I want to continue to make my W smile when she's around me
What makes her smile Neil? Why did she smile when you were together? Are there other things that would make her smile?
I think what you're really saying is that you'd like your wife to see you and smile because she's happy that you're there.
So the question is, what do you need to do in your interactions with her that would make her HAPPY to see you? And maybe that involves also considering what kind of behaviors from you make her unhappy to see her.
I want to continue to increase her confidence and comfortableness in talking to me
Talking to you about what Neil? Just things in general, or things specific to the relationship between the two of you?
The first one will be easier than the second. What are you learning about communication and being an active listener? Showing her that you are interested in what she has to say, and are capable of really listening actively are the things that will make her WANT to talk to you about things.
Sharing her feelings about your relationship will only come when you've succesfully accomplished the first kind of communication. And remember, you're NOT pressing for relationship talk at this time anyway - in fact I would submit that you would do well to AVOID relationship talk for a while yet.
I want to increase the amount of QT I spend with her and the girls together
More days like the one at the pool will make this happen. Show her, as you did that day, that you can enjoy the moment as a family and not turn the day into "Neil and Wife time to get things fixed" and I believe she will be open to spending time as a family.
Very important here to not get caught in the trap of making suggestions or extending invitations with expectations on her response. Remember that she will cycle emotionally and will not always respond favorably.
You offer ideas (hopefully not too much - perhaps a limit on yourself here would help, maybe once a week or every two weeks?) or extend an invitation because you want her to be involved, but you understand completely if she refuses. And no, you don't have to say I understand completely. Just a simple, "That's ok, maybe next time" in a friendly voice will do.
I want to be "myself" when i am around her...and not walk on eggshells worrying about saying something wrong
How detached are you Neil? Have you let go of the rope, so to speak? Being yourself should be a natural thing. You know that your wife is struggling with issues, and you know that YOU are not the only or real cause.
Do you have compassion for her struggles? Are you loving her unconditionally, that is without expectation of reciprocation?
All of these things allow you to walk through your time with her with confidence and assurance. You KNOW you will be alright. You KNOW that a slip of a word, or a funny look is NOT the crucial element in the future of your relationship. Your mind is set that you are going to be you, because YOU is just what she will eventually realize she wants.
It's all attitude. And if you have to ACT AS IF for awhile until it becomes real, so be it.
I want to continue to find innovative ways to speak her LL I want to continue to give her words of affirmation. I want to continue to work on myself at expressing my emotions. I want to work on having patience
As SG pointed out, these are all personal goals. Journaling and getting your thoughts on paper may help you see ways that you need to improve and ways that you are improving.
If you are seeing a counselor, these are things you can share with him/her as goals and seek help in attaining them.
Attach some specifics to these. What are some words of affirmation you can use with her and when? That kind of thing.
This is a bit of a long term goal......... but I want to spend QT with JUST HER by the end of August.
Ah, the Holy Grail.
I'm glad you are realistic enough to realize that this is a long term goal.
And chances are that as you accomplish the goals above, you will begin to realize that your chances are also improving on accomplishing this one.
Great job.
Now, let's get to work.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
