I hope this is what "peeking" looks like!

[enlightenbylife]

Thanks Flicka,

When the bomb dropped I thought how could I have been so blind and trusting.

But that is who I am. Genuine and trusting not fake.

Now since the bomb I'm afraid to be genuine because I"m afraid of what will come back at me.

I want to be me but I also want to do what is right.Sometimes the internal struggle is hard to see the difference.

I want to give him space and for that matter i need the space too.What I'm afraid of is it being interpeted as distant and aloof or not caring.

I do care and and I do still love him and i'll be honest when I say I'm waiting for him to return.I know I should't but I'm being honest.

I ask the kids what he did up on their vacation. I know I shouldn't but I care.

You see I do care but I'm putting off different vibes to him.

And this is where I struggle.

I have heard him sobbing in his room before he moved out and I have heard him lie through his teeth about things we had planned for our future.

It's easy to forget the bad times when you want him back.

He still pays the bills in the house here and I don't know if it is because it is cheaper than alimony and what he would owe me or he genuinaly cares.

Is he doing it because he doesn't want to let go or he doesn't want to pay?

I don't know...I really don't know.

Besides all of that this week will mark the anniversary of the confirmation of the affair.

I feel gutted.