Trixi trying to find moorage

[MaxP]

Hey Trixi, sorry to hear about your Dad too. Sounds like your mum did a great job (and you of course).

Sounds like the evening was a little mixed. Good job on the apology to your H, things like that may help. Perhaps you need a device to make you pause for 10 seconds sometimes! Still, the way your H can be, you'd have to be a saint.

I did meet my W! I've just written a brief speil about it in my thread over on WAS. It went fine. Was really odd but was ok.

Catch you later,

Max

[MaxP]

I called H, said that in thinking about it, I was being a butt and would have probably felt the same way. That I had forgotten that he friend couldn't drive and was 'stuck' there; and given how tired he was and how early he had to get up, it was completely understandable and that I was sorry for being a butt.
He said "Ok. No problemo." I said "So I'm forgiven?" and he said "Yup. You're forgiven."

So, at least I did the right thing there.

Hey Trixi,

One of the things that I sometimes pick up on in your threads about the way you interact with your H is illustrated here. It's struck me that it may be worth commenting on. In this instance, it's your comment to your H "So I'm forgiven?". I'm not sure whether it is the way you write things down or what, but to me it comes across as a negative interaction pattern. Why? Well, what you have done in apologising is really great but this last question (of him) feels unecessary to me and if I was your H would feel like pushing.

Obviously, I can't see how this plays out in real life. It may also be very much a guy thing here, but I think it might be helpful to let conversations end without dropping in this last question. I know that you are seeking clarification and reassurance, but you may fare better with your H by not doing it. Just an observation. Perhaps some of the other guys round here might add their perspective. It might be just something that I've picked up on as being something to change but others don't agree with.

Take care,

Max

[Trixi]

Hmmm....
That's a very interesting perpective. And you are correct, I was wanting to make sure everything was clear. Because of how he speaks sometimes (vaguely), I don't want to leave it to chance. I'm afraid that down the road he could say "and then there was the night you did XYZ", I say "but you forgave me" and he says "I never said that I forgave you."

But I do see your point. I was also thinking on the way to the murder mystery about when my H was actually moving towards me and not away. Back then, things were just fun and light. Of course, I could also feel that he was moving towards me, so it was "easier". Now that I feel him moving away, coupled with the time factor, it is hard for me to feel fun, light and flirty. I feel tired, annoyed, sad, impatient and hopeless. I am getting tired of being a "secret". We've been dating since the beginning of the year, he went to Costa Rica with me for 12 days and I am still a secret?? I think that most girls would be ticked off by now.

Anyway- thanks for the observation, and I think I understand what you mean. It sure is interesting to get other people's perspectives.

[AnewAmy]

Trixi,

I really liked your analogy of the rocks in the river. It struck a chord with me.

I'm sorry about your dad. Some of the things we have to go through in life just royally s*ck.

I am not one to blame my actions or choices on my parents. I'm stating this up front. I am an adult, my choices are my own. As I've grown older though, I've noticed along the way, that a lot of the choices I've made have been based on my ties with my parents. Everything from the way way they raised me, their belief system, the emotional crap going on in the home, their interactions with each other. All of these things left a "map" on my brain. I've worked really hard to overcome and break some unhealthy habits that hurt a relationship; habits garnered from watching my parents interact with each other. I don't think you've shared too much. I find it interesting how things from our youth may have unwittingly shaped some of our thoughts today. (If that makes sense)

Amy

[Trixi]

First I have to give credit where it's due--the rocks in the river analogy isn't mine. I think I might have seen it on the Marriage Builders site and it was regarding 'making deposits' in a spouse's love bank. But it is a great visual anytime you are doing something and you feel like your efforts aren't making a difference.

Peeps-thanks for the support re my dad. He was also supposed to pick me up from school on occasion and wouldn't come get me. On the weekend days when he was supposed to pick me up, I would wait on the couch and every time I heard a car, there would be a moment of "Yay! he remembered" and then the disappointment.

I totally agree that once you become an adult, you have the choice on how to deal with your childhood. There's plenty of people out there who had it REALLY BAD that are successful and others who had it pretty good that are losers. Ultimately, you have to take control of your own life.

I think that having an inconsistent dad has made it "easier" for me to put up with my H. If I had had a dad that had acted like I was the most precious thing in the world to him, I doubt that I would tolerate being treated like a second hand toy now. And I can intellectualize this until the cows come home, but it doesn't seem to 'make the leap' from my head to my heart.

For the most part, I feel fine, capable, strong enough, etc. It's mostly hearing people get really upset on my behalf that makes me wonder what I am not "getting" and then I feel weak.

eh. moving on. enough dwelling on that. ick.

Today is a new day

[MaxP]

Trixi,

We are all different. Trust what you feel, you're the only one who needs to be satisfied. We are all able to look into another person's sitch, but we do project our own experience and sitches onto other peoples'. It's all we can do, but it does bring some fascinating insights that can be truely rewarding. 2x4s are also very helpful and of course, support is vital at times.

We are all shaped by our parents and particularly our childhood. My W is an only child and I think that makes her more independent and happy to be on her own. I think it has coloured her judgement (in her case in terms of her views of children) and the value of family and it makes it harder in some ways to share. She said of me that she thinks I don't stand on my own two feet enough, because I'm the youngest of four and have always had that protection from elder sibilings. Growing up it didn't feel like that, but I do really, really value my family.

Max

[NikB]

Wow Trixi, that's tough to deal with! You're doing great.

How are things going?

[MaxP]

Hey Trix? How're you doing?

[Trixi]

Hey guys-
Yesterday was our 11 year anniversary. We went out to dinner and to see Batman.

Earlier in the day, as I was shopping for breakfast food, I stood in front of the cards trying to decide what to do about a card..or not...I even found a card that said "Husband, our story may not have been "happily ever after" ...etc...I love you" It was basically a card to acknowldege an anniversary, even though the people are clearly no longer together. Wow. That REALLY choked me up. I wondered whether I should be picking it up for our 12 year anniversary. That sucked. I sent H a TM asking what the perimeters were for the day, but he didn't get back to me. So I ended up picking a 'silly' card.

He got here late, mentioned my TM and said "Sorry I didn't respond; I was out working in the yard. You were asking if we should do cards?" I said yes, and I went ahead and got one; he said that I was just too nice- but, he did figure I would do that.

He said that he HAD thought about us taking the jeep out today, but he has a lot he needs to do- I said it was okay since I get him all next weekend(no pouting). In trying to find a restuarant, we talked about a particular restuarant and decided against it for that night, but H said "we can take the jeep out and then go to that restuarant after." (future plan)

During dinner we were admiring the decor and I mentioned that I thought the dining room in his/our house still needed some stuff done; he said he agreed and then said "eh-the next owners can go ahead and do that" and then he pointedly stared at me (like he was challenging me to say something) and I just stared back. I said "That seemed a bit like you were playing chicken with me" and he said "not chicken, chess- and your next move is really important. Better make it a good one." I kept staring at him and burst out laughing and he started laughing too. I flipped him crap and said "you couldn't even keep a straight face for that one!" and he laughed and said that he tried. Even though it came off like a joke, I think he was dropping the hint that I am still in the position of trying to 'win him' back.

On the way to the movie, I called him out on something he told me he did last week that was really immature. I did it in a sort of joking way to start, but he easily agreed and said he would need to apologize to his friend. Without getting wordy, it also brought up him thinking I have a shtty side that comes out that is a lot like my mom- sort of a perfectionist thing. He did have to say that I haven't had that come out for a LONG time. He said "it's not your fault-it's how you were raised" and I said "You mean, feeling like I better be perfect so I don't get in trouble from my alcoholic family for no good reason?" and he says "yes, exactly.You don't need to feel that way."

Right as we arrive at the theater, "I Will Possess Your Heart" comes on and I say "Oh! it's our song! ha ha" and he says "that really is our song". So we sang it all the way into the theater. Then he says (since the song is about spending time together) "It's not about the quantity of time we spend together, we spend quality time together." I said "Of course, I totally agree; we're doing great things together...there is a subset to that that I desire." and he said "of course. It'd be weird if you didn't."

I asked him if he has viewed all the pics on the frame I gave him and he said not yet, but that he would..and that probably he would cry. And that when he watched it (partially) when I first gave it to him, he did make him get choked up.

WHY ARE WE NOT TOGETHER???????

Steely Dan Thursday. His roommate and roommate's dad will be going along with us.
It's an outdoor venue and it's looking like it might rain (yuck), so it might not be all that great.

I told H that if he wanted to do Spanish homework on his own, that was cool since we were going to be so busy from Thursday on; he said no, he'd come over Tuesday to study.

Today he hung out til almost 1pm. (unusual)

My only bummer is that I haven't heard ILY for awhile now.

We're going to be together a lot this week--Tuesday eve, Wed eve, Thursday concert; pick up Harley Friday morning and go somewhere til Sunday.

[Sara]

It is nice to hear the words I love you. But actions speak louder than words, and sometimes so do looks. My H never says it, at least not without prompting. But I can see it in his eyes, not all the time, but sometimes. Like tonight. We are visiting my family and for the past 2 days my husband has stayed cooped up in the house with my parents, while I have been hanging out with my sister and her kids. Tonight when i walked into my parents house, I thought maybe my husband would be feeling angry that I had been ignoring him. But the second he saw me he jumped up and gave me a big smile. To me, that said i love you. No words needed.