Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

The difficulty I have is that we live in a small town. A *very* small town. hell, it's not even a town, it's a freaking village. And we've lived here for 20+ years, ingrained ourselves into the fabric of the community, are prominent members of a church, are involved in scouting, I was a teacher in a local district, etc. We are known, and known as a couple.

It would have been literally impossible to leave out the details of my wife's adultery, since she suddenly disappeared from events with me and began appearing at spots with "Barney Rubble." She just started showing up at places and events with her boyfriend and expected everyone to accept him as a different version of me. She was chagrined to find out that our community wasn't as "open-minded" as she had hoped. If that makes her less likely to reconcile, I can't control that. It is part of the consequences of her selfish actions.

I have made my desire to reconcile known to our friends and family, but I will not make excuses for her or dismiss her actions publicly as a "rough patch" in our relationship. That is dishonest and makes me a doormat. What she did and is doing is wrong by any measure, and she cannot reasonably expect to have people who knew/know us approve of what she is doing. She did not "make a mistake," she made a choice, and she must deal with some of the consequences of that choice (including public disapproval), because God knows that my children and I are dealing with them.

I'm moving on, making changes in my own life, and getting stronger. I hope and pray that my wife decides to return, which is part of the reason we're in counseling, but I'm not depending upon it, nor will I sacrifice my soul/dignity for it. We've made a point of establishing, continuing, and strengthening the friendship between us. Between the changes I try to keep making in my life, the work I'm putting into how my wife and I communicate, and making sure that my children's needs are met, my time is full. How members of my community choose to respond to my wife's behavior and her reactions to it are beyond my control and are not something on which I will spend energy.

Make no mistake - I want a reconciliation, but not an ANY cost.