Yes. Your H is a constant negative reminder of WHY you went to the OM to begin with.
You made the decision to work on your M.
I'm going to give you what I can as a divorcee, whose H went off the deep end with an A. And, I always say... take my words with a grain of salt.
Have you two gone to a C?
It's hard admittedly to redevelop or rebuild your R with so much resentment in the way. You've probably accepted a lot of your H's insecure behavior with as much grace as you can, but there's only so much you can take, right?
So... that being said, I guess you need to DB in reverse.
There's a thread about that somewhere, someone else is in your shoes on these boards. I just remember the title, since I generally hang out in Surviving the Big D and the MLC forums.
But... some suggestions:
If you really want the M to thrive, have you considered reading the Five Love Languages by Chapman? That's a great book... learn what your H's love language(s) are and act according.
Also, what would be a great 180 for you? Maybe your behavior is telling him it's perfectly acceptable for him to continue to grill you and that he can't find ways to become more secure in your M. What you're doing now is fine, but is it working for long-term rewards? What can you do differently?
When my H and I were separated and even before, it was up and down constantly. He was angry, he was confused, he was anxious. He did whatever he could so that I didn't know what was going on, and I responded in kind. I became anxious and fearful. So... how to break a cycle like that? I reacted rather than acted. You need to develop a plan to change your actions in order to affect his positively, I think.
Yup. I was probably rude and it reinforced rude behavior out of my H.
If he was rude and if I either ignored it and let it roll off my back OR if I politely changed the subject... chances were I toned down his reaction.
Maybe you can do more than just toning down your H's reaction... perhaps you can with patience and persistence turn it into a positive reaction?
