Its likley too early to expect her to be thinking about reconcile at all, BUT...I have to warn you NOW so you don't screw this up :
1. If she ever says she wants to meet to discuss her possibly reconciling or suggests it in convo do NOT LEAP. 2. If she shows any sign of pursuit (her thank you is a VERY MILD persuit on her part, but I mean something more explicit) just act casual. 3. If she tries to kiss you, just act casual. Let her, but then pull away. You want her to pursue a bit...you MUST keep that space in there until the other man is out of hte picture.
Any time she moves forward and gets too close, you have to put some space in there again. Thats what you being cool now and not pressuring her has done. You gave her some space. Until OM is gone you have to keep some space in there, EVEN when SHE doesn't want it there. Keep the space there so you both can breathe, otherwise SHE will end up running away on you.
Let her breathe, even when she doens't look like she wants to.
Be nice, tell her please, thank you, everything's great, but that you would like both of you to meet with your pastor to talk things through before getting any closer, something like that.
IF she asks...but never initiate that. Let her lead the dance for now. Just watch her and move as she does, leaving enough room between you to breathe...again much like a dance....keep some space in there.
thanks everyone....as much as i love to put on the rose colored shades, i know nothing is changing for the time being....i'm just staying back...i don't have to worry about the kissing or the reconciling; its way too soon for that stuff. but who knows? maybe seeing me all the time and not ever kissing me has made her miss it? not going to dwell on it though. i'm not dying from not being kissed
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Its likley too early to expect her to be thinking about reconcile at all, BUT...I have to warn you NOW so you don't screw this up :
1. If she ever says she wants to meet to discuss her possibly reconciling or suggests it in convo do NOT LEAP. 2. If she shows any sign of pursuit (her thank you is a VERY MILD persuit on her part, but I mean something more explicit) just act casual. 3. If she tries to kiss you, just act casual. Let her, but then pull away. You want her to pursue a bit...you MUST keep that space in there until the other man is out of hte picture.
Any time she moves forward and gets too close, you have to put some space in there again. Thats what you being cool now and not pressuring her has done. You gave her some space. Until OM is gone you have to keep some space in there, EVEN when SHE doesn't want it there. Keep the space there so you both can breathe, otherwise SHE will end up running away on you.
Let her breathe, even when she doens't look like she wants to.
Be nice, tell her please, thank you, everything's great, but that you would like both of you to meet with your pastor to talk things through before getting any closer, something like that.
IF she asks...but never initiate that. Let her lead the dance for now. Just watch her and move as she does, leaving enough room between you to breathe...again much like a dance....keep some space in there.
Buster,
Just wanted to reiterate what Mark said here. It's IMPERATIVE that you don't overplay your hand, or -- as the guy who used to tutor me called it -- "go all needy/grabby on her."
Just keep doing what you're doing, until the OM is out of the picture.
here's something......W went to atlantic city overnight yesterday/today.....called while i was at mass/confession a few times.....was worried about our son i guess since i didn't answer. called her when I got out, and she started to cry as the conversation was nearing, at this point she was sobbing but playing it off so I said "well you know you can always talk to me about anything. have a nice time at the beach." and with that we hung up. wonder what that was all about ? she said she was having a great time.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
here's something......W went to atlantic city overnight yesterday/today.....called while i was at mass/confession a few times.....was worried about our son i guess since i didn't answer. called her when I got out, and she started to cry as the conversation was nearing, at this point she was sobbing but playing it off so I said "well you know you can always talk to me about anything. have a nice time at the beach." and with that we hung up. wonder what that was all about ? she said she was having a great time.
1. You stayed back and waited for her to initiate anything 2. You let her know you werne't tuning her out and that you were available.
She's under a lot of stress right now (not trying to ask you to sympathize, just realize her head's really messed up) and she likley will have a few meltdowns and tantrums. Just keep playing the mature guy who's caring for her son. She will have no choice but to eat it up.
I think you can see the effect being mature and loving has on a spouse rather than yelling or grovelling...she's breaking down instead of putting up a wall.
She may have had a fight with OM, who knows. Patience is your best weapon right now.
The first new times she opens up it may just be sobbing and no intelligible content. Eventually if you are supportive through that it will get deeper and she will begin to talk.
You just have to keep up what you are doing...making damn sure she gets to see what you're doing so it wears on her conscience.
When you get calls like that it could be one of serveral things:
1. She's having a meltdown from all the stress. A good sign. 2. She had a fight with OM. A good sign. 3. Her conscience is beating her up, and your efforts are tearing down the wall of anger she built up. It's a good sign.
If she was at her lawyers and sobbing I might go with something else, but on a vacation spot those three above are most likely.
Hmm...i think if she seems in a good mood and receptive mention it casually, but don't make a huge thing of it...its something nice to throw at her. Just make sure its a very lean bone. You throw thanksgiving dinner at her and she will just get stressed out and run.
gauge her mood before trying that one. If she is watching you and seems relaxed then mention it in the middle of something, subtely.
You really have to try not to push her over the top here. She knows you are trying, she knows you care about her, show can see change in you. But you have to let her come to you.
i went to our house today and cleaned and mowed the lawn.......not going to tell her i did it (surprise). bad storm here and i think she's driving back from NJ, hope she's ok.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
