she says things like "I still can't tell you things"
Why does she say this? Is there something in the way that you respond to what she says that makes her think she cannot talk to you? Because, you see, if you are dragging this ball and chain of needing your relationship back right now with you into your conversations, maybe that's making you RESPOND to what she says, instead of just LISTENING.
To be honest, anytime she says "those things" that hurt you, you should be saying something like "I'm understand that you feel as though you were never attracted to me. I don't believe that's true, but I really don't want to talk about these things right now. Let's change the subject."
See, I think the problem is that you DO want to talk about those things. But you don't like the answers she gives you because they hurt and you don't agree with them.
Basically you're beating your head against the wall.
You're trying to have an honest conversation about your relationship with a woman who has emotionally checked out of the relationship and already firmly convinced herself that her decision was right.
You don't WIN that conversation.
You get your ass handed to you and go away with your tail between your legs.
You still don't get this. You insist on putting the CART before the HORSE.
Your wife has decided that you are not what she thought she was getting.
Maybe parts of that are right, but we know that for the most part this is wrong thinking on her part. We also know that whatevver problems the two of you were having, they were more than fixable if both of you had committed to fixing them.
Doesn't matter.
And she doesn't want to hear that.
You have to SHOW her a new man. And you have to do it over time and you have to be terribly consistent about it.
Not for days. Not for weeks. At least a few months of solid, consistent behavior that shows you to be BEYOND the drama between the two of you.
That's why we keep telling you the same thing over and over again. Quit trying to get her to address the issues. You can't MAKE her do that. In her mind the issues are settled!
Go back and read the books. Find anywhere in there where it says if you just find the right words and the right atmosphere, you will make your spouse UNDERSTAND.
You won't find it.
And this...
Quote:
I thought about a hybrid of the next time she asks me to do something, I say I'm not really interested because she's not able to talk to me.
Petty, vindictive, controlling, and extremely "little boy" like.
If you had even just stopped at the word "interested" we would have had something to work with.
It's ok to turn down an invitation. It shows that your life does NOT revolve around her and hearing from her.
There's no real need for you to go dark.
Go dark is NOT, I repeat NOT detaching.
Detaching says that I have finally realized that this is HER deal, not mine. I didn't fully cause it, it's not even particularly rational given the issues that were involved. These things she says are NOT true, but justifications she has created for her decision.
Detaching says I realize all that now. Therefore, her words can no longer hurt me, because I see them for what they are. Her actions can no longer hurt me, because I realize they are further manifestations of her faulty thinking about how she will find happiness.
Detaching says now that I am free of being in bondage to HER words and actions, I am free to JUST BE ME. In everything. In all interactions with her.
Assuming of course you've cleaned up YOUR act regarding the things in the marriage that needed worked on.
Look, you continue on this path, you will create the very future that you DO NOT want, and even accelerate the process.
What have you SHOWN, not SAID, what have you SHOWN your wife that she should find different and suddenly attractive about you.
Because make no mistakes.
DB'ing is like Missouri. It's a "SHOW ME" deal all the way.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
