Is there a glimmer of hope for I'mstillhopeful ?

[I'mstillhopeful]

Hi Imp, (Thanks to Gypsy for our nicknames)

Yikes, I'm humbled that you remember my posts from back then. I've been reading yours, didn't realize your H was a narcissist but once you've lived with one you really know their mind set. Is your H physically attractive? Mine is and that is his downfall. I've never put much stock in that sort of thing, always thinking that creativity, intelligence, determination, and devotion wouldn't fade. Of course, my looks have deteriorated a bit since H first met me, yet I maintain a strong and healthy body - alas, no match for a "hot" OW. There is nothing like novelty.

Oh well... I am me. And I have the numerous notes and cards from H which proclaimed his undying love for my uniqueness.

Thanks for your thoughts that he may still care for me. We shall see what transpires...

[girlfromipanema]

Awww, I love to be called Imp? =)

I'm not sure if my husband is a narcissist. Although he has potential... and he's said a few things over the past year that make me think he's heading in that direction. My previous relationship was with a narcissist. Seems I have a pattern for picking that type of man. Maybe the initial physical attraction is too much for me to resist. My husband is very handsome, but I didn't fall in love with his looks - I fell in love with the his sense of humor, intelligence and kindness. I wonder how narcissism develops. People (men and women) fawn all over my husband for his creativity, genius, stylishness (they call him Mr. GQ), quick wit, business sense, athletic skills... you name it. I wonder if we are creating the monster.

Anyway, please don't discount your value (or looks) because your husband is making his current choices. People change. Sadly, it isn't always for the better. The "hot" OW has nothing over you. Anyone that moves in on a married person lacks personal integrity. Pretty (or "hot") on the outside doesn't matter in the end.

[tmi]

ish, I just read your post on another thread (in the meantime) and just wanted to drop in because you sound so much like me - the part that really caught my eye was the 'kind hearted but wouldn't be considered sweet' - made me laugh!

I am one of the most tender-hearted people I know - children and animals love me and I go out of my way to avoid killing things - I move the worms when I'm digging in the garden! My interactions with other adults are a totally different thing, though - I'm much too serious and intense for most people.

You're doing really well. Take care of yourself and continue to value your 'uniqueness'!

[I'mstillhopeful]

Hi again imt,
I'm looking forward to "meeting" you in KLA. We sound so similar, I've done the same as you in conversations with H, in the midst of listening and validating I rush on to another topic which is on my mental list. "DOH"
While you got the TLTL message from your H, I received, "you had plenty of chances you just don't have any more."

ish, I just read your post on another thread (in the meantime) and just wanted to drop in because you sound so much like me - the part that really caught my eye was the 'kind hearted but wouldn't be considered sweet' - made me laugh!- I'm much too serious and intense for most people.

It might have something to do with us being over-functioning as our H's play video-games and pursue their happiness while thinking that someone else will take care of the mundane details of life.

You're doing really well.

Thanks for the affirmation. Having read a lot of your story it looks as if you were excellent at your DB'ing, so, receiving a compliment from you means a lot to me.

[I'mstillhopeful]

I haven't posted on my situation in a while although I do read the boards every day. There isn't much to report. My DB coach feels that H and I are friendly but not in the friendship stage. I have been busy GLA and maintaining the house and property. When I let H know that I was planning to take one of the trips on my own and had cancelled the other he seemed to relax a bit. His e-mails have become a little less business-like.

Last week in an e-mail he mentioned that "transitions were strenuous" and that sometimes he is lonely but that is "the price he must pay for deciding to be on his own". Sometimes he ends an e-mail with some kind of expression of caring such as "Have a wonderful day" or, "Be safe today".

A week ago we received notice for the wedding of his favorite nephew. Obviously, I am not going, however, his youngest sister just e-mailed me and asked for my assistance in making her travel plans to the wedding. She mentioned that it was her understanding that ESIL would be travelling with H and I to the wedding. (I consider the ESIL to be the second OW in this situation. My DB coach has observed that ESIL and H have an emotionally incestuous relationship.) Obviously, H had not yet told his entire family about our change in living situations. Who knows how he RSVP'ed!

The day H was to work at our local Health Center there had been a fatal shooting on the Main Street of our town. To give you an idea of the size of our town, the Main Street has about 16 houses. I text messaged him that morning as soon as I heard the news. It was a domestic dispute and the chances were good that he might have seen one of those involved in therapy.
He seemed to appreciate receiving the information before coming to town. He also mentioned a few days later that he had enjoyed receiving tms from me.

A recent e-mail mentioned that he wanted to have dinner so we could discuss some things, he mentioned one of the huge unfinished projects on the house, and, also, the taxes. He filed an extension in April and hasn't mentioned the looming deadline until now. Of course, I am worried that another loose end which he might be trying to tie up is something related to the dissolution of our marriage or division of assets. Needless to say, I am not anticipating our next meeting with unbridled enthusiasm.

On Wednesday, I will remove the ring which he placed on my finger 25 years ago. I have worn it continuously since then, through so many good times and bad times. My coach has convinced me that this is not the time for sentimentality. When H next sees me he will see that I am no longer stubbornly holding on to the marriage. He doesn't know that I am working to make it possible for us to have a better one at some time in the future.

I just checked my e-mail. Today is Sunday and H is at work at 6:20 a.m. Perhaps he was using the gym, however, he was sorting through his E-mail. He re-read an e-mail I sent on July 7 and
thanked me for the information I had sent. He finished his message by "Hope you are doing well. "

[girlfromipanema]

I'm glad you posted an update. You've been in my thoughts. 25 years on Wednesday? Very sad that you are unable to celebrate as you should.

My anniversary would be four years Wednesday. Mixed emotions about how I feel, since our very brief marriage has been on the rocks for so very long... it is what it is, I suppose. I am grateful that my marriage has been as brief as it has. I don't know how well I would cope if I invested 25+ years.

Keep us updated. I know you'll have a fantastic life whichever direction it happens to go.

xo,
Ms. Imp

[I'mstillhopeful]

Hi Ms. Imp,

I have been thinking of you also, thank you for replying to my post.

I will be praying for you and iamlost on Wednesday. When H and I married on the 13th I remember wondering if it would be bad luck for the longevity of our marriage. (I remember reading that some cultures consider the number 13 to be lucky.) Over the years people have asked H if he is of Asian descent. A schizophrenic patient once used the moniker "Chinese" rather than using my H's given name. His mother was actually Mexican, his father from Kansas.

Originally I had planned to hike in the mountains on Wednesday, but now, I must go to assist my elderly parents in Connecticut. H will be attending a professional convention, and, I have reason to believe he is taking the OW. (In an e-mail to her he said he couldn't wait to take her travelling, in a car, a plane, or a ship.)

Today I was using old newspapers for mulch and came across a wedding supplement from a newspaper from her town. The date on it was February of this year. Who knows why she gave it to him, who knows why he kept it, who knows why he left it in our recycling bin?

I've been so sorry to hear of the recent developments in your situation. It is so ironic that your H began to become more attentive after you made your declaration. I have a friend who told her H she wanted a divorce to try to create a change in their R and he accepted what was a bluff on her part and she divorced without really wanting it. I know that your decision was very different from that type of manipulation.


Today, after reading my H's e-mail I began to ponder...should my H wish to try again...how could I possibly trust him to not take the same road in the future? I'd be that much older and, maybe there is someone out there who is looking for the person who I am becoming.

[girlfromipanema]

maybe there is someone out there who is looking for the person who I am becoming.

Whoever that may be is a lucky son of a gun. =)

This experience we're having is turning us into even more spectacular creatures. It's not what we would have chosen, but we can choose to learn, grow and embrace the experience for what it will give us.

I hope your day is peaceful tomorrow. I've been having lots of mixed emotions today. Thinking about the excitement I felt at this time four years ago... Oddly enough, I thought my husband was a fool to marry me (because I was a bit of a mess) and today I think he's a fool to let me go (because of who I've become).

Know you're in my thoughts. xo

[I'mstillhopeful]

Dear, dear Ms. Imp,
On this difficult day before I start the 6 1/2 hour long drive to see my parents I thought I'd check the boards. Your message was so heart warming. Thank you for taking the time to remember me. I'll be thinking of you and iamlost since we all share the same anniversary. (I tried to find her thread yesterday but was unsuccessful.)

Your words of affirmation mean a great deal. I wish you peace also and to look ahead and not at the past.

hugs

[I'mstillhopeful]

There was an e-mail from H yesterday morning. He mentioned that he had been worrying about the huge unfinished house project which he had left behind. He also wanted to come over to work on our taxes.

Most amazingly though was his plan to make the long drive to my parent's house the next time I am visiting them. He mentioned that he wanted to finish up some electrical work which he had started last September.

We're getting into tricky territory here. My parents don't know that we are no longer living together. (If they find out they are likely to undo my DB efforts by putting a huge guilt trip on him along with an unhealthy dose of blame.) It should be interesting to see how this works out.