The other day while having lunch with SIL, she asked me if I would still take H (her brother) back. Without any hesitation, I told her yes. She asked how I could ever trust him again and wouldn't I always be wondering what he was doing every time he whispered on the phone or was out later than he should be. I said that if he would come back, it would mean that he has changed and further explained my reasons. I really believed it.
I spoke to a friend who H is also friends with and has been speaking to lately. Her honest opinion was that H is too much of a coward and will never have the balls to make things right between us, even if he wanted to. She also said that if this is what I wanted, then I will be the one who has to do all the work. I agreed with her, but also told her that I have no problem with that, seeing as how I would get what I wanted in the long run. I told her I still had faith in H that he would pull himself out of this - that I really believed he would prove himself to be better than all his friends here.
The following night, I had dinner with 2 old guy friends from high school who I haven't seen in over 15 years. One is M and the other has a serious gf of 4 years (neither of the SO's were there, just the 3 of us). They were friends of mine, but did not know H in school. I had such a great time catching up with them and really admire and respect both of them. Great guys who are dedicated to their careers, admire and respect their SO's and are both very close to their families. After spending the evening with them, I found myself really happy - even smiling long after I got home. I couldn't help thinking that I wish the one who had a gf was single, because THAT is the kind of guy I want to be with.
The next day, was S3's birthday party. H was there. He seemed so immature to me. I also found him very unattractive - wearing a shirt that was too tight over a tummy that seemed to double in size since I saw him last weekend. Even the way he was walking bothered me. He made a derogatory statement that was an attempt at being funny, which made him look even more unattractive.
Without me ever having to ask him, he joined in and helped whenever it was time for the kids to gather. I was surprised by that, but also really annoyed that he suddenly wanted to look like superdad in front of his friends when he normally does nothing for S3. When S6 got injured, he only wanted me, but H kept asking what was wrong and making S6 cry even more - just the sound of his voice was so agitating that all I could do was ignore him. Everything about today felt so...awkward. For the first time too. I usually have no problems interacting with H and am so eager to do my best DBing in his presence.
I felt as if H was out of place in our family today - like we've been living on our own for so long without him and really didn't need OR want him there today. While we were cutting the cake, SIL suggested the 4 of us (H, kids and I) take a picture together, but it felt so fake that I said "no, it's ok". H must've felt uncomfortable too, because he immediately turned around and walked away.
I don't know what has brought all these intense feelings on - seeing that not all guys are like H and realizing there are still a lot of good guys out there, being a week away from the 2 year mark, or simply PMS.
Whatever it is, I'm really troubled by this feeling. It's scary and relieving, at the same time.
It's as if by me changing my view of H, I can kill all hope of our M ever being restored. H has no interest in working things out, so if I choose to no longer stand, the M is truly over. That's really what I feel right now. Will update again soon to let you know if my feelings change.
