H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

I can't see my IC for another week and a half and I'm falling apart because I found dozens of chat transcripts of my H having cybersex and saying "I Love You" to the OW. I can't snoop anymore; it's too damaging to me personally. So I'm not going to do it. Although now my imagination is running wild.

LHF,
I hear ya--I've been there too. Although in my case what I found was pictures (screen shots) of cybersex w/OW on Second Life, and e-mails/text messages with ILY between the two of them, and intimate details of RL sex between them in the flesh. Oh, yeah, and erotic videos H made of himself that he has certainly never showed *me*. Only time I've seen him naked since the bomb--and the first time I've ever seen him masturbate.

It hurts so much that you just want to scream or cry or be violent all the time, and yet for DB purposes you have to smile and be pleasant to the [expletive deleted]. You KNOW you shouldn't snoop, that it's bad all arond, but you're driven by the *NEED to know the truth* since expecting him to tell you the truth about it would be a complete fantasy. It's soooo hard to get yourself to stop snooping, and you'll do okay for a while and then give in to temptation again. I think I finally have myself stopped, but it took about six months and a complete change of attitude. I no longer snoop for three reasons:
-- I know how bad it is for me and my mental and emotional well-being, and for the relationship (what little there is of it), especially if he catches me (as he did with his e-mail that he left open by accident a month ago);
-- The stuff I've already found has been so bad that there's not much potential for anything worse;
-- This goes along with the previous reason--In a certain respect, I don't really care what he does any more. My worst nightmares have already come true (for the most part)--I know he's having sex with, and thinks he's in love with, another woman. I can only think of a few things that would be worse, and none of them would be that *much* worse at this point. So I'm somewhat numb to his antics now. My emotions are just worn out with respect to him. Things that nearly sent me over the edge at the beginning now get maybe a sigh from me (and I'm not talking about the reactions that I present to him; I mean what I really feel). Unfortunately, one can get used to anything. And I'm now used to the alien living in my house.

So don't beat yourself up for snooping. It's normal. It will definitely be better all around if you stop, but it may take a while for you to fully internalize that and resist the temptation.

Can you arrange to see your IC early? I know mine has said that she is available in emergencies, and it sounds like this qualifies for you. I know that every time I would find some new horror (which sometimes happened by accident, not through snooping), I would feel so upset that I wanted to jump out of my skin. I woke up a few friends in the middle of the night (with their okay beforehand) to cry on their shoulders during these periods.

I would definitely not encourage R talk if I were in your situation (which I more or less am anyway, although my H keeps indicating interest in discussions periodically, and I decline). I get either minimal politeness or anger from H--those are the only settings on his emotional dial these days, at least with me--I know he goes beyond that with other people.

I don't do a lot of backsliding, but if I do, I always know about it immediately by his anger, and even then I sometimes can't figure out what happened to upset him--I don't think it's always me. He has a very short temper in general these days. I'm generally like Teflon with him--whatever he does or says, I let it slide off of me and don't react to him with anything other than calm and courtesy. I don't let anything he does rile me or stick to me, at least in my interactions with him. He has admitted to no guilt, no remorse, and no concern for me since all this began. The closest he has come is to tell me how confused he is. He seems to blame me for everything in his life that is not perfect and has said things like "I don't know if I can forgive you for what you've put me through." To which I want to say, "Shouldn't I be saying that to YOU??!"

It seems like MLCers just completely have their heads in the sand (or stuck elsewhere ), and there's nobody home to talk to, or if there is, he's like Uncle Scrooge on downers. It's good that your H is attached to your D--maybe that will help keep him there until the little green men return his brain.

I must take a shower and get dressed and get some small portion of my piles of work started, but I send you lots of hugs and strength in your situation. It's rough all over, no question about it, and it seems to go on forever, but at least we all have each other here on the board for support and advice. Someone I know who went through this with her first H many years ago said that when she drove up to her house, she would say to herself, "This is fantasy now," and when she drove away, she would say to herself, "Now I'm getting back into reality." I do try to remind myself that he is in la-la land and if he is making sense on occasion, that's gravy.

Take care of yourself, and stay in touch. Strength and courage, LHF!

Peace,
Dawn