Hi- I was hoping to get some feedback on a question that is driving me crazy...Has anyone out there had an EA or PA and broke it off (ended because you knew it was wrong and wanted to save your marriage)but still miss the other person and think of them often? It's been about a year since I've actually seen the OM in person. I have blocked his emails from coming through, deleted his screen name from aim, told him to NEVER call me again, etc...But I still think of him...and I feel bad about that. A certain place, song, etc..brings it all back. Now in my HEAD- I know that it was a stupid thing to do and I was a fool. And I KNOW breaking it off was the right thing to do and I realize that we never got past the "lovey dovey" stage and that in real life in a few years had we gotten together we would be fighting just like normal couples...but it still hurts and I still miss him. I think it would be easier if my husband after a year wasn't still continually throwing him in my face...He keeps bringing him up which makes me think about him. My H goes through my cell phone to see who I have called, got the phone bills the other day and checked incoming and outgoing calls, accuses me of still talking to him, gets paranoid and calls a million times when i go ANYWHERE by myself, calls a million times when I go anywhere with my older daughters (he thinks they are covering for me), thinks all my family is covering for me (except my brother of which he spends more time with than me..they drink EVERY day together after work)..and I could go ON an ON...I don't want to have a relationship with the OM but I can't get him out of my head if he is always being thrown in my face...Even if my H and I divorce (which right now I could care less) I wouldn't go to the OM.I have tried to make that very clear but H doesn't believe it. I am sick and tired of H attitude. Everything out of his mouth is accusing or hateful or rude...and I can't take much more. We ordered the seminar tapes and watched the first one last night (he did so resentfully).Making something change is my last hope...and I don't have much faith in it. Not even sure I want to. Anyone gotten past this? The missing the other person part and the spouse's jealousy/paranoia? Thanks! Sandra
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
Hello Sandra, I haven't had a E/A or P/A. I think it would be hard to let go of the fantasy, especially in your reality sucks right now. I hope you get answers to help you from others who have been there on the board. Other than that I would do some serious reading about affairs. Please don't feel bad about your feelings. My H missed Ow and was pretty hurt by the whole damn thing. I hated it all, but still felt bad that he was hurting. He thought I was nuts, of course other times I could have hurt then both myself KIP
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
You hurt your husband big time when you had the affair. It is amazing that you are critical of your husband for still getting angry for being betrayed and somehow not trusting you. Instead of posting about how much you miss the OM you should be asking for advice on how to help your husband get over the horrible pain of your betrayal.
Yes. Your H is a constant negative reminder of WHY you went to the OM to begin with.
You made the decision to work on your M.
I'm going to give you what I can as a divorcee, whose H went off the deep end with an A. And, I always say... take my words with a grain of salt.
Have you two gone to a C?
It's hard admittedly to redevelop or rebuild your R with so much resentment in the way. You've probably accepted a lot of your H's insecure behavior with as much grace as you can, but there's only so much you can take, right?
So... that being said, I guess you need to DB in reverse.
There's a thread about that somewhere, someone else is in your shoes on these boards. I just remember the title, since I generally hang out in Surviving the Big D and the MLC forums.
But... some suggestions:
If you really want the M to thrive, have you considered reading the Five Love Languages by Chapman? That's a great book... learn what your H's love language(s) are and act according.
Also, what would be a great 180 for you? Maybe your behavior is telling him it's perfectly acceptable for him to continue to grill you and that he can't find ways to become more secure in your M. What you're doing now is fine, but is it working for long-term rewards? What can you do differently?
When my H and I were separated and even before, it was up and down constantly. He was angry, he was confused, he was anxious. He did whatever he could so that I didn't know what was going on, and I responded in kind. I became anxious and fearful. So... how to break a cycle like that? I reacted rather than acted. You need to develop a plan to change your actions in order to affect his positively, I think.
Yup. I was probably rude and it reinforced rude behavior out of my H.
If he was rude and if I either ignored it and let it roll off my back OR if I politely changed the subject... chances were I toned down his reaction.
Maybe you can do more than just toning down your H's reaction... perhaps you can with patience and persistence turn it into a positive reaction?
Quote: You hurt your husband big time when you had the affair. It is amazing that you are critical of your husband for still getting angry for being betrayed and somehow not trusting you. Instead of posting about how much you miss the OM you should be asking for advice on how to help your husband get over the horrible pain of your betrayal.
Oh excuse me...i wasn't Quite clear on the DETAILS!!!For 7 years of our 8 years of marriage- he spent 3 to 5 nights in a BAR drinking and coming home at all hours of the morning. I STAYED home and raised our babies...while he was off having a GOOD time. He always said he was TOO strong to fall for anyone and have an affair..that he was just going to the bars to RELAX. He met a woman and they exchanged phone numbers..he ended up going to her house one night and he didn't come home until 4am...He SWEARS that nothing happened and that he left because he knew he was in the wrong place..RIGHT!! It took the OM to TELL ME what I had already suspected...Because of his financial irresponsibility- we put a VERY successful businesss into bankruptcy as well as filing a personal bankruptcy...He REFUSES to get financial help and will NOT listen to any one about money....We separated last year for 6 months and have been back together for 8...we are just about back to square one because of his drinking and financial problems...The REASON the DOOR was open to me having an EA was because he was NEVER home and was always drinking and not handling any problems...for SEVEN years i waited for him and i finally got tired and just gave up. It was STUPID to have the affair- and I know that...I wish to God it had never happened because I thought I was BETTER than that...but am I real worried about breaking his freakin heart???Hell no! I had a choice...but he had a choice too! Am I worried about breaking his heart when he has busted up two doors...torn one off the hinges and thrown it at me...punched holes in the wall.. and thrown a hairspray can at my face (twice-the first time missed) busting open my head...leaving me with a huge scar that I am after a year still going to a cosmetic surgeon to have fixed...My 16 year old daughther had to drive me to the ER room at 5am that morning and waited for me to have stitches put in...Should anyone's daughter or child have to do THAT for their MOM!!! I didn't call the police...I FORGAVE him...I realize that I HURT HIM...and I didn't mention all the stuff about him in my previous post because I didnt want to BASH him...but since i'm being attacked for my actions...I might as well tell it like it is...There are REAONS that people have AFFAIRS...I'm not saying it's RIGHT...it just happens sometimes before you know it...It's ALL i can do right now to NOT call the OM and talk to him because i know i would hear a friendly, cheerful voice...My H may be having a hard time getting over the affair but I am also having a HARD time getting over all the crap he has done to me...and what I just wrote was JUST the tip of the iceberg...I apologize for not being more clear because I assume if I had- your post might not have been so negative...
....hmmmm....is it worth it....right now, I don't think so...who needs this crap???
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
sandra, have you tried alanon? sounds like your h may be an alcoholic.
what about individual counciling? my h had some addiction issues and 2 affairs. his behavior and affairs have caused me intense grief and pain. however, i do not feel i have the right to punish him the rest of his life. i don't ever bring up ow or his affairs. we are in ic and mc. your h's hypervigilance sounds a little like punishment to me. especially if you have made sincere amends and are trustworthy now. his self esteem was probably very damaged by your affair. he really would benefit from ic or at least doing some research on affairs. lisa oh and charcoal has a thread in piecing that you may relate to, check her out
Quote: .but since i'm being attacked for my actions...I might as well tell it like it is...
you aren't being attacked for your actions..there are plenty of people who have had affairs and come here for advice and support and get plenty of it...actually for some freaky reason they tend to get more support and advice than the betrayed partner...
davis' sentiment is right on...he may have been harsh in the delivery but what he is saying is clear and true.
you are not being attacked for your actions...
but your attitude is not going to get you very far at all in your m.
you still feel justified in having an a....you even say so in your post.
what's to say your h doesn't have some justification in his mind for staying at the bars and throwing stuff at you??
you hurt so you had an a...
he hurt in some way so he stayed out and got drunk...
he hurt some more so he threw things...
either way you look at it...having an a, getting drunk, throwing things...sure there are reasons...just as there are reasons that little kids throw temper tantrums...
time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions..claim ownership of yourself.
don't blame your h for your affair...don't use his bad behabior as an excuse for your bad behavior or the two of you will continue to go in a viscious cirle of bad behavior feeling justified by the others actions.
Yeah Smokry,I hear what youre saying..My wife's 2yr EA with OM on phone chat had the same effect on her as yours.She claimed stoping the A for 8 months then resuming later on when her feelings for OM didnt go away.Im devestated by this..She wants a D over someone she hasnt met yet!! Anyway,your story rings true..is D worth that?
