honey, it's not about DBing anymore - it's about keeping yourself sane for the next little while.
My H said something similar to me - in front of my brother - that I had pressured him into marriage and kids and he never wanted any of it. Probably a bit of truth to this, in that I was ready for those things and he wasn't. A little patience then would have gone a long way, but what did I know, I was young and in love.
There was an episode even before we were married but living together, that he said he was feeling 'trapped'. I handled it the totally wrong way (anger, withdrawal, stomping around) and I think at that point my H decided (at least subconsciously) that sharing his feelings with me wasn't safe. Our 'communication' has largely been about me - my anger, my hurt, what he's done wrong. Oh, another ah ha moment - just recalling some conversations we've had in the past few years. I'll have to think about this some more - apparently it's another opportunity for growth...
Anyway, sorry for wandering off into my own life. I remember how devasted I was hearing those words. I'm glad that you had some space and time to cry about this.
Many, many people who have been through this say that their S rewrites history. Of course it makes you question everything - while you were going around like your life was on solid footing, it was actually all a lie?
Try not to let your H's experience (whatever it was) negate yours. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to express what I mean - you still lived those years and gained what you did, not the least of which is your two lovely girls. There were many moments of joy for you - they are still yours and one day you will be able to look at your memories without wondering what was going on for your H at the point - it will be enough to know what was going on for you.
Your H is dead. He can't see anything from your side and doesn't really care how you're feeling at this point, other than it increases the unpleasant feelings he's running from. It's awful, it's not fair, I wish I could wave my magic wand - but no one can. This is one of those horrible things you just have to live through.
I think you've said that you're on ADs already, but maybe you could talk to your doctor about adjustments/changes, if you're finding yourself completely overwhelmed? I go to a walk-in clinic and have noticed a real difference between the doctors in terms of their knowledge about ADs. Sometimes a second opinion is a good idea.
Use the time when your girls are not with you to do things that make you feel calmer. Take care of yourself. Are you a gardener? I was thinking the other day that I don't know what I'll do over the winter - being outside and connecting with living, growing things makes me feel so much better!
