Confused and Bewildered

[pisces9]

what did he say when you did all that?

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks so much Changed! I needed to hear that.

Well, I'm not sure what will result, but he isn't that upset. He was really out of it that night when I called (I had woken him up), and I was sobbing like a maniac because I felt so awful about it all. He ended up being more worried about me, and actually talked to my best friend about it the other day because of how upset about it I was.

So we talked yesterday during the day, and he said "I'm not even that upset that you have access, because I know there isn't anything in there bad for you to see"... then I apologized profusely again. So then I brought up the response he had sent to my friends email. I asked him if he really hadn't felt anything had been different the last several days. HE said I was reading way too much into things. That the icecream invite was because D6 asked, and it wasn't anything big. That the sex had been nice, but just sex. That yes, he puckered up his lips to kiss me back but what else was he going to do....blah blah blah. I reminded him that I had tried to kiss him several times over the last 3 1/2 months and he NEVER kissed back until the other night. Anyway......... he just proceeded to knock down every bit of hope I had.

So then last night he came and got the girls to go out to dinner. He called me before hand to tell me he was taking them out for dinner and a playdate. So then I said."are you trying to avoid seeing me?" (because his week night visits are ALWAYS here at the house) and he said. "I guess, sort of. I just think for today we need to stop discussing things". Then he said that we'd be able to talk after he brought them home and got them to bed.

So he got them to bed ,came in my room and we proceeded to talk. I asked if he hated me, and he said no. Then after a long pause of like 5 minutes that felt like 20, I finally said " did I just ruin everything?" to which he said."no". Then I said..... well, I feel like I had about a 1% chance before of saving this marriage with you ,and now after the email fiasco it's probably 0%. To which he said......"you can't think of it like that. You can't think in percentages and stuff."

So really ,I have no idea what he was saying. But didn't want to keep big talk going so didn't really ask for clarification. So when I asked if I ruined everything, I meant, ruined any chance for us. I hope THAT is what he was answering No to.

But he told me like he had told my friend that nothing has changed, he feels nothing still. So why has he not filed? Is it just he hasn't had a chance with his work schedule, is he confused, is he trying to delay only for me??

God, I just want him to get in this fight with me. Why don't they see that. Just GET in the FIGHT!

He's working a big music festival this weekend, so no overnights for the girls this weekend (yay!). So we won't see him until Monday. He'll come out early, and then I go to my first visit with the new counselor I'm trying on Monday.

He did make a comment to me during our talking yesterday on the phone though where he basically said, that I need to stop doing everything for HIM and with the though of trying to save us. That I need to start thinking about myself and the girls. That this isn't healthy etc. Which I sort of get, I mean that is the point of GAL etc, but at the same time, I told him.... "This fight IS as much for me as it is for you, and for this marraige. I would NOT be being true to my values, my ideals, my vows I made to you, and to God if I dropped this fight. So while yes the end result I would pray would be for us to be reunited, this fight and journey is as MUCH about me as it is about you".

I was honestly a bit surprised that he viewed so much that everything right now revolves around him. I mean, honestly........ it does. Not a minute during my day goes by without thinking about this mess. I'm heartbroken, but I guess I'm not keeping much of a poker face. I need to get more GALing going on I guess.

I just don't know where to go from here. LRT, Dark, give up.......what? His actions are just so confusing to me right now.

Chris

[klm]

Chris, as an outsider looking in....I really don't think things are as bad as you think. He just needs some time to work through all this and you need to give him that space. You are still trying to convince him of how he "should" feel. The more you do that, the more he is going to fight it. Don't point out the progress to him, just let it be.

So we talked yesterday during the day, and he said "I'm not even that upset that you have access, because I know there isn't anything in there bad for you to see"

I think that is huge. He is just going through something. He isn't lying, he isn't hiding things, and there is no OW. He just needs some time.

So why has he not filed? Is it just he hasn't had a chance with his work schedule, is he confused, is he trying to delay only for me??

Who cares why at this point? It just buys you time. If you start demanding to know why, you may push him to do it. I speak from experience on that one.

To which he said......"you can't think of it like that. You can't think in percentages and stuff."

He is absolutely right. You are over analyzing and you will drive yourself crazy doing that.

He did make a comment to me during our talking yesterday on the phone though where he basically said, that I need to stop doing everything for HIM and with the though of trying to save us. That I need to start thinking about myself and the girls.

Again, he is right. He needs to see you doing these things. THEN maybe he will join in the fight.

I just don't know where to go from here. LRT, Dark, give up.......what? His actions are just so confusing to me right now.

I don't think you need to go dark or LRT and especially not give up. You just need to give him space hon. You need to lay off the R talks. You are smothering him. Let him go. Letting go does not mean giving up. Don't point out the positives to him.

Chris, I really think your H is a good man. I have never read anything bad that you have written about him. He loves those girls and he cares, just give him a chance to miss you.

[pisces9]

Chris- i agree...he is really opening up to you and telling you something..you need to HEAR him and take ACTION..that will SHOW him what he needs to see.

he is opening up to you- but you need to stop the R talks and the self defeating behavior...no more pity talks with him ....

when he see show strong you are he will be relieved...

He is in his fight with you- but he will not fight WITH you...he is opening up to your friend as a cry for help...

the guilt could make him run away further....please do something for YOU...

can you list what those are? fun things? things you always wanted to do? something tiny...doesnt have to be HUGE....mani/pedi, gym class, new hobby , art, music, food, festival, friends?

try it all- i have to force myself to do these things when i DONT want to and i feel better after i fget my A@@ out of the house


((((((Chris))))

[7 Year Itch]

You know Kris, he really is a good person. That's what is so frustrating. I feel in some ways like it would be easier if I COULD hate him ,but I can't. He's hurt, and feels defeated. And nothing I do or say seems to change a thing.

I know you are both right, and I need to let it go. God, it's just so hard, and goes against everything I feel.

The thing is, is I DO do a lot for myself. So I guess I"m not sure what he is seeing, or what he would need to see. I volunteer at my church, I take my girls for social things with friends several times each week, I'm going on a 3 day weekend scrapbook retreat in a few weeks with friends to the mountains, I have made sure to plan fun nights with friends each time he's had the girls for overnights. I do do stuff. I'm working out (can't afford a gym right now, so it's at home). I've done a TON of home improvement over the last 3 months (painted my bedroom, livingroom, trim on the house, and stained 2 decks). In a way I'm BUSIER now than before, because I hate not having stuff to do.

An before the split, he for sure should not have seen being my life. I volunteered at my church, my daughters school, ran the kids to all their practices, events etc. Design digital scrapbook kits for sale on 3 different internet sites, went out with friends. I'm not this "my husband is my life and identity" sort of girl. So I Really don't know where that is coming from, or what he wants to see.

I just don't know. I want a magic crystal ball. IT would make it SO much easier to know if the end was good or not. And I know, I konw.... DB is supposed to be for us, blah blah blah. BUt you know............. I am doing it for my marriage. I will be capable of doing nice things for myself, I always have. I do do fun things with friends ,and have hobbies etc. I AM DBing for my marriage and not for myself, I admit it.

UGH.

Chris

[klm]

Sweetie, DBing for your marriage is not a bad thing.

And nothing I do or say seems to change a thing.

Alright Chris, I am going to have to disagree here. I think things have come a long way. He hasn't been bringing up the D and that is huge. The problem is that you are trying to convince him how he should feel. You can't do that. Right or wrong, he is entitled to his feelings

I know you are both right, and I need to let it go. God, it's just so hard, and goes against everything I feel.

I think that is why DBing is so hard to grasp. It goes against what we feel should work and what our normal reactions are. R talks are draining and if you keep having them then he is going to avoid you. It will happen in time.

Don't make him feel guilty. I think he feels that way enough on his own....and you don't want him to come back because of guilt...you want him to come back because he WANTS to.

Hang in there. I think you are doing fine with GAL, just back off the R talks.

[7 Year Itch]

Thanks Kris and Pisces.

I hope you are right. I just do NOT feel nearly as optimistic as I did pre the whole email fiasco. Ugh.

Well, he will be coming by tomorrow morning ,says he's hoping to be here by 7am (EARLY) to be with the girls all day. He didn't get any overnights this weekend due to work, and the girls are in VBS this whole week and it's at night, so he'll be with them all day tomorrow before I take them to VBS tomorrow night. I meet with my new counselor tomorrow morning, so I'll be leaving around when they do for the pool, then I'll probably try to run a few errands before I come home. I'm going to ask him not to have them out running all day, or they'll be wiped for VBS from 6-8. So if he comes home in the afternoon to let D2 nap, it'll just be me, him and D6. She usually watches some TV while D2 naps, so we may have an hour or so of just us interaction.

I've GOT to find a way to keep R talk out. The sucky thing is, is it seems like every time I resolve NOT to, he then drops the D word again, or something that totally gets me worked up. Hopefully it can totally be avoided tomorrow.

I swear, I think I could do this DB thing SO much more effectively without kids. It's just so dang hard to see my girls hurting, and since they are primarily with me, I'm getting all the meltdowns and sad talks etc. Had another one before bed with D6 tonight, and it just breaks my heart.

I think that is where my stupid R talks come from and the urgency I feel so much of the time stems from. I just want to fast forward, for him to be back home and for stuff to be good and take this pain away from them. I can stand it as awful as it is, and I could go for the long haul alone ,but how long do we live in limbo land with the girls? I just don't know.

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

Oh a quick HAPPY thing to report. My D2 is potty trained! WOO HOO!! Oh my gosh was this a much better experience then training our first. I think it's because I waited until later this time, and just did a fail swoop attempt. Just told her she was a big girl and it was time for underwear now, and boom...... no more diapers! She had accidents at EVERY time for 4 days straight and I thought ,crud this isn't happening, but then something clicked on day 5 and we are now on a full week of being probably 98% trained! WOO HOO!!

I swear it seemed to go on for MONTHS with our first. So at least in the midst of everything ,if that can be done, and I can say she is trained when looking for daycare next month, that will be one thing off of me.

Chris

[pisces9]

chris-

when he says D or anything all you have to do is say ok or even just stay quiet and see what he says- my H said this one month ago and i wanted to throw myself in front of a car inside, yet on the outside o was calm and quiet and just let him talk..i just said ok...later in the talk i said if thats what you want i trust your decision...then he never brought it up again....im sure if i would have reacted poorly and lost it he would have felt defensive and said it more..its weird but for some reason it works. i got that advice from here and DR book.

what are your plans for when you interact with him tomorrow? you can make it very good! PMA and another thing that helped me was self fulfilling prophecy- if i thin the worst it will happen- BUT if i think the BEST that will happen too

im happy your D is potty trained- what a relief- big girl undies..so cute


also- look at advice from wise DB'ers in the top section of forums- there is a link that says you can make it through today and your emotions dont need to lead the way....also only you can know when its over and LIMBO land is too much- limbo SUCKS and is hard but the alternative is worse in my opinion....what do you think?

(((chris)))

[7 Year Itch]

OK, I"m really going to try to get this DB thing down. I'm a slow learner what can I say.

well, I really clicked with the new T today! And get this..... he is VERY familiar with DB and Michelle's teachings etc, and totally thinks they are very valid, and a good thing for me to continue trying.

He gave me a task. At those times I'm feeling vulnerable, or overly sad and emotional about it all, and I want to talk to H, he wants me to journal about it. He wants me to do this each time so we can start to figure out the "triggers" of what changes my moods etc.

He TOTALLY got the depression thing with me, he really got everythign. And not in a "I will blindly validate everything you say" sort of way, but in a way that really made me feel like I actually DO have a brain, and I'm not a bad person.

He basically told me to continue with the 180's, and that I should set some boundaries with H. That I'll feel better about things, and it will send a message of strength to H. He said regarding sex since it was a 180 for me, that it was up to me on whether or not I should continue that with H or not. He just suggested that I don't do it EACH time H initiates. Don't turn him down a lot ,but keep him guessing ,shake it up a bit. So if that ever comes up again ,I'll see if I'm strong enough to do that.

So I don't see him for 2 more weeks (he was WAY booked up, and it took me over a month to finally get in with him) but after my next visit he's got me on Mondays on a regular basis, so that will be good. We really clicked.

And I actually left there feeling hopeful, instead of like the last C where I actually left just feeling spent and exhausted, and hopeless.

So we'll see.

He's here right now visiting the girls. D2 is napping right now, and he and D6 are downstairs watching a movie. They are visiting here today because the girls are in VBS this week ,so I have to leave with them to take them there this evening. They are in it until Wed. so since it's at night, and he works, he won't be out again until Thursday.

Going to try to focus more on the job hunt, and TRY really really hard to detach more from him right now. Not in a going dark sort of way, but I just need to try not to think about this 24/7. C today said what many on here have said.......... it doesn't matter what he says,..... he's been saying he's going to file "soon or tomorrow" for over a month, yet he hasn't. So I can't just sit in fear waiting for it. I have to take control.

So I"m going to try more.

I did get a couple new pretty bras that H saw when I came home (while I was unpacking the bag) after my C appt. With all the weightloss, I'm on fumes with clothes, and everything is huge. But bras, well they are one thing that sort of HAVE to fit! LOL

Chris