not the worst thing that will every happen to you.
Please don't "waste" the days hurting over someone that has left you.
Please DO spend the days loving and finding your self again. Please DO spend the days loving your children like you never have before.
I wish you can see all of this, as such a gift you have been given.
A second chance at life if you will. God has shaken things up in your life for a reason. Please try and see it as a blessing, even when it hurts so damn much you can't breathe.
You will become such a butterfly.
You will become such a different person. Someone that you forgot about.
Wake up every day, and thank God for your wonderful life, b/c under all this muck, there is this certain beauty.
A freeing beauty. A time to make your own decisions, a time to make your home like you want it, a time to take a class and learn something new that you never thought you would have before.
Instead of wondering where he is, and instead of wondering if you did something a certain way, that will make him think a certain way. You can wonder, what is it that I want to do today, without having to feel any pressure from anyone.
I wish i could fast forward all of this pain for everyone, so you don't waste the time pouring your heart and soul into someone besides yourself.
It is YOUR blessing, that this has happened. This is YOUR chance to live your life to the fullest. This is YOUR chance to make your mark.
All of this is very new, and it takes time. I am sorry for your lost and gutted feeling. I really am, i remember them all to well.
But I promise you, you will laugh and smile and be happy again. If your H comes back to you, it will be an addition to your already wonderful life.
Much love and peace to you
Last edited by Lissie; 07/21/0801:05 AM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Anyway I'm taking some proactive steps at work to ensure I can stay at the administration building where I'm at
I have posted on a secretarial job, part time and I'll suggest about filling it in with a part time custodial position to keep my pay as full time pay.
In other words I won't go away without a fight! (I have the full support of my boss, the superintendant and the director! Woho!)
I just have to justify my position and decisions and hopefully everything works in my favor.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me.
As for H .....Hmmm all is quiet from that side.
I am focusing on my job for right now and I have good vibes.
Ahhhh...it's good to be back to Me again.
E
Last edited by enlightenbylife; 07/23/0811:05 AM.
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
H left a message on my work phone to call him about S19 schooling. S needs police check and medical tests so that he can work in hospitals and nursing homes.
Anyway I figured that since H is off work he could take him and pay for all of the tests.
No problem he did and then leaves me a message as to why he has to go for all of these tests. I heard the same "tone" that I was so used to when I had to walk on eggshells around him and I decided I didn't want to listen to him be "short" so I didn't return the call.
That was 5 days ago. I called him yesterday because I wanted to...
It went something like this....
E hi there
H hi
E what's up
H just getting up
E I know aren't vacations great
H uhh yea
E I just was calling because I didn't want you to think that I only call because I need something
H oh (he never was a morning person )
E how was your trip?
H good
E good I'm glad you had a nice time.. and the kids had fun too
H yea, how was your trip?
E we had fun. the driving was hilarious. It was a girlly road trip , that's for sure
H thats good
Then he asked about S19's school and why all these tests.
We talked about stuff how I had gotten a new weedwhipper and it's a pretty good one, so I'm told.
Talked about the yard which used to be his therapy and I asked him questions about how to do this and that although I do know how to do it I wanted him to feel needed.
He said the yard looks good. I thanked him and told him about how I sit still and watch the birds while the dog watches and chases. It's funny and relaxing too.
He said a few things about when he came over to pick S up and the dog was rubbing her head on his leg and wanted him to pet her.I could definatley tell he misses her.
I asked him how his house was coming and he said he's tired of working on it. I told him to stop by for a coffee and he said it wouldn't be today. I said that's ok I have some running around to do because I'm having a bar-b-que tommorrow.
I bet he was flipping in his shoes as this is one thing that used to freak me right out. 180 big time!!
When we would have people over he would do the bulk of the job because he wanted it his way and now I'm doing this all alone and I'm fine.
It will not be fancy but it will be fun and a nice visit with friends.
He said he had fish for me if I'd like it.
Sure anytime he has fish I'll take it. He said he would drop it off.
He talked about my job and I told him that I was working on it and that I had a few things in the works...for him not to worry.
About son's ride to school....not to worry we'll figure things out and it will all fall into place.
We talked some more for probably about 15 - 20 min and I was all positive... because really that is how I'm feeling right now.
He was going to leave and I interupted him with another question about the yard. He saiad he would drop me off some stuff to kill the weeds.
I said I had to go because I had some running around to do.
He thanked me for calling and I said NP cya
30 sec later the phone rings,it's him. He asked if I wanted the fish for the bar b que and I said no that it was on saturday and that I didn't want to share it anyway
He said ok and that he would drop it off.
I felt really good about the phone call and It seems as though he is hurting.
I have a question?
Do I let him come to me?
What next?
I like Jack's analogy of the squirrel in the park and if you read this Jack can we please talk.
I really could use some opinions.
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
) 